Be a Doll(107)
“Why are you telling me this now?’’ I croaked, my eyes still glued to the park down below.
“Your mother hasn’t been talking to me since that dinner after your wedding.’’ He sighed deeply. “She only talked to me today to tell me about her worries for you. I wasn’t sure her fretting was warranted until I walked in here.’’
“No need to be worried.’’ I pushed away from the window and went back to the couch, letting myself drop on it, sprawling on the sectional without much care of what I looked like. My fogged up mind was too taken by all that my father said, giving me a new perspective to work with. I didn’t know how it made me feel as I had been already so damn lost before he came here with his pristine suit and concern for me.
“When are you going to live your life, Mathis?’’
I glared at him over my shoulder, watching like a hawk as he made his way back to the armchair. He wasn’t intimidated in the least and sent me an equally dark look my way. Somehow, it made me feel safer to getting back on hostile grounds because that was something I knew by heart.
“Don’t start on me. Not now.’’
He put his forearms on his thighs and leaned forward, his eyes on me, prodding without care. “Since you were thirteen you’ve been trying to emulate Max and now that you could have something for yourself, love and happiness you deny yourself. When are you going to live your life?’’ He pushed on and the silence that fell after his repeated question left too much room for me to think, to wonder, to question myself and hyperventilate.
I forced air down my lungs with deep, even breaths, fighting off the panic rising right under my father’s nose when I had spent years hiding them, working around them so as not to show any weakness. Lila had derailed everything. No, that wasn’t fair.
I let her derail me because a big part of me begged to be set free, to stop that damn charade swallowing more and more of my damn core.
“You should go,’’ I said, voice hoarse as my breathing slowly got back under control, but the dark, haunted look on my father’s face, deepening his wrinkles so much and stealing his colors told me that he didn’t miss a thing.
He was seeing how fucked up his thirty-two-year-old son was when he’d been blind to it for two decades.
“I was against your wife because I thought she was a tool for you and nothing else, because I also thought she was nothing more than a gold digger who sold her body to get prestige and a fat bank account, but I wonder now if I didn’t let my issues blindside me like everything else in my life. You’ve never listened to me, Mathis, but for once I hope you will. You can live without her in your life, but you owe it to yourself to let her decide what she wants. Down the road, you need to make sure letting her go without telling her how you feel won’t bring you any regrets.’’
“I… can’t,’’ I whispered, my voice so damn broken it shook and quivered. My fingers dug in the leather of the couch. “It’s too damn much.’’
“It’s never too much,’’ my father quietly said. “Connecting with someone is never too much. That connection won’t be lost like what you had with Max.’’
“How do you…’’ I trailed off, my voice so damn small that at any other time I would have cringed, but right now it only made me wish a time when my worries were nothing more than being denied a second cookie and getting up to steal one more for me and Max.
“I know you, Mathis. You’re my son and nothing will change that. I know who you are in there.’’ He patted over his chest, right where his heart beat. “Go find your wife and talk to her. We both know that if that wasn’t what you wanted you would already have sent her preliminary papers to sign. Your mother told me you didn’t.’’
“It’s useless.’’ I rubbed at my eyes, feeling color rising in my cheeks when the moisture there dampened my fingers. “Shit, I’m so pathetic. I’m a mess over a woman.’’
“Not just a woman. She’s your wife. Believe me, I wouldn’t be functioning without your mother. I need to repair what I’ve been breaking all these years.’’
“Mom loves you.’’
He nodded with a small smile more sad than anything else. “I know, but she’s been the only one doing all the work. Don’t make the same mistake, Mathis. Show your wife that you’re willing to go to great lengths to keep her in your life. Show her your heart.’’
“She doesn’t feel the same.’’ I shook my head. “Lila is one of a kind. You don’t know her, but she’s incredible. She should have the kind of life she’s always dreamed of.’’
“Then give her that life yourself. Court her as if you just met her. You’re known in business to have the kind of determination nobody can break and that you achieve everything you set your mind on. It’s time to use that for something you truly want, someone you love. You do love her, don’t you?’’
I stared at my father in the eyes, letting him see the agony inside of me. “I do. She brought me back to life.’’
“Then go. Sober up and find her.’’
***
LILA
I stared one last time at the building of the Museum of Fine Arts and turned around to walk away, no more cheered up than before. Even the best pieces of art hadn’t been able to get me out of the sadness permeating my very skin, choking me until I saw nothing but gray and darkness, shadows, memories of the possibilities that would never become true.