Indefinite (Salvation #6)(17)

“Dick.”

“You’re so damn busy beating yourself up that you forget the good things you do. Look, I wouldn’t be friends with you if you were a piece of shit. That’s just me being honest. The choice is yours, Quinn. If you lose her, then it’s because you let her go. If she loves someone else, then you have to love her enough to let her be happy.”

I love her more than she’ll ever know. Letting her go isn’t the issue because I’ve already done that. It’s when I see my life without her that I can’t fucking take it. My heart aches each night at the thought of her not being with me. I fight so hard to stay away, and I always find myself on her doorstep.

My eyes close, and my head falls back. “So many things I would’ve done differently.”

“I get that. Regrets are a man’s worst nightmare.”

Chief says that before every deployment. We have a team meeting where we find out a little about what our missions and goals are, and then he tells us to go home and wrap up all our loose ends. He always says that it’s not what you do before you leave that’ll fuck your head up, it’s what you don’t do.

According to him, having regrets is the highest cause of casualties.

“It wasn’t until the accident that I understood that saying.”

“Yeah, almost dying will do that to you.”

Liam and I talked about this before I left to head back to the States. I explained the conversation I was having with Trevor, King, and Bennett before the Humvee accident. The four of us were laughing, talking about how King was going to get married when he got back. We were joking about how he wouldn’t be the king of anything anymore because he was about to be shackled.

Only he didn’t look sad about any of it. In fact, he smiled at the idea of marrying Tessa. He was happy because he never questioned her love and she was willing to put up with his shit.

Then, in the midst of him explaining how love wasn’t a shackle, we were airborne.

“I can’t stop seeing his face. I can’t help but wonder if he felt like he missed out by not marrying Tessa sooner. Then all I could think about was Ashton. I knew that, if I died, I would regret letting Ash walk away. It was all there, and I have to fix this.”

Liam is quiet for a few seconds. “If I died, I would have no regrets. I know that my wife loves me and is very much aware of how I feel about her. My kids are everything to me, and they know it as well. You’ve spent your entire adult life worried about what would happen to the people around you if you died that you forgot to live.”

“I’ve done what I thought was right.”

“Yeah, and how’s that working for you?”

To think I called him for support. “You should be a motivational speaker, Dreamboat, or maybe a therapist because you’re super fucking helpful.”

He snorts with a low chuckle. “No, I’m honest. You don’t need me to blow smoke up your ass, buddy. You’ve been doing that to yourself for long enough. I’m not going to lie because, if I remember correctly, you didn’t do it when I was dating Lee. So, I’m going to say this and then I’m going to hang up because my wife is waiting for me to call. If you love Ashton, then figure out what you need to do to show her. If you can’t love her and the baby she’s carrying, walk away and nurse your broken heart away from her. She’s going to be a mother now, and she doesn’t need to take care of you along with a kid.”

“Thanks for the advice, asshole.”

“Anytime, douchebag.”

I disconnect and head to the window. The place I found is a few floors above hers and it would be so easy to go to her, but I won’t do that until I know for sure what my plan is. Liam is right, her life is about to change, and I’ve caused enough issues to last her a lifetime.

I stare out at the skyline and wonder if I could walk away if I wanted to.

I know that I couldn’t.

Now, I just need to get off my ass and get my life together.





9


Ashton





I did it. I pushed him away. I knew it would happen with those few little words, and even though that was my goal . . . I wanted to be wrong.

He said he loves me. For the first time, those words escaped his lips and my world tilted just a bit.

Then he didn’t chase me, and that tilt became nothing but broken ground beneath my feet.

It’s almost ten, and while I wish I could fall asleep, there’s not a chance in hell it’ll happen. I grab my workbag and a glass of wine and flop onto the couch. Since there’s nothing else to do, I might as well browse the book before I chicken out.

I’m not sure what parameters to look for, though. Obviously, I want someone who is in good health and smart. There are a few types of smart—book and street—and I can’t exactly tell if a guy has common sense based on his bio, but I want the father to be someone I might have chosen if he and I met.

I flip each page slowly and sip my wine, but when I’m about halfway through, I groan.

Not one guy has appealed to me.

I blame Quinn. If he hadn’t shown up, the firefighter with the tight ass would’ve been perfect.

Knock, knock, knock.

I jump, almost spilling my wine. Who the hell is at my door this late? I didn’t order food so there are really only a few other possibilities. One is that my stupid ex-boyfriend has come out of his statue-like state—three hours later—and wants to talk. Another is that it’s someone who doesn’t know what apartment they’re at. Three is that it’s a hero with an impressive dick who is going to save me from the hell of picking a sperm donor.