Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(17)

It really is a blessing I’m no longer molding young minds.

As soon as I get into the safety of my house and close the door, I slump my back against it and let out a weary sigh.

“Why can’t I just be cool and light and flirty without looking and sounding like an idiot?” I mumble to myself, glancing over at my laptop and the podcast equipment still lying all over my kitchen table.

I don’t want to suck anymore.

As soon as that thought pops into my head, I giggle to myself, thinking about my podcast and Brent and the stack of books I’d snuck in my purse from the breakroom at Eden Media when no one was looking. I think about how Dave and Jameson told me I had a great voice after the sound check earlier. Their exact words were “enthusiastic” and “not a complete disaster.” And you know what? I’ll take it. At the end of the day, Jameson even tried to make me feel better by saying I was “spirited.”

I need to stop thinking that being called spirited and enthusiastic are insults. I like who I am for the most part. I don’t want to change into a completely different person. I just need to find a way to be spirited, enthusiastic, and courageous.

With a determined lift of my chin, I march over to my kitchen table, upend my purse, and watch all the books fall to the table in a shower of half-naked men and suggestive titles.

Once I start something, I refuse to quit. I started a podcast, and even though it was a mess, I’m not going to quit until I get it right.

Heidi’s Discount Erotica, here I come.





Chapter 8





Heidi’s Discount Erotica, Episode 2


“Hey, all you… three people who tuned in last time! Welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica Podcast, do-do-do!

“I don’t know why I sang that little jingle. I have a vague recollection of doing that in my first podcast, so I’m just gonna go with it. Heidi’s Discount Erotica now has a jingle, yay!

“First of all, I’d like to apologize for my initial podcast. I’m pretty sure you’ve guessed I don’t exactly have experience in this sort of thing. Shout-out to Anonymous for telling me I suck. I did. I do. I can be woman enough to accept that. But please refrain from telling me to eat farts, because that’s just hurtful. Now, I know I need to make some changes so I can finally figure out what makes me happy in life. The first change I’ll be making is doing whatever I can to prove Anonymous wrong. I’m not gonna suck anymore! This podcast is going to be the non-suckiest podcast out of all of them!

“Heh, heh, heh, sorry! I said… suck a lot, didn’t I? It would be funnier if you could see all of the books I’ve got spread out on my kitchen table right next to me. I should take a poll. How many times do you think that word is said in one of these books, not referring to a sweet, delicious lollipop? I’m just gonna flip through one of these and stop on a random page to… oh… oh my. That’s…. There’s… there’s a…. You guys! Oh jeez. There’s a lollipop scene. I can’t… huh. That’s very… inventive. I didn’t know you could put that… there… and then…. Holy jeez.

“Okay, we’ll just put that one aside for now. I was going to give my second apology in regards to my heavy consumption of boxed wine in the last podcast, but what’s the point? It’s quite clear I’m going to need to be a little tipsy to get over this initial hump. I can’t very well continue standing in my yard silently screaming for my neighbor to kiss me and being too afraid to do anything about it. And just so you know, when I say ‘neighbor,’ I could be talking about anyone. It doesn’t have to be the one who lives right next to me. It could very well be someone across the street. Or two blocks down. It could be anyone, really. Just because the one who lives right next to me has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, a voice that makes me feel all warm and gooey, and smells like sunshine and soapy man doesn’t mean I’m talking about him.

“Now that we’ve gotten that cleared up, I don’t really have much else to say in this episode. If you decided to tune in again after the last one, thank you. I promise this will get better.

“Tomorrow at work, I get to hang out with famous people. I can’t tell you who they are right now, but I can tell you that I might be getting some much-needed advice from them. And since they’re both kind of experts at the whole ‘doing something scary because you know it will be good for you’ thing, I have a great feeling about this. I’m actually excited to go into work tomorrow! And to tell you guys all about it!

“In the meantime, if you have any advice for me, I’ll take it! Have you ever tried to break out of the mold you’ve been in since you were born? Have you spent your entire life making everyone around you happy, and you realized in all that time, you forgot about making yourself happy? This is my conundrum, folks. This is why I hope you’ll stick with me. I don’t know what I’m doing, and this journey will probably involve a lot of wine and stumbles along the way, but it’s happening. I’m taking the leap. I’m doing something scary and crazy, because even though it’s scary and crazy, it’s also pretty darn exciting. I’m doing what I want for a change and not worrying about anyone else.

“But, um, if you happen to know my mother, please, don’t tell her about this. It will be our little secret. And it’s not because I’m already going back on my word and worrying about someone else. Seriously, I fear for my own life if my mother catches wind of this. And I’m just starting to live my life. I don’t want to die before I get to explore… you know… the many uses of… lollipops… with my neighbor. Who could be anyone that lives anywhere on this street.