The Dilemma(58)

It’s dark where I’m standing in the shadow of the marquee. The night sky is black but the garden is a glaring spotlight of colour and movement. I’ve been hiding here since I managed to escape the crowds after Livia’s speech. I don’t know who to be anymore, or where to go.

I’m holding the blue wallet Liv gave me but I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s identical to the one I got in the travel agent’s this morning, and I thought, for one terrifying moment, that I was going to open it and find myself looking at the tickets to Cairo. My fear was so great that my mind began to shut down, so I couldn’t do what I was meant to do, react how everyone was expecting me to react and for once I was grateful to Rob for dragging me back to where I was supposed to be by telling me to get on with it. My relief when I saw the tickets were for Montpellier disappeared when I realised that they were for Tuesday. A sickness rolls through my stomach.

‘Mr Harman?’

I curse silently.

‘Amy.’ I don’t know Amy well. Josh has brought her home for the weekend a couple of times but I haven’t seen her since Easter. I know she’s at Exeter, studying Psychology, I think. Or maybe Anthropology. She seems a nice girl and she’s obviously very important to Josh. Remembering how off I was with her, I manage a smile.

‘I’m sorry if I was rude when you arrived. I was miles away at the time and I wasn’t expecting to see you.’

‘It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have just turned up. But I wanted to surprise Josh.’ She hesitates. ‘I know he’s told you about New York and I want you to know that I’ve tried to persuade him to go because I don’t want him to miss out. But he won’t listen.’

‘It’s fine, Amy, really.’

‘You’re not disappointed?’

‘No, it’ll be lovely to have the two of you nearby.’

She reaches up and gives me a kiss on the cheek. ‘Thank you for saying that.’

‘I’m going to find a glass of something to drink,’ I say. ‘Can I get you one too?’

‘No, thank you, Josh has one for me.’

We walk around from the side of the tent and with a quick smile, go our separate ways. My head feels as if it’s going to explode from the effort of trying to say the right thing, to be who everybody needs me to be, whether it’s Livia, Josh, Amy, or anyone else here tonight. The only thing that’s keeping me going is that there are only a couple more hours of this party left. The caterers should be bringing out a cake soon; Livia will blow out her forty candles, everyone will sing and gradually – hopefully – people will start to leave. I can’t wait for them to go – but I know that once they have, once I’m on my own with Livia and Josh, I’ll want to call everyone back so that I don’t have to tell them about Marnie, about what I’ve done.

‘Adam!’

This time it’s Nelson.

‘Sorry, not now.’ I force a smile and walk past him. I make it safely into the dining room and stand at the window, looking out to the street without seeing. And then, a noise begins to penetrate my brain, a noise so slight that at first, I think I’m imagining it.

I listen again. It’s coming from somewhere above me, the sound of someone – not talking or moving around – but just being. And I feel a burst of rage, because above me is Marnie’s bedroom and nobody, nobody has the right to be in there.

I run into the hall and charge up the stairs, so angry that when I get to the door, I wrench it open, not caring who’s inside.

Cleo’s sitting on the bed. She springs up, and the only thing that stops me from howling at her for being in Marnie’s bedroom and not being Marnie is the way she’s looking at me.

‘Adam, where’s Marnie?’ she asks.

I grab hold of the doorframe.

‘What do you mean?’

She hesitates, and with a creeping dread, I step into the room and close the door behind me.

‘I know I’m not meant to know,’ she says. ‘But Marnie told me she was coming to surprise Livia, because she wanted me to pick her up at the airport. She said it would be quicker than getting a taxi, and she wanted to get here as soon as possible. She made me swear not to tell anyone, not even Mum and Dad and I didn’t, I promise.’ Her hands are moving as she speaks, her fingers unable to be still. ‘But then I got a text from her this morning saying her flight was delayed and that she’d miss her connection in Cairo. She told me not to worry about picking her up because she had no idea what time she’d actually arrive in London, as it would depend if they could find her a seat on another flight. I was just to come to the party and she’d take a taxi from Heathrow. So I’ve been waiting all evening for her to turn up, and it’s now gone midnight. Have you had any news from her?’

I clear my throat. ‘No, not yet.’ I know I should say something more, but the fact that Cleo knows that Marnie was meant to be coming home has thrown me completely.

‘The thing is,’ Cleo goes on, and then stops.

‘What?’

‘It’s just that I heard about that awful plane crash and when I checked, I saw that it was the flight Marnie was meant to be on, and I was so happy that she missed it, I kept thinking how lucky she was that her first flight had been delayed. But now—’ She looks up at me, her eyes dark with fear. ‘There’s no way she could have made it, is there? I mean, wouldn’t she have contacted us by now to tell us what time she’d be arriving?’