Be a Doll(71)

Why did I go to that length for that woman?

Why was I so affected by her sudden distance?

Why? Why? Why?

All the whys in the world wouldn’t make me understand this marriage and that woman who held my gaze steadily, not once blinking away when my glare turned wilder.

“No bitch fest? No cursing thrown at my face? No nothing?’’ I prodded, my fingers tight around her arm as I got closer to her, so close that the cold from the outside clinging onto her clothes reached me. It only made her perfume sweeter to my nostrils, calling out to me thoughts of the things I wanted to do to her. And with her button nose all red and her lips all pink like her cheeks, it was hard to resist. If I crouched I would be able to kiss her, to fuck her mouth with my tongue and remind her of what she could have if she let herself go and be Lila, not this doll I didn’t recognize. Of course, she wouldn’t be swayed like that, not after what I had said in the kitchen earlier. I had shot myself in the foot with that one. For a man who wanted deeply to fuck his wife again, it was rather dumb to blame her for not wanting to fuck me. I should have praised her instead because when no other woman blipped on my radar but her, I had to make sure we were on good terms. That was so fucked up.

“What’s the point?’’ She tilted her head up and made sure to keep her eyes in mine. “Are you in my face because you want to have sex? Is that what this is about?’’

My frown deepened and my grip on her released until I let her arm go and it fell limply along her body.

“Mathis,’’ she went on, her voice still toneless and this time around my name on her mouth did nothing to me. “I’m bound to you. You said so yourself. It’s going to happen again so…’’ She gestured at the stairs as if saying we should go upstairs and have sex like someone would say let’s go brush our teeth.

“I had you begging for me once, Lila. You will again,’’ I growled lowly, my voice as stormy as I felt. My nose was close to hers, my lips brushed hers surreptitiously and I watched mesmerized and pissed off how her pupils dilated, the black eating more and more of the blue in her eyes.

“Maybe. Probably,’’ she replied and shrugged. “Sex is sex. You’re well versed in that department and we both know sex can be disconnected. I could beg you to do all the dirtiest things we had both ever thought of and still want nothing to do with you outside of bed. I guess that’s exactly what you want, so what, do you want more?’’

“Is that what you want?’’ I asked, breathless and oddly bereft. I didn’t understand her and I didn’t know how to react in return.

“I don’t want anything about this damn life,’’ she retorted, her voice harsher, her eyes narrowed.

“That’s right.’’ I glared back at her, my breathing shallower, my blood buzzing in my temples as my hands clenched into tight fists to prevent myself from grabbing her thin shoulders and shaking her.

“What is that supposed to mean?’’ Her shoulders stiffened and the distance she showed disappeared and I saw the same Lila I met that day at Carter Manor, the same Lila who had been going head to head with me since we married, the same Lila whose fire burning inside her drew me.

My cock hardened in my pants, my whole body coiled as if ready to grab her and fuck her with all the tension I felt, with all the anger and countless emotions she forced on me without knowing. Not long ago she said I was crazy, and she couldn’t have been more right. At that very moment, feeling my control slipping away I had never felt so crazy.

“You hate this life where you have food bursting in the fridge, an unlimited amount of money to spend on anything you damn well please and a man who can fuck you long and good.’’

“Because money and sex is all that’s important to you, right?’’ She poked my chest once and then pushed me away with more strength than I expected, forcing me to take a step back. But when her hands were flat on my chest she couldn’t hide the tremors in them and I couldn’t place if it came from anger or another emotion equally intense. “You’re an empty man who would rather use the past as an excuse to be an asshole and a shit brother and son!’’

“Don’t fucking go there, Lila,’’ I warned between gritted teeth, getting back in her face. “Just don’t.’’

“Or what?’’ She snorted without any humor or the delicate behavior she hid behind. “You hate it when someone tells you how it is. You only know how to control people, direct them, toy with them and manipulate them. You have not a damn clue as to how to be a real man. You’re the same kid who lost his brother two decades ago!’’

Her voice, her words rang in my ears. I was shaking, anger filling me like never before. I grabbed her chin between my fingers so tight I was sure it must hurt, but I didn’t care. It barely registered in my head.

“Do you believe you’re that much better?’’ I asked, my voice so cold I saw goosebumps breaking out on her pale skin, I felt the shiver going through her and the grimace on her face told me it didn’t come from a nice place. “Lila, do you really think I didn’t look up your background before I said ‘I do’? I know you were on the streets in this city. I know you had nothing and you were desperate enough to sell yourself to Carter Manor to get money, food, clothes. You’re here, wearing my last name, sharing my bed, fucking me, eating my food because you’re so damn scared to go back to the streets. You’re a scared little girl who would do anything, even fuck the very man she despises, to stay away from the streets. Who’s more pathetic here? You or me?’’