Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words

Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words

Tara Sivec, Andi Arndt




Prologue





“Hello, everyone! Welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica Podcast, episode number ten. I’m really sorry I haven’t uploaded anything new lately, but I promise I’ve been reading all your comments. I’ve just been… going through a little something, and I needed some time. I’m going to do something different today, so I hope—” I jump in my seat as my mom bursts through my front door.

“Hi, honey! I brought you dinner. Let me just move some of this stuff out of the way,” she says, sliding all my notes on my coffee table from in front of me.

“Mom! I’m in the middle of recording a podcast. Didn’t you see the Do not knock, ring doorbell, or disturb. Recording in process sign on the front door?”

“Uff da! Of course I saw the sign. Obviously it wasn’t meant for your mother. Especially when she brings you a tater tot hotdish. So, I was at the supermarket today and ran into Shirley. You remember Shirley—from church? She told me there was a sale on ground meat. Can you believe they marked it down to ninety-three cents a pound? So I got a few pounds of ground meat to put in the freezer in the garage, and then I remembered your dad told me we were out of those mini frozen pizzas he likes to eat during his Sunday afternoon poker games with the boys. I was in the frozen pizza aisle, and I saw they had frozen corn on sale. Now, you know I only like to get fresh corn from the Hastings Farm over on Wilson Road, but it’s nice to have some put away in the freezer for the winter, and you just can’t pass up such a good deal, so I grabbed ten bags. I went up and down the freezer section, looking for more good deals, and then I ran into Carrie. You remember Carrie—the one you used to work with at the school? She was so nice, asking how you were and what you were up to. I started telling her about the little show you’ve been doing and how proud we are of you, even if you talk about things on the show that I can never repeat in public. So, that’s why I’m here!”

“That doesn’t at all explain why you’re here,” I reply, still wondering how my mother can tell a story that long without seeming to take a single breath.

She huffs. “It’s like you don’t even listen to me, Heidi. Frozen tater tots were on sale. I know you get so busy when you work on this little recording thingy that you forget to eat, and I just thought it would be nice to bring something for all your fans to enjoy. Everyone likes my tater tot hotdish.”

I give her a placating smile. “Mom, that’s really very sweet of you, but that’s not how this works. First of all, I have a lot of listeners. One hotdish would not be able to feed them.”

She waves her hand to dismiss my concerns. “It’s fine. I have seven more tater tot hotdishes in the car. I’ll just go out and get them. You should always have enough food to feed your guests. I can’t believe you don’t even have any Jell-O salad prepared or at least a cheese ball set out. I know you’ve been on a mission to find yourself, but that doesn’t mean you should forget about your upbringing and all of the manners I taught you.”

I stare at her blankly for a moment, and then proceed to try to explain. “Mom, I love you, but there won’t be any guests in the house. This is all done on the computer and then put out on the internet for people to listen to whenever they want. My listeners don’t come to my house to watch me record my podcast, so they don’t need a hotdish, Jell-O salad, or cheese. These people don’t live across the street or down the block. They live all over the place.”

“I know of one particular listener who lives very close to you who might enjoy my tater tot hotdish.” She purses her lips and raises one perfectly manicured eyebrow.

“We’re not talking about him right now. I still haven’t figured out how to fix that little problem, so that’s going on the back burner right now,” I murmur.

She rolls back the tinfoil on the tater tots, and I reach over and snag one with my fingers before she swats me. “Fine. Then what are you talking about on this podcast thingy you’re recording tonight?”

“Well, since I have a bunch of new listeners, and some that have been with me for a while, I thought it would be nice to recap everything that’s happened so they can get the full story, and not just my random podcast ramblings where I leave a bunch of stuff out. I’m going to start at the beginning and tell them everything. I think they deserve to know it all.”

“So, you will be talking about a certain handsome gentleman who lives very close to you. Hold on, let me just pull up a chair and get comfy. I brought forks and plates so we don’t even need to go into the kitchen to eat the tater tot hotdish.” She opens the plastic grocery bag hanging from her arm.

I’m already shaking my head. “Mom, you can’t be here while I record my podcast.”

Her brow furrows. “And why not? I brought you a—”

“If you say tater tot hotdish one more time….”

She grabs the back of my rolling computer chair from in front of my desk and wheels it over to sit next to the coffee table, divvying out some of the cheesy deep fried potatoes onto two plates before setting one in front of me with a fork. “Just pretend like I’m not even here. Can you show me how to use the record a video thingy on my cell phone? I want to memorialize this and show it to the ladies at church. My famous daughter, talking to all her fans. If someone calls in, can I answer the call and patch them through to you?”