Indefinite (Salvation #6)(24)

His head jerks back. “What shouldn’t have happened?”

I point to the couch. “This! It was a one-time deal, and now I think it’s time for you to go.”

I don’t want him to leave. I want him to stay, love me, give me everything, and yet, I know that’s a fallacy I can’t afford to hold on to. I’ve allowed Quinn to treat me the way he does. There was a precedence set that he could do what he wanted and I would stand by him. When I asked him to make concessions and he didn’t, by not putting my foot down or walking away, I basically told him it was allowable. I’ve given him permission to break my heart so many times, and that is not going to end if I don’t change.

Could things be different? Maybe.

Maybe he could end up being the best husband in the world, but based on the fight we had, I’m going to say it’s not likely.

“So, that’s it? You’re going to give up? I already told you that I’ll be here for you and the baby.”

I scoff. “Please, you weren’t even there for me when it was just me. How am I to believe that you’ll stick around and help raise another man’s child? How can you ask me to set myself up for that kind of letdown?”

He shakes his head. “No, I’ll help raise your child, and that child will be mine. Just like you are.”

I don’t believe him at all. “Leave,” I say with sadness.

“If that’s what you want . . . then, fine, Ash. I won’t keep fucking begging you to see that it’s different this time.”

If he were anyone else, I might have believed that. I wish so much that I could run to him, wrap him in my arms, and let him care for me. That isn’t what we’ve ever been, which is heartbreaking. Our love has always been filled with contingencies. It’s not the way I want to live anymore.

So, I shouldn’t feel like someone is ripping my heart out right now. It shouldn’t be hard to breathe as I watch him get to his feet and grab his clothes off the floor.

“I’m sorry it’s like this,” I say, and then my eyes drop to what’s stolen his attention—the black book of baby daddies. I close my eyes and pray he doesn’t realize what it is. He’ll know I am . . . intentionally leading him to a false conclusion of my pregnancy, and then I’ll really be in trouble.

His eyes meet mine. “Are you? Because, maybe you’re right. I tell you that I’ve changed and then I show up here, fight with you, and we end up fucking on the couch. I’m sorry I keep doing this.” Quinn pulls his shorts on and yanks his shirt back over his head. “I should go.”

I turn and head to the window, not wanting to watch him leave me again. I stare out at the world that’s moving on around me, ever-turning, changing, and I feel like I’m going in circles.

Quinn has been a part of my life that I never thought I would give up. There were happy times throughout the three years. Of course, we fight. That’s who we are. He’s an alpha asshole and I’m a stubborn bitch. However, when we are both just us . . . it is magical.

He made me smile, put up with me when I was crabby, and took care of me when I was sad. After the whole thing with my ex, Quinn never judged me. He didn’t try to make me feel lower than I already felt. No, he stood there, horrified that any man would hurt two women so badly.

I think I fell in love with him that day.

Just that simply. As though there was really no other option. Loving him was inevitable, just like losing him was.

But he’s here now, wanting another chance, and I slept with him. Does that mean anything?

“Look,” I say with resignation after a few minutes of thinking. “Can you give me a bit of time to figure out my life?”

“I’ll give you all the time you need to figure things out.” He brings his lips to mine as his thumb rubs my cheek.

How can a short kiss leave me feeling so lost? I look away, wrapping the blanket tighter around myself. After a few minutes of me staring out at the glimmer of lights of the city, I hear him clear his throat. “I have to think,” I explain.

“I know.” He stands at the door, and I make my way toward him.

Once it closes, I need to lock him out of my apartment and my heart.

“It’s a lot . . .”

He watches me, saying, “I know, and now you’re going to have a baby, right?”

There is something about his tone that makes my senses spike. “Right . . .”

“I mean that there isn’t just us to think about. You’re going to have another man in our life and that’ll mean compromise on both our parts.”

My eyes narrow. “I don’t think he’ll be an issue . . . why are you being so understanding?”

“Me? I’m not. I’m stating the obvious. With you being pregnant and all . . . I need to think about the entire situation and how we could navigate the murky waters of co-parenting.”

“Okay.” He knows. He saw the book and figured it out and that’s why his mood changed.

He turns, opening the door, and then stops in the hall before he’s fully out. “You dropped this.” Quinn hands me the black book. He leans in and kisses my cheek with a grin. “I’d pick the guy on page twenty. He looks the most like me.”

Son of a bitch. “Which is why I haven’t picked him.”