Be a Doll(75)

But I couldn’t keep my eyes closed, not when all I could think of was the way he took me, working me up to a frenzy. My skin was still sensitive and when I ran my hands over my hips to clean myself I felt the invisible bruises left by Mathis’ fingers when he thrust into me from behind. I opened my eyes and turned off the water. I stood there in the shower, facing the stark white tiled wall.

Back when I still believed in love and that sex always brought people closer together, I had been vastly disappointed by men who used me, played with my feelings to discard me once they were done playing with my body. My heart had been bruised, my trust shattered and after a few failures it made me realize that being na?ve wouldn’t protect me. On the contrary, not once did I ever feel quite like I felt at that very moment.

I was drifting.

I knew, I had known as soon as I folded and decided to have sex with him that I couldn’t go back, that I wouldn’t go back. Mathis intoxicated me, making me an addict to the sensations he awakened in me, he coaxed out of me. That wouldn’t be so bad if only he wasn’t able to hurt me. That biting comment in the kitchen earlier tonight truly hurt me and it wouldn’t have if somehow he hadn’t found a way to reach the tender part in me I had thought were solidly protected behind shields. I should have been merely angry, not hurt.

And that moment when he kissed the small of my back on the stairs…

I shook my head and left the shower, quickly drying my body to put on blue silk pants and a white fitted cotton shirt for bed. One quick glance in the misty mirror and I saw my eyes, wide as if I had witnessed something dreadful. In a sense, it was true. I came face to face with the realization that I was weaker than I thought, that I was letting Mathis get to me beyond the physical and it started when I saw him breaking down Sunday. It wasn’t love and couldn’t picture myself falling in love with him, but I was afraid that attachment could happen. Attachment was in the realm of possibility, something that shouldn’t be.

My lips were still swollen and dark pink from Mathis’ kisses and one side of my neck was redder, probably from his stubble and his bites. I put a hand there on my tender skin. As soon as my fingertips came into contact with my flesh I shivered and dropped my hand.

“Damn it,’’ I muttered and left the bathroom with only the memory of his soft kiss on the small of my back in mind. That was completely contradictory to who Mathis was and the situation we were in. I couldn’t think of going to bed now, pushing this aside as if it didn’t happen.

I went back downstairs, my hand gliding along the wall and I stopped a moment where we had had sex. My eyes fell to the steps where I had knelt and braced myself and then my eyes went to the wall where he first entered me. Without a condom.

I swallowed and thanked my lucky stars for birth control and the test results we both had to undertake for the wedding ceremony. At least, that wasn’t something I had to worry about for now.

I took another deep breath, settling my heartbeats and then stalked to Mathis’ office. The door was closed, as expected, and I heard no sounds coming from inside. After finding him in there on Sunday, I knew it was his place to hide, to protect himself and hole up. The way he had stared at the picture of him and his twin brother told me this office was his safe place, the only space that was truly his now that I moved in.

I placed a hand against the door and stared at the panel, unsure if I should knock or not. Maybe we both needed some time to cool off. We butted heads so much that I didn’t know if talking now and addressing issues was smart or not, but I usually preferred to get the uneasy things out of the way as soon as possible instead of dwelling and letting it fester until it exploded into nasty vitriol.

Then, I heard something. It sounded like Mathis was leaning against the door on the floor and moved around, shifting against the closed door. My eyes fell to the floor and I knocked, the sound loud to my ears as I focused all of my attention to perceive every sound from inside. He didn’t answer, didn’t move either.

“I know you’re in here,’’ I said, my voice subdued. It was one thing to face a distant Mathis or an angry Mathis, but it was something else to have a mute husband hidden away in his study.

“What do you want?’’ he asked, voice low coming from closer to the floor. It told me he was sitting on the floor and leaning against the door.

“Let me in. It feels like I’m talking to a wall.’’

“You’re the one asking to talk,’’ he said. He sounded distracted, as if he was lost in thought. The time it took him to say something only made it clear that he wasn’t interested in talking if the closed door hadn’t already made it clear.

I leaned forward and put my forehead against the door, closing my eyes and listening closely to the sounds coming from inside the office. They were very few and discreet, but I still heard it when he sighed, when he moved his head against the door, probably changing position.

“You weren’t wrong,’’ I said quietly, my voice so feeble I cringed. I didn’t sound like myself, but in a way I hadn’t sounded as much as like myself in years. I temporarily stripped myself of pretenses and my bravado to let out the frightened girl who had spent years of her life finding ways to survive in seemingly one piece.

“About what?’’

My right hand trailed up against the smooth door and stopped next to my face. “I’m scared to death to end up in the streets with no food, no clothes, no nothing.’’ I swallowed through the boulder in my throat making my voice duller. “I’m pathetic and I have no courage.’’