Be a Doll(102)

LILA


It’s been a week since I had last seen Mathis and it wasn’t getting any easier. The pain of being discarded like that was still throbbing inside of me, making everything around me so bland and washed out that I couldn’t enjoy the freedom I had for the first time in years.

After spending one night at the Hilton in the suite booked by my soon to be ex-husband, I packed and left for the airport where I boarded the first plane available. I ended up in Boston where I found a room in a cozy little inn, away from the bustle of the city, but still close enough to the city life. I didn’t want to disconnect myself from everything. I was too scared of what kind of pain too much quiet and peace would bring inside me.

I breathed in deeply, letting the cold air go through my lungs while I warmed up my frozen fingers around my to-go cup of steaming coffee. I watched people walking, talking, laughing. From where I was standing on the sidewalk between an old bookstore and a quirky clothing shop, I people watched, trying to feel something other than the deep pain from Mathis’ rejection. It didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, but I still tried, hoping that somebody else’s happiness or good mood walking by could make me feel the same, even a fraction of what someone else felt.

I snorted at myself and took a sip of coffee. I didn’t taste anything. Nothing had any flavor. Who would have thought that some clichés regarding heartbreak were true? I didn’t think it could get this bad and yet it made me realize how far gone I was with Mathis. He bewitched me with his complexity and the intensity he hid behind a distant exterior. Love snuck up on me in a matter of days as if it had been aware of my need for a deeper connection with a human being, of my secret desire for love and happiness.

I was pathetic and weak.

In a cringe, I threw away my cup of coffee and started walking to the nearest park. I had no idea of what I was doing or where I was going. I expected a call at any moment from Mathis’ lawyer regarding the divorce now that he probably signed the papers for Mr. Tober’s company. I kept my phone in my coat pocket with my hand wrapped around it, both urging it to ring and willing it to stay silent. I both wanted to put an end to this nightmare, but at the same time I dreaded the end of my only link to Mathis through this arranged marriage. I wouldn’t win anyway, something I was sure I’d get chastised if I said aloud considering the amount of money I would receive soon. But nobody could give me a new heart, one that wasn’t broken. Nobody could purchase my feelings for Mathis so I could get rid of them.

And with this divorce I would lose Megan and Sylvie, two women who opened their arms for me without a second thought. Actually, I had already lost them. They were gone from my life as soon as Mathis told me that he was going to meet his lawyer to file for a divorce.

I let my eyes drop to the ground and hunched over, half hiding in my scarf wrapped around my neck. Pretenses were over. I had no reason to stay upright with my shoulders back and my chin up. I had no reason to look put together.

I was alone.

Again.

And this time around, I didn’t have my heart. The damn thing broke because I had been too stupid to take care of it as I should have.

When I met Mathis Grimes I had known immediately he would be a problem, but what I should have been aware of was that he would become a problem because I let him.

I had been falling in love with my husband, hoping for things that could never happen to me in a lifetime.

I had let myself dream and dreams were dangerous. Now, I remembered.

***





MATHIS


My desk was a mess of files thrown everywhere, two empty mugs on either side of the keyboard and a few papers balled on my desk because apparently I couldn’t muster up the courage to throw them in the trash nearby.

My desk usually so pristine and orderly, reflected to perfection the mess inside my head. I was a damn mess, so fucked up that I hadn’t been able to hide it from anybody around the office. My suits often had creases, betraying the fact that I woke up earlier than usual and then sat in my suit at home without a care of how I’d look hours later at work. My face was never perfectly shaved and in fact if I took the time to truly look at myself in the mirror I’d see I looked a mess with my growing beard that needed tending. I didn’t care.

It’s been two weeks. Actually, tomorrow it’ll be exactly two weeks since I had last seen Lila. It hurt like hell, the pain seemingly to grow instead of abating as more hours, more days, more weeks passed. The finality of it was so heavy that I couldn’t sit properly or keep my head up. I constantly slouched and my eyes never looked up because I didn’t want to give anybody an opportunity to ask me what was wrong. Oh, of course I knew rumors were already going off around here, but I wouldn’t be able to announce the breakup yet. Not yet.

My cell phone buzzed on top of a pile of files next to the computer screen. I glanced quickly at it, already planning on letting it go to voicemail, but then I saw Lucas’ name flashing on the screen.

Frowning, I grabbed the phone and answered with a clipped voice. “What is it?’’

“Hm… Sir, your wife’s bodyguard reported back.’’

My heart sped up, the only moment it reminded me that even broken it was able to hammer in my chest whenever Lila was mentioned, only furthering the pain in my chest, poisoning more of my system with regrets and a love so damn strong it sliced through me.