Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(3)

“I had a nice time tonight, Laura, but I need to be up early for work tomorrow morning.”

Laura! I knew that voice sounded familiar.

Laura Newberg, with perfect, thick blonde hair, and perfect long legs, who always made fun of me in elementary school because I wore glasses, who laughed at the colorful tights I wore under my dresses regardless of the temperature, and who always called me “cute.” But not in a nice way. In a “Well, aren’t you just cute” way, where it sounds condescending, like I’m a puppy. Perfect, beautiful Laura Newberg, who always introduced herself as, “Laura, with an a-u”, like there was any other way to spell Laura.

While I hold my body perfectly still in the fetal position on the ground, Brent’s deep, raspy voice travels across our two yards and makes me forget all about the pain and embarrassment of falling off my porch and the misery I felt when he smiled at his date. Especially since he seems to be giving Laura with an a-u the brushoff as politely as he can.

“Are you sure? I could make the late night worth your while. Not to brag or anything, but I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my blowjob skills.”

Laura practically purrs these words, and my mouth drops open in shock that she would have the nerve to say something so forward to a man on their first date. I wouldn’t even say that to a man on our twentieth date. Or our eight-hundredth. Or our fiftieth wedding anniversary.

I realize I don’t know Brent all that well, but I cannot believe he would actually take someone like Laura on a date. Here I thought finding out earlier today that I’ve been laid off as a kindergarten teacher because of budget cuts was the worst thing that could happen to me. Instead, the sadness and dread sitting like a rock in my stomach right now is because I’m wondering if this is the type of woman Brent is attracted to. I’ve never been able to even ask a man to kiss me before. Just the idea of vocalizing something like that makes me break out in a cold sweat. I can’t imagine thinking the things Laura has said in the middle of Brent’s yard, let alone saying them out loud.

Hugging my knees to my chest, I listen to Brent repeat that he had a nice time with her at dinner, but that he really needs to get to bed early, and asking for a raincheck. A raincheck! Which means he definitely liked the things Laura said she wanted to do to him and wouldn’t mind taking her up on her offer another time when he doesn’t have to be up so early in the morning. Closing my eyes, I can picture those adorable dimples in his cheeks as he smiles down at her, and it makes me a little nauseous. A few seconds later, I hear the heels of her shoes clicking against the sidewalk, followed by the slam of a door, and the start of a car engine. I finally relax a little when the sound of her car driving away fills the night, and I unwrap my arms from around my legs, rolling over to push myself up from the ground.

“You okay in there, Heidi?”

My body jolts when I hear Brent’s voice right on the other side of the hydrangeas, and once again, I freeze, still partially crouched down behind the bush.

Oh no! Oh jeez!

“You betcha!” I shout through the leaves and branches in a loud chipper voice, thankful he can’t see my face redden in complete mortification. “Thought I saw a few dead flowers on the hydrangea bush and I wanted to get rid of them, because you should always prune your bushes!”

Son of a nutcracker, Heidi! Stop talking!

“Need any help in there?” Brent asks, the laughter in his voice coming through loud and clear.

“Nope, nope. I’m good, but thank you for asking. Just gonna finish up and then head on inside. Boy, is it hot out here tonight or what? I know you’re from California and probably used to the heat, but just wait. Minnesotans like to say we have four seasons: Winter, More Winter, Still More Winter, and That One Day of Summer,” I giggle uncomfortably.

I roll my eyes at myself, knowing I sound like a complete idiot, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it. It’s not like I can just ignore him or be short with him when he’s asking me questions. I was raised to never be rude to anyone, even if you’re hiding in a bush after spying on your crush, and that crush knows you were spying on him, and you’re too embarrassed to remove yourself from the bush, because he just went on a date with perfect, dirty-talking Malibu Barbie, and your long, wavy black hair that you pulled up into a high ponytail looked kind of nice when you got home from work earlier, but it’s now all askew and looks like a rat’s nest with leaves stuck in it.

“It’s definitely pretty humid out here tonight. You sure you’re okay?” Brent asks again in a kind voice that makes me want to melt into a puddle of goo.

I quickly start grabbing at leaves and branches, the entire bush shaking and swaying as I pluck whatever I can get my hands on just to try and prove that I was, in fact, out here pruning my hydrangeas at 10:00 at night.

“Yep! I’m super. Thanks for asking! You should probably go on inside now, since you have to get up early for work tomorrow.”

I hear Brent chuckle softly, and I can’t stop the low groan that comes out of my mouth, realizing I just completely screwed up any attempt to make him believe I was not actually listening to his conversation with Laura. I should probably pay attention to my mother more often when she says, “Liars never prosper.”

“Okay, well, I’ll leave you to your pruning. Have a good night, Heidi.”

My hands immediately stop their manic plucking of hydrangea leaves when I hear my name come out of his mouth again, all soft and sweet. I clamp my lips closed as tightly as possible while I listen to him walk away, so I don’t do anything else embarrassing like sigh loudly or giggle again.