Indefinite (Salvation #6)(23)

I shift to sit, covering myself with the blanket as I take in what he said. My heart is breaking because I’ve felt the same in some ways. I’ve missed him desperately. Our love is infinite and there are no breaks, but even though that is a truth, it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. We have very real, very major issues.

“I’m sorry I tried to slap you. I never should’ve done that.”

He takes my hand in his. “I’m not. I was out of line. Here I am, trying to prove that I’ve changed, and I hurt you so that you can’t hurt me first.”

“And here you are, doing what I’ve asked you to do for years, and I can’t accept it.”

Quinn’s fingers tangle with mine as though, if he just holds on tight enough, we can’t break apart. “I will do whatever it takes. I’m on leave for a month, and I’ll take a month after that if I have to. I’m sor—”

This is not going to end well for me. I already know it. When he wants something, he gets it. I have to remember that sometimes when someone gets something they want, they also give it back.

“Don’t,” I say quickly. “Don’t apologize. We’re both at fault. I know you’re hurting right now.” My hand touches his chin, drawing his attention back to me. “Let me in. Tell me what happened and how you got injured and sent home early.”

He seems to debate for a moment, and then his eyes close as he does what I ask. “We were in the Humvee, talking about King’s upcoming wedding. He was fucking happy. He couldn’t wait to get back home so that he could make Tessa his—not like she didn’t own him already, but that’s beside the point. Then it was like nothing. No Earth, no ground, no world around me. The laughter was gone, and it was replaced with deafening sounds.”

I fight back the tears that form when I think of him and the fear that must’ve been in that vehicle. He takes my hand in his, holding it against his chest and lacing our fingers.

“I was watching it all happen, but there was no slow motion. It was so fast that I couldn’t process anything. There was screaming, but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, blood was splattered on my face, and I had no idea if it was one of the guys’ or mine. When the flipping finally stopped, I didn’t want to focus. I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen because the quiet was worse than the noise. Quiet means that people were dead.”

I tighten my fingers, letting him know I’m here, but he doesn’t respond. This had to be incredibly difficult to recount. I raise my other hand to his face, going very slowly and giving him time to escape. “I’m so sorry. I wish . . . I wish I could . . .” I don’t know what I wish for because nothing will make it better. “I know how much those guys meant to you.”

He nods, his eyes on mine but the anguish is hard to see. This man, this strong, fighter of a man, is breaking. “I was able to get everyone out, but we lost King. Of all the guys we lost, it shouldn’t have been him. I was so upset, but then all I could fucking think about was you. You, Ashton. There, in the middle of me possibly dying, your face was the only thing I could focus on. The regrets that filled me were sitting on my chest, and all I could think about was getting back to you. So, don’t fucking tell me I don’t love you.”

My lip trembles. “And then you get back and were met with my glowing reception.”

He gives a half-smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t expect this to be easy.”

“No, it definitely won’t be.”

“I know that I have a lot of groveling to do.”

“Yeah.” I nod. “I’d say that.”

“But I’m willing to do it. I’ll fight through whatever line of men is trying to take my place. I’ll slay any dragon if it means I get you in the end. I know talk is cheap and that I’ve made promises I couldn’t keep before, but I want to give you whatever you want.”

His fingers wipe away a tear I didn’t feel fall. “I’ve only ever wanted you.”

“You have me.” His voice is soft.

“I mean all of you. I want a life, Quinn. That means you coming home to me, loving me, having a family. I don’t want a relationship that is so confined that it’s easy to walk away from. Regardless of how much you thought pushing me away would make losing you any easier—it didn’t.”

“I know. I know I can’t give you everything you want, but I will do what I can. I will be a better man.” He shifts, forcing me to sit up. “I need time to figure out how to do it, and I need you to help me.”

I close my eyes and let another tear fall as an echo of a past promise whispers to me.

He’d asked that of me before.

Said almost those exact words.

What happens when he realizes it’s not for him? I’m the one who is left stranded. That’s what.

No. I said one time only and that’s what this will be. A goodbye to the girl who believed Quinn would be her savior.

“There’s no point, Quinn.” I get up, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapping it around myself. “I’m going to have a baby, and we both know this won’t work.”

“How won’t it?”

“Because I won’t allow myself to hope for more. This never should’ve happened.”