Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(19)

If a stray cow was found walking along County Road 10, Sharleen can tell you how long it’s been walking, if it stopped to eat anything, what farmer it belongs to, which part of the farmer’s fence was missing a few boards, and the reason for the great cow escape.

“Is this where you’re working now? EdenMedia, huh? Your mom told me you got a new job in Eden Prairie, but she didn’t know the name of the company,” Sharleen says with a lopsided smile as she looks at the sign hanging on the building behind me. “My face feels funny. Do you hear bells? Margie, is there a bell ringing somewhere?”

My aunt pats Sharleen on the back and leans toward me, lowering her voice.

“Sharleen had a lot of laughing gas and it hasn’t worn off yet. I doubt she’ll even remember this conversation.” Aunt Margie gives me a wink.

Thank heaven for small favors.

“So, Sharleen, did you hear about—”

“EdenMedia, EdenMedia…” Sharleen mutters to herself, cutting me off, still staring at the company sign behind me. “Wait. I’ve heard of this company. They record books. They record… oh. Oh! Ooohhh!”

I actually see the lightbulb go on in her brain, and no amount of laughing gas will deter the woman at this point. This does not bode well for me.

“Heidi Larson! Does your mother know what they do here?”

She speaks in a loud stage whisper, bringing her hand up to the side of her face and shielding it, refusing to make eye contact with my place of employment now that she’s put two and two together.

I resent that she’s treating me like a child, but even more annoyed that everyone in town seems to know about EdenMedia but me.

“I mean, of course Peggy knows what they do here,” she continues, her hand still blocking her face from the EdenMedia sign, like it will jump down from above the door and rip off all her clothes if she even glances at it. “It’s not like you’d take a brand new job and not tell her all about it. It’s a very… interesting job. Margie, how do you feel about your niece working here?”

Sharleen looks over at my aunt, and the two of us share a smile, because we know exactly what’s going to happen next. Minnesotans are nice, to a fault. Even if they don’t agree with something, they will find the nicest way to state that. If they see a movie, absolutely hated it, and someone asks them what they thought of it, they will use such phrases as “It was… interesting” or “Well, it was… different.” Then, they wait and see what the asker of the question’s opinion is to know whether or not they can word-vomit how they really feel or if they need to continue being diplomatic. They do this so they don’t put their foot in their mouth by saying something that might not be a popular opinion and come back to bite them later on.

“I think it’s wonderful,” Aunt Margie states with a smile. “Heidi’s going to have so much fun working here, and that’s just what she needs.”

“Oh, yes! Working here will definitely be… different for her,” Sharleen says with a nod while I cover up a snort-giggle with a loud cough. “The books they record here are… interesting. I mean, I’ve never read one, of course, but I’ve heard they’re… unique.”

“You should take one out for a test drive, Sharleen. I bet Heidi has a few stashed in that purse of hers she could lend you,” Aunt Margie suggests with a wink in my direction.

I hug my purse tighter to my body as Sharleen stares at it with her droopy, Novocain-filled mouth partially open in shock.

“She’s just kidding!” I reassure Sharleen. “No books here. Nope. None whatsoever. It really is a great job. I’m just working as an administrative assistant at the front desk, so I don’t even know about those books she speaks of. I just sit at my desk with my head down and do my work. I don’t hear anything that goes on in the recording booths. No clue about anything but answering the phones and replying to emails. It’s actually pretty boring. Just your typical office job.”

Oh, jeez. I am the absolute worst. What happened to all that pride and excitement I had when I stepped out of my car just a little bit ago?

“Well, that’s nice. I’m sure this job will be good for you then. I bet you’ll learn a lot of valuable life lessons,” Sharleen says with a nod.

A car door slams in the parking lot and we all turn when we hear the sound of a man’s voice.

I can’t stop the smile that lights up my face when I see Jameson holding his cell phone to his ear as he walks in our direction with his head down. If anything will change Sharleen’s opinion of where I work and possibly put in a good word with my mom, it will be the fact that she can brag to everyone that she met a real-life movie star and it was all because of me.

“I already recorded that chapter yesterday,” Jameson speaks into his phone as he gets closer and closer to us. “Today is the anal sex chapter. I did a quick read-through of it over coffee this morning. I was pleasantly surprised to see the use of lube. And the missionary position. I’ve read way too many scenes where the butt stuff is done doggy-style and the guy just slams his dick right in there without any warning.”

Oh, hey there. Did someone mention valuable life lessons?

Jameson’s head lifts up when he steps onto the sidewalk a few feet away from us, and he gives me a small wave when he sees me before glancing at the women standing next to me.