Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(34)

“I should buy a nice, fluffy area rug for in here. Maybe one with some teal accents to go with the really pretty teal vase on my coffee table that my grandma gave me as a housewarming present… the teal vase I knocked over and smashed into a million pieces when I dramatically flung myself onto the floor an hour ago and my foot kicked the table. It was an awesome vase. A Red Wing pottery vase from the 1930s that my grandmother got as a wedding present and gave to me and I ruined it! It was so pretty with scalloped edges at the top and a soft teal glaze, and I broke it. Maybe I should look into a new coffee table as well. Something smaller.

“Uuugh! Focus, Heidi! You can do this. It’s no big deal. He’s just a guy. Just a regular guy who likes lemonade. It’s like some unwritten rule that guys who like lemonade aren’t jerks. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere. And he is a nice guy. It’s not like he’ll point and laugh at me when I ask him out, right? Right. He won’t. Because he’s sweet and thoughtful and really good-looking.

“Oh no. Now I’m starting to panic again. You guys, he’s so handsome it’s ridiculous. It’s also intimidating. No one should look that good every day. It’s not fair. Maybe I could request that he puts a bag over his head while I talk to him.

“Okay, I need to get serious here. My mom has called me thirty-five times since I started recording this podcast to see if I asked him out yet. Oh, and she knows about this podcast now, so that’s super-fun. That was me being sarcastic. Thankfully, she replied to a text I sent her earlier by posting the answer on her Facebook profile, because she doesn’t understand how technology works. So, I’m guessing the chances of her actually finding this podcast and listening to it are slim to none.

“And that brings me to the romance novel excerpt I’ve been tasked to read today. Just like the other excerpts, I’m going in blind, and I haven’t looked at it yet. Unfortunately, I know what it’s about, but it’s fine. I’m just gonna go for it, and it will be perfect. So, here we go.

“‘Tell me what you want, baby, he says to her in a deep voice filled with need.

His hips jerk forward between her thighs, and she feels his hard… his hard… she-feels-his-hard-cock-slide-against-her.

‘I want your mouth on my…’ Um. ‘I want your mouth on my…’ One word, two syllables, starts with the letter P, sort of rhymes with footsie. ‘I need to feel your lips and your tongue between my legs. Please, she begs, as his palm slowly glides up her bare thigh. Make me…’ Opposite of the word go.

“Whew! That was kind of hot. And hey, I said a dirty word! You might have missed it, since I said it really fast, but I did it and I didn’t die! Wow, this is very exciting. I feel like I can do anything right now. You know what? I’m gonna march right over to my neighbor’s house and I am going to ask him out on a date! I’m gonna do it, and I’m not going to be afraid, gosh darnit!

“Okay, wish me luck. This is Heidi’s Discount Erotica, signing off.”





Chapter 17





“YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT? YOU WANT ME TO COME IN HARDER? OH, I CAN COME IN HARDER. OH MY GOD, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

My fist hovers near Brent’s door, when I hear the shouting coming from the other side. Along with a lot of grunting and heavy panting.

“WILL YOU STOP TALKING ALREADY? I CAN’T FOCUS AND GET THIS DONE IF YOU DON’T STOP TALKING!”

More loud grunting and some muffled words I can’t make out come from inside Brent’s house, so I do what any rational woman would do in my position. I move in closer and press my ear against the door. Which is a huge mistake. Brent chooses that moment to start shouting again.

“LEFT TO RIGHT! LEFT TO RIGHT! GOD, YOU SUCK AT THIS! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! MOVE FASTER! I CAN’T FINISH IF YOU DON’T MOVE FASTER! STOP TELLING ME TO PULL OUT!”

I jump back from the door like it’s on fire and just burned the side of my face. Going by how hot my ears are right now from what I heard, I’m assuming my ears really are going up in flames.

“WHAT AM I STUCK ON? OOOH, DOUBLE PUMP IS BACK, BABY!”

Oh my word. What is it that I’m currently listening to? I have to say, I’ve been feeling very empowered lately reading erotic romances novels for my podcast. They’re sexy and have such beautiful love stories woven in between the dirty scenes I’ve grown to love. But this…. I’ve never read anything like what’s happening on the other side of this door. Is Brent into the rough stuff? Is this how that BDSM thing works?

What if he’s with Laura Newberg and he finally decided to take her up on her raincheck offer because I’ve been too much of a chicken to ask him out?

“I NEED SOME WOOD! THERE WE GO! I AM A BEAST!”

My eyes widen so much I’m surprised they don’t pop right out of my head. I quickly glance side-to-side nervously, hoping no one else in the neighborhood can hear what’s going on in Brent’s house. It’s bad enough I can hear what’s going on. Poor Laura.

“Hey, Miss Larson.”

“Holy krikey!” I shout as I whirl around when I hear the quiet murmur of my name.

Not only are my ears on fire; my entire face feels like I just submerged it into a tub of boiling water when I see sixteen-year-old Justin Holcomb standing on the top step of Brent’s front porch. I used to babysit him when I was in high school. I’ve watched him grow into a smart, well-mannered young man who has been mowing my parents’ lawn for the last three years. And he just caught me spying on my neighbor, and most likely heard all the unmentionable things being shouted through the door behind me.