Royally Not Ready(126)
I rest my hands on my lap and quietly say, “Fear.”
“Fear of losing?” he asks, his voice softer.
I nod and lift my eyes to his as they brim with tears. “I love her so fucking much,” I say. “And since I’ve gotten here, I just . . . I fear what people might have said about me being with her. I fear that their opinions might encroach on her thoughts of me. I fear that she could get hurt and see that I’m not the man she deserves. I fear that I’m just not good enough, and all those fears lead to one thing. Losing her. And . . . I can’t fucking lose her.”
“But don’t you understand you’ve lost her by pushing her away? By not being honest? By letting outside factors hinder the bond you two share?”
“I do now,” I say.
“I thought we’d taught you better than that, Keller. Fear doesn’t determine your future. Fear is what holds you back. I hate to say it, my son, but you’ve taken the coward’s way out by ducking away, by not facing those fears, and that’s incredibly disappointing.”
A tear falls down my cheek as I nod. “I’m sorry. I . . . thought I was doing the right thing.”
“You thought you were protecting your heart from further damage.” He leans even more forward, his hand connecting with my knee. “But instead, you’ve created a gap in your soul by relinquishing the most important aspect that holds us all together—the ability to persevere and to love. And that’s a decision you’ll have to live with.”
I wet my lips and wipe at my cheeks. “I realize that.”
Theo leans back in his chair and says, “And the crazy thing about it all, when I spoke to her last night, I saw in her eyes that she still loved you. That’s what you don’t get. Her love for you is not conditional, my boy. You’ve been blessed with her unconditional love, and instead of protecting that gift, you’ve mishandled it. I just hope for your sake that she’ll give you another chance because, Keller, that girl, that woman, she’s going to change this country for the better with one smile, one kind gesture, and one speech of hope. And if you want to be on the right side of history, you better do everything you can to win her heart back.” He lifts the glass of water on his side table and takes a sip before saying, “You’re excused.” He presses a button, and the doors open, Ottar standing, waiting for me.
One hand on my shoulder, he guides me out of Theo’s office chambers and straight to the servants’ quarters, where I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do.
As I’m bent over my desk, I hear a knock at my door. Not bothering to turn around, I answer, “Come in.”
The door opens and then shuts, followed by the soft voice of Lara. “I heard what happened.”
Everyone’s heard what happened. News about my suspension quickly spread throughout Strombly, and it’s probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. I can’t even think about it, it makes me so sick.
Keeping my head down, I say, “Yeah, it was the right move for King Theo to make. I fucked up, didn’t show up for the job, and now I’m paying the consequences.”
“Those are the facts, but how are you feeling?” She sits on my bed, which is next to my desk.
I flick my pen onto my journal and lean back in my chair. “Like absolute piss,” I answer.
“Well, you don’t look any better.”
I bring my hand to my cheek, feeling my bruise. “Yeah, I’m sure.” I blow out a heavy breath. “Fuck, Lara, what was I thinking?”
“That’s the problem, Keller. You’ve been doing too much thinking. You’ve been trying to overanalyze everything when you should’ve just been living your life without worrying about what others would think or what your parents said. I know you love them dearly, and you would do anything to honor them, but you need to realize their way of thinking was old school.”
“I know.” I pinch my brow. “I fucked everything up, Lara.” I pause and then ask, “Wait, how are you doing? Have you spoken to Brimar?” I hate that I will have to tell her what else he’s been doing. Breaking her trust as a security officer is one thing. But his betrayal of their relationship is dreadful. Unexpected.
She shakes her head. “No, and I have no plans of speaking with him. He’s been fucking cheating on me, Keller. I was talking to Runa, and she told me that he’s been seeing her cousin’s friend on the side.”
“I just found out yesterday morning when I confronted him. I’m so sorry he did this to you, Lara.”
She sighs heavily. “I just feel so wronged. I loved him. Gave him my all. I thought . . . I thought we were in this life together, and he double-crosses both of us.”
“It’s fucked up.”
“I wonder if he did what he did to you because he knew you would probably find out about the cheating and wanted to hurt you before you hurt him?”
I pause and give it some thought. “You know, it’s a good possibility. Especially since everything was reported to me. Either way, he’s not the man we thought he was, and I want to ensure you’re okay.”
“He’s been distancing himself lately. When we were at Harrogate, we got into a few fights, and I even slept on the couch a few nights. I never said anything because I didn’t want our relationship woes to be a distraction from the training, but that was one of the reasons he was so adamant about leaving.”