The Dilemma(61)

I lean forward, my elbows on my knees, my head down, trying to hide my distress from Nelson.

‘For God’s sake, Adam, tell me!’ he says.

‘I can’t.’ My voice catches. ‘I need to tell Livia first.’

I sense him become still. ‘Are you ill, is that it? Is that what you need to tell Livia?’ There’s worry in his voice and I remember that Jess told Nelson she had MS before she told Rob.

‘No, no, I’m not ill,’ I say. ‘It’s something I’ve done.’ I need to stop talking, my voice is cracking and I can’t cry here, not now, not with everyone so close to leaving.

‘It can’t be that bad,’ Nelson says.

‘It is. Livia is never going to forgive me.’

‘Sure she will,’ he says. ‘She loves you.’

I shake my head.

‘If it was anyone else, I’d be really worried you were saying you’d had an affair,’ Nelson says, and for a moment I wish that was what it was; a horrible mistake and betrayal. ‘But I know you wouldn’t,’ he goes on. ‘That’s not you, that’s not who you are.’

Something breaks in me. I start laughing, because the alternative would be to weep.

For a moment, Nelson lets me laugh. And then he lays a heavy hand on my shoulder.

‘You must think I’m mad,’ I say, pressing my eyes with the heel of my hand.

‘Whatever it is, you’ll get through it,’ he says. ‘You all will, we all will. Whatever it is.’





Livia


I look over to where Nelson and Adam are sitting together on the wall and another layer of worry adds to the anxiety I’m already feeling about Adam. I watch for a minute, noticing how distressed he looks, and then I catch my name. My heart sinks. This can’t be about the present he still hasn’t given me, can it?

Just as I’m wondering if I should interrupt, Adam starts laughing. I haven’t heard him laugh all day and at first, I’m pleased that he’s relaxed a bit. But then I realise that there’s something almost desperate about his laughter and Nelson notices it too, because he puts his hand on Adam’s shoulder and says something quietly to him. And Adam’s laughter stops as quickly as it started.

I’m glad Adam made it out from wherever he was hiding in time for the cake. I thought he might bring the box with him, the one I saw sticking out from under the table earlier, but he didn’t. Somehow, I don’t think I’m going to be getting my present tonight. I can’t help speculating about what it might be. The box is far too large for the handbag I thought I might be getting, but it could be a smokescreen.

It’s not only me who’s thinking about the box, because suddenly Rob is staggering up the steps with it, not because it’s heavy but because of its size.

‘Hey, Adam!’ he calls over. ‘Haven’t you forgotten something? This is for Livia, right? The only problem is, I think you might have forgotten to put the present inside.’

‘Put it down!’ Adam’s voice rings out, cutting through the music. ‘Don’t touch it!’ He leaps to his feet, his face dark with anger. Heads turn towards him. He looks as if he’s going to lunge at Rob, and a huge part of me is willing him on.

Nelson places a restraining hand on his arm and for a moment, no-one moves.

‘Sorry, mate,’ Rob says, dropping the box on the ground. It falls onto its side and the top flaps open, exposing its empty interior. ‘I didn’t mean any harm.’

I know how much it is costing Adam to keep hold of his temper.

‘It’s alright,’ he says, forcing a quick smile. ‘It’s just that there’s been a bit of a problem with my present for Livia and I was hoping nobody would notice that I haven’t given her anything yet. Now, everybody has.’

‘It doesn’t matter!’ I call over. ‘I’ve had the best present ever with this lovely party!’

Everybody begins cheering and clapping and the moment is soon forgotten, especially by Rob, who leaps down the steps onto the terrace and begins dancing along to Village People’s ‘YMCA’, while Jess hides her face in mock-embarrassment. I turn my back on the scene, unable to look at Rob a moment longer, and bump into Paula.

‘I’m going to leave now, Livia,’ she says.

‘Now that you’ve had the cake?’ I tease.

She laughs. ‘I’m so glad that your mum turned up,’ she says, because everybody knows now. ‘It’ll be lovely if you can both put the past behind you and move on.’

‘We’re going to have a damn good try,’ I say, suddenly feeling tearful.

‘Make the most of it,’ she says. ‘Family is everything. I wish mine weren’t so far away. I feel so alone sometimes.’

‘Oh, Paula,’ I say, dismayed. ‘You’re not alone. You have friends all around you and look at all the things you’ve been doing since you retired.’

‘It’s not the same as having family around, though, is it? I look at you and Adam, at his family – Jeannie and Mike are super, aren’t they? At Josh, and Marnie who will be home soon. I envy you, Livia, not in a horrible way, but I envy you.’

‘I know I’m very lucky,’ I say, wishing I didn’t feel so guilty.