Indefinite (Salvation #6)(19)

“What happened?”

“An accident.”

“Please don’t be coy with me. You’re hurt . . . more than just your leg. You lost King, and I want to know how you got hurt.”

Quinn shifts. “Everything is fine. I don’t want to talk about it.”

I release a heavy breath, pulling my legs underneath me. We don’t talk, and we never have, which is what has put us in this mess to begin with. “This is part of the problem, you know? I want to be here for you, but you don’t know how to let me. You say you love me, and I think, somewhere inside you, that’s true. But not communicating is not the kind of relationship I want. I used to be okay with it, the secrets and us having separate lives. I understood that you had to protect yourself because of your job. But the more you did that, the more you pushed me out and the more my heart broke.”

He jerks back, and I see the anger and fear starting to build. “Because I don’t want to tell you all the gory details?”

“I’m not asking for details, Quinn. I’m asking for you to let me in. I’m asking for you to share something with me. Not about the accident, but about what happened.”

He gets to his feet, and I wrap my arms around my stomach to keep it together. I have no idea if he’s going to tell me or if he’s going to walk out.

“I can’t tell you.”

When our eyes meet, mine are filled with sadness. In a part of my heart, I wanted this time to be different because I do love him. Quinn is the only man I’ve ever felt this way for. He is my heart and soul, no matter how much I wish it were otherwise.

I stare at him, begging for him to say something, to give me anything. “I don’t need it all, I just need a piece.”

He shakes his head. “There are no pieces to give.”

My heart sinks. “I figured.”

“Not because I don’t want to trust you but because this is the part of my life I don’t think you need to be burdened with. No one should give the woman they love this kind of baggage.”

I hate that he feels that way. I wish he would say that it’s too heavy for him to carry alone. I want to shoulder it with him. “Do you think Liam or Jackson feel like that? Do you think that Ben or Mark don’t share with the women they love? Because I promise you, they do.”

His eyes close, dark lashes fall, and I know that he won’t crack.

“It doesn’t matter.”

My lips form into a thin line. “It matters to me. Please, let me be and go.”

He groans and grabs his shirt. “I’m not perfect, Ashton. I’m far fucking from it, but I’m here and I’m trying.”

“And I appreciate it, but it’s not enough to always be on the fringes of your life. I want it all, Quinn. I want a baby, a marriage, a life with a man who is willing to share it all with me.”

“I need some time!”

God this is the definition of insanity. “You’ve had years! Years! I don’t have that luxury anymore. I’m having a baby.”

“Who is the father?”

I jerk my head back. “None of your business.”

His lips purse, and I can practically feel the testosterone rolling off him. “None of my business?”

“Nope. You lost that right.”

“Tell me, Ash.”

“Why? So you can what? Beat him up?”

He clenches his hands. “I can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?”

“I can’t imagine you with another man.”

I’m being such a bitch, but I can’t seem to care enough to stop. He has no right to show up and demand anything.

“Leave, Quinn. Just leave and save us both the heartache.”

His breathing is so heavy I can hear the effort it’s taking him to stay calm. He’s said so many times that I’m the only person who does this to him. Part of what he prides himself on is being stoic. Not many people can walk into a room where they know they could die and smile, Quinn can. When he’s with me, all that self-control goes out the door, and I love it.

I like that I’m the woman who brings him to his knees. I also like that he’s pissed off about a baby that doesn’t exist yet.

“No,” he says and steps closer. “Not until . . .”

“Not until?”

A long, slow breath exits his lips and then his eyes close. “Not ever.”

We both know that statement is not true. He’s on leave, and he’ll have to go back and then deploy again. Just like every other time before. “You say that, until the navy tells you otherwise.”

“I can’t change what I am.”

A tear falls because he still doesn’t get it. “I don’t want you to. That’s the thing. I loved you so much, and I would’ve been there if you included me, just once. You make choices without regard for me, and you don’t include me, Quinn. You don’t want me to be a part of your life, you just want me in it.”

“I’ve changed. I don’t want a life without you.” His voice is soft, but there’s an edge to it. Knowing how much emotions scare him, I know that took a lot of effort.

“You want to marry me?”

The fear flashes, but he recovers quickly. “If that’s what you want.”