Be a Doll(98)
“Is she going to be fine? That you can tell me at least.’’
“She has her heart broken. What do you think it’s like?’’
“I have no clue,’’ I said more quietly, mostly to myself. I was thirty-two and I never had my heart broken. But I knew what death could do to you and it absolutely trampled me as a whole.
“Me neither, actually,’’ she said.
I stared at my wife then while she stared outside when our car left the traffic jam in the street before heading right into another one.
Shouldn’t she be allowed to experience everything her heart desired? Hadn’t she already gone through enough shit in her life?
Lead settled in my stomach as my heart started to crack for the very first time.
MATHIS
“Thank you for coming here, Mom,’’ I said as soon as I sat again in the Starbucks. I had called my mother just an hour ago after spending a sleepless night after having sex with my wife and she fell asleep. I didn’t think it possible to spend hours on end watching your spouse sleeping, but I was living proof that it was. I had her face committed to memory and the way she sometimes smiled in her sleep or frowned and how she sought me in slumber to cuddle into me before sighing in what could only be described as contentment before she was set for a heavier sleep against my chest.
Last night had only enforced what I already knew. It had also deepened the cracks in my heart. I was invisibly bleeding out on my own volition. It would probably be my first selfless act in a very, very long time.
“You’re welcome. But you could have picked a more charming place if you wanted to talk.’’ She looked around with a grimace. “It’s always busy at this hour and if it’s not it’s full of these authors or whatever they do on their laptops and you’re glared at for breathing too loud.’’
“It won’t take long.’’ I rubbed at my temples, aching from the lack of sleep. In fact, now that she truly looked at me her annoyance changed for concern. I saw the rings in the mirror when I got ready this morning and I hadn’t bothered shaving, something I didn’t do often.
“Is Lila all right? You two didn’t have a fight I hope.’’
“No, no.’’ I wrapped my hand around my coffee mug and with the other I pushed the one I got for my mother closer to her. She nodded her thanks, but kept quiet, giving me the time to sort through my thoughts before I talked. She’s always done that, giving me time and space. It took Lila to open my eyes to the kind of lengths my mother went for me, in everything. “She went to Megan’s. Apparently she has man trouble or something.’’
“I’m happy to see Lila and Megan getting close. Your sister has a hard time welcoming people in her life.’’
“Probably a trait she picked up from me growing up,’’ I grunted around a sip of coffee.
“Actually, I think it has more to do with your father’s demanding attitude toward her.’’ She got her phone out of her purse and put it face down on the table next to her, without a doubt making sure that she wouldn’t miss a call or message from her daughter if she needed some motherly comfort. “Now, tell me what’s wrong, mon gar?on. This isn’t a social call. You look like you haven’t slept at all.’’
“I needed to talk to someone about this.’’ I rubbed at my temple again and then scratched at the scruff on my cheeks. “I don’t… easily confide in people.’’
“I know.’’ She smiled at me then, concern still on her face, but the unshed tears in her eyes told me how she felt that I wanted to talk to her. She was the only person I trusted talking about this and the other day Lila had made me open a door I had kept tightly shut for a very long time with my mother. It was time to test if the threshold was sturdy enough. I really needed to talk because I couldn’t keep this inside of me.
“Lila forced me to open my eyes regarding my life and how I lived it. She also helped me win over a man who was the main reason why I went to Carter Manor in the first place.’’ My throat became tighter. I cleared it and frowned down at my coffee mug. “I’m going to start a divorce procedure first thing on Monday.’’
“What?’’
The incredulity in her tone had my ears ringing, but I didn’t look up to see the disappointment I was sure to see.
“Don’t worry, because I’m the one breaking the contract we signed, she will be well compensated and I’m going to throw in other things to make sure she has what she needs to build herself a good life.’’
“Mathis, look at me.’’ She tugged on my hand laying flat on top of the table until I looked up and was met with concern on her face, a concern that deepened the crow’s feet around her eyes. “What are you doing? I thought you and Lila were doing better.’’
“We are.’’
“Then why do you want to divorce her? Mon gar?on, I know this marriage is arranged, but with time you could—‘’
“I love her, Mom.’’
My damn heart wept inside my chest as my mother’s concern vanished for delight before confusion settled in. I had never said those words aloud when in reference to a woman. In all of my adult life, I had never said the word love aloud or thought about it. It wasn’t as difficult to say, but knowing that loving Lila didn’t mean I could keep her in my life, it made it that much harder to face the truth of my feelings for her.