Royally Not Ready(124)
“So that means you just ignore me?”
“I didn’t handle today correctly, okay? I was fucking terrified that I left a stone unturned after having to take Brimar off security. I wanted to make sure you were safe, that everything would go okay today, and nothing would ruin the welcoming.”
“You ruined it,” I say with a snap in my voice. “You might’ve thought you were taking care of me, but you weren’t. I was worried and self-conscious the whole time, wondering why you weren’t there. You did nothing but hurt the day for me, for us.” Another sob escapes me. “This was supposed to be our day, Keller. A day we worked so hard to get to, and you weren’t there.” I wipe a tear off my cheek and then quietly say, “You abandoned me, left me alone, the one thing I begged you not to do. The one thing you promised you’d never do.” Tears are now coming in droves.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he says, trying to take me into his arms, but I duck away and move toward the door. “Lilly, please, just let me make this better. I fucked up and thought I was doing what was right for you, for us, but—”
“But you weren’t.” With my sleeve, I wipe away my tears. “You left me . . . alone, and that, including lying to me, Keller, that’s something I don’t think I can forgive. If you loved me, you would’ve been there, instead of letting your insecurities control your actions.”
With one more wipe, I reach for his door, but he quickly comes up to me and holds the door shut. “Please, Lilly. Please don’t leave yet. Let me . . . fuck, just let me work through this with you.”
I tilt my head to the side as I ask, “Work it out? Like actually talk to me, what you should have been doing all day? Why should I let that happen now? You didn’t even tell me you were adopted.”
“Because it wasn’t . . . it wasn’t fully true.”
“What do you mean?”
“The paperwork never went through because of complications with the crown. It was more of a formality. I never mentioned it because . . . because it was never true.”
“But it was true in your heart,” I say.
His eyes flash to the side as he says, “Yes . . . yes, it was.”
“Which means it was something you should have told me,” I say through clenched teeth. “What has this relationship been to you?” I ask. “Has it just been about sex?”
“No,” he says quickly. “Lilly, you should fucking know it’s not just about sex.”
“Well, that’s what it seems like to me.”
He steps back, looking insulted. “It hasn’t been about sex. It’s way deeper than that for me. I fucking told you I love you, and I haven’t said that to anyone.”
“Then maybe you don’t know the meaning of love.”
“I do,” he growls back at me. “Because I haven’t said those words to anyone else, means I know how impactful they are, how important they are. I saved them for the right person, for you, because I know, deep in my fucking soul, that you’re the person my heart was supposed to fall for.”
I place my hand on his doorknob and twist it. “If you loved me, then you wouldn’t have left me to fend for myself today. You would’ve realized that today trumped your insecurities, and you would’ve done everything in your power to be there for me. But you weren’t, and as I said, Keller, that’s unforgivable.”
I move past him, open the door, and leave, heading right back the way I came, my eyes puffy and still tearing up as I make my way through the tunnel. When I reach the picture frame, I knock.
Runa opens the door and says, “Coast is clear.” She helps me back into my room, where I sit on my bed, my body feeling empty.
“Here, let’s get you out of this,” Runa says as she carefully takes off my hoodie and sweatpants. The whole time, I stare at the wall. Even as she helps me lie down, I don’t say anything. After I’m tucked in, she sits on the side of my bed and says, “You know, Miss Campbell, it’s within my job responsibilities to take care of you, to make sure you have everything you need, and to be a guide when need be. It’s not a requirement to act as a friend or a confidante. It’s frowned upon to grow too close to the one you’re serving.” She brushes a stray piece of hair out of my face. “But I can’t help but feel drawn toward you. You remind me very much of my sister who I lost just five years ago.”
I look up at her now. “I’m so sorry, Runa. I didn’t know you lost a sister.”
“I did. And she was vibrant and beautiful, just like you. She had the world at her feet, and the possibilities were endless. But with one wrong decision, one dark night, we lost her. I’m trying to tell you that you have the world at your feet with so much to offer to this country. I’m not sure what you might be going through with Keller, who by all means is a wonderful man inside and out, but don’t let the devil swoop in when you have so much promise moving forward. You’re strong, Miss Campbell. You might think you need him, but you never did. A man doesn’t define your ability to stand on your own two feet. Your brain and your heart do. Perhaps continue to use them in the right way.”
I nod, my lips curled in together as I hold back my tears. “Thank you, Runa.”
Chapter Twenty-Four