Be a Doll(81)

The welling tears in her eyes that she chased away by blinking quickly several times and sipping her water didn’t help my nerves or the weight settling over my chest, pressing down until taking a single breath became painful. The small wrinkles on her face deepened right before my eyes as she breathed in deeply.

“It means a lot, mon gar?on. Thank you.’’

“I didn’t say the words yet, Mom.’’

“You don’t have to. I know…’’ she trailed off then and patted my hand closed into a fist, just once. It wasn’t long enough to make me uncomfortable, but it was long enough to give me a reminder of what it was like to have someone loving you without conditions, even when you didn’t deserve it. “I know it’s not easy for you, Mathis.’’

“It’s not because it’s not easy that I shouldn’t make the effort. You deserve an apology.’’ I frowned down at my plate, probably mostly cold now. “Lila made me realize that I hurt you. Constantly. It wasn’t my intention to, so I’m sorry. I…’’ I cursed myself under my breath for lacking words when I needed them, for not knowing how to apologize for everything when I didn’t know who I was anymore and what I did or didn’t do for all these years. I didn’t know how to forget myself and put myself in someone else’s shoes when it had nothing to do with Max or me.

“I know you are,’’ she said, helping me even now with her soft smile that nearly made me want to avoid her sweet look when pinpricks started in my eyes, telling me that I could very well end up bawling like a small boy now.

Lila had opened up a well of emotions I had locked up for almost two decades. It was bound to get ugly and ruin me.

“I don’t know how to be… how to be a son anymore.’’

Her thin lips painted in a nude lipstick started to tremble as she put a hand on top of mine and squeezed. “It’s all right, mon chéri, I’m your mother. A mother always guides her child, and I hope you’ll let me. I worry about you.’’

For most people it’s very simple to open your hand and hold someone else’s hand, but to me doing just that was impossibly hard. I did it anyway and took hold of my mother’s smaller hand. Immediately, her warmth invaded me, but it also awakened the guilt I felt for enjoying that simple mother/son moment when her other son died. I felt guilty for allowing me that moment, but the smile, happy and relieved, she gave me made me stay put. I let everything flow through me and I kept my eyes on hers. I let her see what’s going through me and I watched as a few tears finally escaped her neatly made up eyes, ruining her makeup in parts where the salty drops fell down until they got lost on the dark sleeves of her elegant blazer.

“Lila is good for you. I hope you know that.’’

I smirked then and pulled back, putting an end to whatever this was. I couldn’t talk about my wife when I was emotionally weakened, not after what happened last night. In fact, upon thinking about it, I couldn’t speak about Lila without forcing distance with other people around me since she entered my life. She had immediately touched a part of me I had ignored for a long time and it was difficult to deal with that.

“Lila is—‘’

“Don’t say she’s temporary, Mathis,’’ she stopped me and discreetly dabbed under her eyes with her napkin before straightening once again in her chair and finishing her glass of water. “I see the way you look at her when you’re around her. You’re different with her even if you’re trying to hide it.’’

“Mom,’’ I sighed and ran a hand along my shaved jaw, feeling the beginning of stubble rasping under the pulp of my fingers. “What you saw was probably something a lot less romantic than what is running through your mind. Lila is a beautiful woman, don’t read anything more into it.’’ My stomach twisted into knots at my own words as if my damn body rebelled against what I said. I’d have a good laugh if I weren’t so confused. As if I could want anything other than fucking my wife, as if I felt something other than fascination for her, a fascination that stemmed from my own fucked up way of living my life, not from the start of new mushy feelings.

“If you think I can’t make the difference when you look at a woman with desire and another one who truly holds something more, I think you’re mistaken.’’ I frowned at my mother, but she didn’t stop there. “You keep me at arm’s length so I must be all the more attentive to every sign when I’m around you if I don’t want to feel completely out of your life.’’

Other than being quite disgusted at the thought of my mother being privy to some of my depraved thoughts when staring at a woman, being aware of how much she knew me, a lot better than I would have thought considering my behavior toward her, made me eager to pull back and leave, but I just apologized. I had to stay put. I had to be a man, not a damn boy plagued by grief and guilt rendering me emotionally paralyzed.

“She confuses me, but she and I, we both know what it’s all about. Feelings aren’t a part of this marriage.’’

“Are you trying to convince yourself?’’

“You’re delusional if you think an arranged marriage based on money and business and some other fucked up things could ever change into something genuine.’’ I looked away then when I knew my stare turned to ice and my frown deepened. I didn’t want her to think the anger surging inside me had anything to do with her. The anger I experienced had everything to do with me and how lost I was when I was around Lila. “Lila wants to fulfill her duty and then go away. Bank a few well-earned millions and live her life. That’s all there is to all of this.’’