Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(32)

“Really? The wind?” I question, still flipping through the book in my hand. “There seems to be a lot of dog-eared pages in this one. You must have really liked… chapter thirteen, page 127. Let’s just see what you liked so much about this page that you had to fold down the corner of it.”

My mom quickly snatches the book out of my hand before I can read from the page. Thank God for small favors. Just a quick skim of that page and I saw several references to male and female parts and something about chocolate sauce.

“Oooh, yeah, chapter thirteen,” Aubrey muses. “I remember that one now. That was a good one. Jameson and I tested that one out to make sure it would work. You have to heat the chocolate sauce in fifteen-second intervals just to be on the safe side.”

“My… friend from church figured that out the hard way,” Mom says with a sad shake of her head.

“Really? Your friend? Which one?” Aubrey asks in amusement before giving me a quick glance. “You know all your mom’s friends, Heidi, right?”

“Just a friend. She’s new. Heidi doesn’t know her,” my mom quickly adds before I even have a chance to silently nod.

“Seriously, what’s her name? Maybe I should give her a call and explain the fifteen-second intervals thing to her for future reference. I mean, it is technically my fault I didn’t put the proper heating instructions in the book.”

“Oh, it’s fine! I’ll be sure to pass the information along,” my mom laughs uncomfortably as her cheeks start to redden.

I know. I know what’s going to happen next, but just like with a train wreck, you can’t help but inch a little closer and see what’s going on. I could put an end to Aubrey’s line of questioning, but a twisted part of me wants to hear my mother admit it. Wants to hear her say out loud that she really liked the books and no longer thinks they’re something dirty or something you should never talk about enjoying.

“She could be getting ready to give this thing one more try and she doesn’t even know the proper way to do it,” Aubrey states, picking her phone up from the table in front of her. “That sounds like an emergency room trip waiting to happen. We should just call her right now.”

“Okay, fine!” she shouts. “It wasn’t a friend; it was Heidi’s father and me. Chocolate sauce was on sale at the grocery store the other day, and you know I can’t pass up a good sale. It was buy one get one free. Anyhoo, Heidi’s father now has a blister on his pee-pee and he’s very sensitive about it, so don’t say anything to him.”

Aubrey doesn’t even bother to cover up her amusement at this point; she just throws her head back and lets the laughter fly. Me, on the other hand? I’m sitting here regretting every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life that has led me to this point. I just wanted my mom to admit she read the dirty parts and prove to her that these books aren’t the work of the devil that no one should ever talk about, not tell me about my father’s blistered pee-pee—a phrase I never thought I’d think about in my entire life, and one that will give me more nightmares than the memory of the two of them coming into EdenMedia like wrecking balls.

“Don’t give me that look, Heidi Marie Larson,” my mother admonishes. “These books have opened up my mind, especially now that I’ve met the author and she isn’t a pervert.”

“That’s what she thinks,” Aubrey whispers so only I can hear her, letting out a little snort of amusement at her own words.

I’m too busy being completely shocked about what just transpired in here to find amusement in what Aubrey said. When I was younger and something sexual, or even something closely resembling anything sexual, came on the television, my mother would put her hand over my eyes and start humming loudly until that part was over. I grew up being literally shielded from anything involving sex. And now here my mother is, talking so freely about my father and… chocolate sauce that I have the urge to cover my own eyes and start humming until she’s finished.

“Well, Heidi, you were looking for an opportunity to tell your mom about that other thing you’ve been doing,” Aubrey says through her laughter, giving me an exaggerated wink as she refers to my podcast. “I think this might be the opening you were looking for. Nothing says Heidi’s Discount Erotica like a blistered pee-pee.”

“Stop saying blistered pee-pee,” I mutter in annoyance, my stomach churning with the knowledge that I will never be able to look my dad in the eye again.

My mom is looking at me expectantly, Aubrey is just smiling at me like a loon, and I figure, what the heck? Things couldn’t possibly get any worse. Taking a deep breath, I blurt it out at once.

“I started recording a podcast, which is kind of like a radio talk show except it’s not live, where I just read the dirty parts of romance novels to help me stop being so awkward and shy and gain some confidence with… men.”

“And by men she means her sexy neighbor, Brent,” Aubrey adds, which earns her the dirtiest look I can muster.

“I thought you two were already dating?” my mother asks in confusion.

“No! He doesn’t even know I exist. Okay, fine. He knows I exist; he just doesn’t think of me in that way,” I mumble.

“I need to know more about this young man before I can tell you what to do and how to fix it,” she states.