Be a Doll(103)

“Anything amiss?’’

“No.’’

I knew Lucas too well not to recognize the hesitation in that simple word. My fingers tightened around my phone. “Tell me.’’

“He said it appears she’s depressed. She doesn’t do anything other than walk around, get some coffee and then hole herself up in her room at the inn.’’

“She’s probably thinking of what to do with her life now that she has a choice,’’ I mumbled, voice thicker as the damn pain choked me. I pulled the phone away as I took several deep breaths, willing my fa?ade to stay up a little bit longer.

“He saw her throwing her phone in a trashcan in the park when it rang.’’ He cleared his throat then, obviously uncomfortable to be reporting to me of what my wife was up to, but I was too hung up on the fact that she threw away the only means I had of contacting her since she left her laptop home. “He retrieved the phone and saw that it was your mother’s call. Do you want him to deliver the phone back to her or would you rather he send it back to you, sir?’’

“I don’t care,’’ I said, my mind already miles away from this conversation as I realized that now, even if I wanted to I wouldn’t be able to text her. I had pushed her away for her own good and now she discarded the only means she had of contacting me.

“Sir?’’

“I don’t fucking care, Lucas!’’ I yelled into the phone and hung up, my voice sore from yelling and eyes glazed over.

My breathing staggered, deserting me to leave me suffocating with the realization that I was a step closer to never seeing her again. I only needed to give my lawyer the green light to courier her the papers for our divorce, something I couldn’t bring myself to do. I would, but it was so damn hard to fully put into motion the severance of my only link to the woman I loved more than I thought I ever would or could.

Knocks at the door followed by someone entering my office without being invited didn’t make me look up. I didn’t care who it was and anyway it probably was Jonatan. I would distractedly listen to him babbling about something or another and wait for him to leave to go back to doing fucking shit. In the past two weeks my work had been going downhill and I didn’t give a damn. It was a first and it didn’t bother me or make me feel ashamed. I simply didn’t care because Lila made me realize that this empire was for my brother, not me. Did I enjoy my work? To a certain extent, but the unhealthy focus and obsession I had over expanding my empire and growing it more and more had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what I wanted to do for my brother, my family as if it’d ever lessen the pain of losing Max. Lila made me realize that I cared more about her than this damn business which was laughable considering I had met her because of GM Enterprises in the first place. My whole damn life was fucked up.

“Mathis.’’

My mother’s voice reached me, dragging me away from memories of Lila and her fiery eyes. I looked up and found my mother’s concerned face on the other side of my desk. She stood behind one of the chairs, her arms crossed as if to protect herself of what she saw in me, my despair and pain I couldn’t hide and didn’t really want to.

The lines on her face were deeper than the last time I had seen her and the green of her eyes less vibrant too. I didn’t register anything else.

“What are you doing here?’’ I asked, my voice rough from my raw feelings scratching at my insides, making me bleed always more than I already was.

“You’ve been avoiding me, mon gar?on. How long do you think I would let you get away from me?’’ She smiled gently and sat down, putting her purse down at her feet and draping her long brown coat in her lap.

“Mom, I’m not in the mood to talk about feelings and shit.’’ I waved at the mess on my desk. “And I’m busy. I have a lot do to.’’

“You don’t look good, mon gar?on.’’

“Mom.’’

She sighed and held up a hand. I leaned back in my desk chair and watched her taking me in, not missing a thing from the dark rings under my eyes, my slouched form, the creases in my suit, my tie hanging loose around my neck, the mess on my desk. Her thin eyebrows bunched. “Why are you doing this to yourself?’’

“Stop. We went through this already.’’ My jaw locked then and my eyes narrowed on my mother, but the warning in my stare didn’t do anything to her. If anything, sadness only became more visible in her eyes.

“I hate seeing you like this, Mathis.’’ She looked away then. “Call Lila and tell her how you feel. Give her the chance to make her own choice.’’

“I’m serious, Mom. Butt out.’’ I gripped the arms of my chair too tightly, the joints in my fingers ached, but I didn’t relax my grip. “I’m giving her what she’s always wanted and that’s all that matters to me.’’

“You love her. She should know that.’’

“Stop.’’ I closed my eyes tightly then.

“You don’t know if—‘’

“Stop!’’ I yelled, voice rough and breaking. My breathing was loud in the quiet office, so damn loud and heavy. I put a hand over my eyes, willing the damn pathetic tears to stay at bay, hiding away from my mother’s eyes full of pain for me. “Just stop, Mom. I’m begging you to stop,’’ I said, voice shaking so bad I sounded as broken as I felt. “Is it so bad to want to give her exactly what she’s wanted to be happy?’’