Be a Doll(109)

“Is that why you’re here? A booty call?’’ Instead of pulling back, I put a hand over his strong forearm, gripping him through the thick fabric of his coat, wistfully willing his warmth to reach my palm.

“I don’t ever think of you that way,’’ he growled and got closer until his forehead touched mine. Once again he invaded me, taking over my whole world to become the only presence I saw, the only presence I cared about. I had no control over it, no idea of how to extricate myself from his call. “You’re so much more than a booty call, Lila. You’re my wife, you’re—‘’

“Not for much longer,’’ I cut him off, my voice cold again as reality fought to get me back on track, to remind me that while I didn’t do what needed to be done to keep my heart safe, I needed to protect what was left of me even if I was just a shell of a person now. That was still something.

I heard his breathing hitch, felt his hand trembling on the back of my neck, saw the stricken expression on his face deepening the small lines there as if he aged right in front of my very eyes.

“I have something to tell you, Lila. Let’s not do this on the sidewalk.’’

“You told me to leave because I wasn’t needed anymore, Mathis. What’s left to say? I don’t care of the finer details of what I’m entitled to get out of this marriage. I really don’t, so do whatever you want and—‘’

He stopped me with a bruising kiss, his lips frozen on mine, coaxed me to open for his tongue. I didn’t put up any resistance and I moaned into his mouth when his tongue caressed mine, taking over my whole perception of what was around us, what I should do. I let him sweep me off my feet, circling his neck with my arms, enveloping him in my arms as he did the same with me, clutching onto my back as if I was trying to escape him when I tried to get even closer, plastering myself to his front until I felt his heaving chest under mine.

His hand in my hair directed my head up as he deepened the kiss, nibbling on my lower lip again and again, earning himself more begging sounds from deep inside of me, the same place where I hurt, the same place where I shattered two weeks ago and one day exactly when he threw me out.

I pushed at his shoulders, but he didn’t release me. I pushed harder.

“No,’’ he said against my lips. “No, Lila.’’

“Stop,’’ I said, my mouth then shutting tightly.

He pressed his forehead against mine but stopped kissing me. His eyes were closed, but I saw the pained expression on his face and once again I couldn’t stay untouched. I toyed with the lapels of his coat, doing my best to avoid embracing him again.

“You have to feel that tension between us, that need. I can’t be the only one going crazy because of it.’’ He locked his eyes on mine.

“It’s lust.’’

“For you maybe,’’ he retorted, voice hoarse. His hands on me shook more. “To me it’s love.’’

My mouth dropped open but no words left it. The cold air iced my throat, but I was unable to seal my lips shut. My brain was stuck on his words, on one word really. My fingers tugged on his coat then, pulling him closer to me. “Don’t play with me, Mathis.’’

At his name, his nostrils flared and his fingers dug into me through my heavy coat. It still had an effect on him when I said his name and that fact thrilled me, coaxing my heart into beating faster still until my ribs bruised and the pumping muscle ached.

“I’m not playing. It’d be so much easier if I weren’t falling in love with you, Lila. The very first time you went off on me you had me. I’ve been so obsessed and since you left I’ve been in a very dark place. I can’t eat properly, I drink too much, I can’t sleep for shit and I haven’t been able to do my job. Nothing makes sense anymore and everywhere I look I think of you. The apartment has been suffocating me and yet I wanted to stay in there because I still felt you, I smelled your perfume everywhere.’’ He cupped my face in his big hands, his thumbs caressing my cheekbones so softly it made me shiver. “I’m a damn fool in love.’’

“You told me to leave.’’

“I wanted to give you what you wanted.’’

“What? I never said that I wanted to leave, Mathis. I felt something switching between us. I thought…’’ I trailed off, tears fogging up my vision. “And then you said you wanted a divorce. I can’t let you toy with my feelings.’’

“I’m not toying with your feelings.’’ He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my top lip. His beard was foreign on my skin, but the way he kissed me reminded me of that time after what had happened on the couch. “I know you want the freedom to build your own life away from anything reminding you of your past on the streets and Carter Manor. I know you want to get a choice in every aspect of your life. You deserve that and…’’

He was the one not finishing his sentence then, but he didn’t need to.

“You wanted to give me that chance,’’ I whispered, voice shaking as I caressed his cheek and his beard with one hand and put the other one over his heart under his open coat. It was beating hard under my palm, so fast that it rivaled with my own. It made me want to believe him, to throw caution to the wind and launch myself into his arms, but my badly shattered heart held me back. “I didn’t have a choice, though.’’