Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(33)

“I don’t need you to tell me what to do.” I sigh.

“What’s his middle name?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do his parents do for a living?”

“I don’t know.”

“What kind of hobbies does he enjoy?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Goodness, Heidi! Do you know anything about him?”

“He works in construction. He’s really nice. And… um… he, uh, does thoughtful things like mow my lawn and bring my garbage cans back up to the side of my house and stuff. Oh! And he likes lemonade. I know that for a fact, because he always asks for seconds whenever I give him a glass.”

Aubrey and my mom just stare at me from across the table like I’m an idiot.

Am I an idiot? How am I supposed to know everything about Brent when I can’t even have a conversation with him about the weather without giggling like a preteen talking to the first boy she’s ever had a crush on?

“Oh, Heidi. This is just sad,” my mom says with a shake of her head.

Great. My mother, who tried to burn off my dad’s you-know-what is sitting here judging me.

“Actually, this could be good. This is the in you need,” Aubrey explains. “You just go over to his house after work today and tell him it’s time the two of you get to know each other.”

“Oh, okay,” I laugh sarcastically. “I’ll just march right over there and order him to take me out.”

“Exactly!” Aubrey says excitedly.

“I was kidding! I can’t do that. I’m not ready. I haven’t even gotten up the nerve to read anything word-for-word on my podcast yet! I said the words lady garden in my last one!”

My heart starts racing and my palms get sweaty as my mom pipes up.

“Lady garden is so 2009, Heidi. I’m with Aubrey. Just knock on his door and take charge!”

Before I can make anymore protests, my dad pops his head in through the doorway.

“Got the floorboard fixed. Jameson was no help. He had to leave halfway through to go record some namby-pamby lady book,” my dad mutters in annoyance.

“The correct term is erotic romance novel, Henry. Don’t make fun of those types of books that provided us with hours of entertainment this past weekend.”

My dad shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot in the doorway and lets out a low growl. “Fine. Whatever. Let’s go. I need to change my bandage.”

Before I can throw up all over the table, my mom gets up from her chair and pats me on the shoulder as she walks behind me.

“Don’t worry about his burned pee-pee,” she says in a loud whisper. “He’ll be fine in a few days. I’ll call you later to get all the details about your date with Brent.”

Once she’s gone and I can breathe again without the threat of my breakfast coming back up, Aubrey gives me a wide smile.

“I swear to God, if you ever write a scene about a burned you-know-what, I will never speak to you again.”

“I don’t know; that might be just the scene to pull you out of your comfort zone and read the actual words that are printed.” She laughs.

“This is not funny. None of this is funny.”

“You’re right. It’s not funny that you’re a grown woman who doesn’t even have the confidence to flirt with your next door neighbor.”

“I’m not good at flirting, okay? That doesn’t make me a bad person!”

“No, it doesn’t.” Aubrey reaches across the table and picks up one of the books. “But it’s limiting your enjoyment in life.” She flips to a particular page before sliding the book over to me. “Read that scene on tonight’s podcast. The heroine asks the hero for oral sex. It will help you get some much-needed confidence to ask Brent out after you’re finished recording.”

All I can do is sit here and blink at her with my mouth wide open.

“It’s fine! You only have to say pussy twice and you don’t even have to say moist, because I would never do that to my readers.”





Chapter 16





Heidi’s Discount Erotica, Episode 5


“Welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica, do-do-do! I’m just going to be honest with you guys, okay? I’m only recording this podcast right now, because I’m procrastinating in a big way. It’s not that I don’t love pouring my heart out and giving intimate details about my life to complete strangers. Okay, that sounded sarcastic. I promise I wasn’t being sarcastic! Talking to you guys really has been helping. Especially since I can’t see your faces and I can pretend like you’re not really there. But now, I have to put all this podcast/new job stuff to the test and see if it really has helped. Are you guys sitting down? You should probably be sitting down. You can’t see me right now, obviously, but I am coming to you from the floor of my living room. I might be in the fetal position. Who’s to say? I might have also snuck a tiny glass of wine. I know, I know! I promised to do sober podcasts from now on, but don’t worry. It’s just one glass to calm my nerves, nothing crazy. I won’t be drunk-texting anyone or making stupid decisions. I will, however, be asking my neighbor out on a date.

“Oh jeez! I think I might be hyperventilating. Or maybe it’s a heart attack. My left side is getting numb and I’m a little bit lightheaded. That could be because I’m curled up on the floor on my left side, and hardwood floors are super-uncomfortable to lie on, but whatever.