Be a Doll(99)

I fell in love with my wife in a matter of days. I was still falling, knowing without a doubt that if I let it happen and if we gave it time it could become the kind of love that would last a lifetime. If only my feelings could be reciprocated.

I knew Lila liked me, but it wasn’t love and I had my doubts if what she liked about me had more to do about the amazing sex than me. How could she fall for the man who toyed with her mercilessly in the first few days of knowing her, a man she was basically forced to marry?

“I love her and I want to give her what she wants.’’ I looked down at my coffee mug again, frowning. Prickles in my eyes made it too hard to keep on fixing my mother. I had no idea how long I could last without humiliating myself with these crazy feelings threatening to pour out of me. Last night in the car, I said that I didn’t know what it’s like to get my heart broken. I knew now from my own doing and it hurt. “She wants a quiet life where she can start over. She deserves that, so I’m going to give it to her.’’

“You can give it to her, Mathis. You don’t have to divorce her for that.’’

“Don’t you think she deserves a life where she can pick her own man to love, Mom?’’ My frown deepened and I looked away, grimacing at the way my damn voice shook. Give me a meeting room with business sharks and I wouldn’t shake one bit, but when I put my heart on the table and laid it out there without protection and I was a mess. “She went through enough in her life. She deserves the kind of happiness she wants and it’s not something she can have by staying married to me.’’

“Mathis—‘’

“No,’’ I stopped her and stared at her, my eyes firm on her, but the agony I felt was apparent because soon enough she was dabbing her eyes with a paper napkin. “I love her, but I don’t want her to stay in my life because I selfishly want her to. It’s because I love her that I want her to be happy.’’ I laughed without humor. The sound like a knife was tearing open my chest. “Who would want the person they love married to them when your spouse doesn’t have the same feelings? I’d rather give her what she truly wants so she remembers me like this rather than making her miserable and she grew to dislike me or even resent me with every fiber of her being.’’

“You’re making a mistake. Lila cares about you.’’ She balled the napkin where a few black stains from her makeup contrasted against the white of the paper.

“It doesn’t make it love.’’ I put my elbows on the table and covered my face with my hands. My fingers clawed at my skull through my hair. “I want her happy and I would be able to only give her the illusion of it, but she should experience everything she ever dreamed of,’’ I mumbled in my hands, each of my words cut through me. I didn’t think loving a woman could be this painful, so much so that it eclipsed the pain of the grief for my twin brother I still held onto.

“You deserve to be happy too. You look happy with her,’’ my mother said, her voice quivering.

I didn’t want to pull away from the cover my hands offered because I didn’t think I could see the tears in her eyes without breaking down and succumbing to the excruciating pain throbbing inside me. Crying like a fucking baby in public would be the last straw.

“She made me feel alive with emotions I had drowned for a long time.’’

“Maybe you could divorce, but date her for a while. You two could start over like a normal couple.’’

I shook my head and dropped my hands on the table after sitting straighter once I was sure I wouldn’t lamely break down. I took a deep breath and coaxed my control to contain all the feelings, all the pain inside of me for a little while longer.

“I called you because I needed to tell someone and because I’d like it if you could stay in touch with her. She has nobody and… I don’t want her to feel abandoned. You can’t change my mind, maman.’’

“You’re making a huge mistake, Mathis.’’

I closed my eyelids tight then and wished that Lila’s fire hadn’t been able to thaw the ice surrounding my heart, but it was too late now. She breathed life through my veins, filled me with warmth and knocked some sense into me so the least I could do was to give what her heart desired.

Even if it broke my stupid heart.

Even if she took with her my newfound light.

Even if losing her would break me all over again.

***





LILA


I closed the door behind me and dropped the keys in the wide pot colliding with Mathis’ keys. I quickly took off my coat and scarf and put everything away before I walked in the direction of my husband’s office. If there were one room where he would be, it would be there.

A small smile tugged at my lips, the kind of smile you couldn’t fully cover, the kind of smile that betrayed how you felt on the inside. I was bursting with something like happiness and possibilities.

Mathis had shown me the kind of man I had a glimpse of last Sunday after dinner with his family and now I was sure that my future wouldn’t be as dreadful as I had first assumed. Actually, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so weightless and I didn’t believe one second it was only the amazing orgasms he bestowed me. It was more than that.

I knocked on the closed door and waited for him to let me in, my breath slightly faster than before and my little heart doing gymnastics in my chest. I wanted to see my husband and spend some time with him, to check if what I felt wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.