Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(14)

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

Dave fiddles with a few of the buttons on the board without looking up at me.

“Bethany is late, as usual. That woman is a pain in my ass, but don’t tell her I said that, since she’s one of the most popular female narrators out there right now. She’s supposed to be narrating the chapters from the woman’s point of view in this book, and before I can get Jameson started, I need to set the sound levels. Just go on in there and read a few lines of whatever you want from the iPad,” Dave says with a wave of his hand.

Not wanting to cause any more problems than I already have this morning by putting my foot in my mouth with Jameson, I move the rest of the way into the recording booth and try not to throw up when Jameson hands me an extra pair of headphones with a smile.

A flash of a memory from last night hits me, and I start to recall something about reading one of my books out loud for some reason, but I quickly push it out of my mind as I take the headphones from Jameson.

Sliding them on my head and over my ears as I get closer to him, I glance at the iPad lying on the stand in front of us. It’s already pulled up to the first chapter and I calm down a little, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths. There’s no way the very first chapter will start with anything even remotely crazy or dirty. I would assume there should be some sort of build-up to an… intimate moment, right? Like a nice dinner or a dancing scene. This shouldn’t be too bad.

“Whenever you’re ready, Heidi.”

Dave’s voice echoes through my headphones, and I take another calming breath before opening my eyes, and giving Jameson a nervous smile.

“You’ll do fine. Just pretend you’re by yourself and no one else is listening. That’s what I usually do. It makes things a little easier,” Jameson advises.

I give him a nod, turn my head to look at the iPad, and just go for it.

“‘He looks down at me with fire in his eyes, and before I can even take my next breath, his body slams against mine, filling… filling…’ Uh, filling my glass with some nice, cold, refreshing water. Oh, this water is so cold and delicious. I’ll just drink it and go home,” I adlib, refusing to read the rest of that sentence when, contrary to what Jameson said, I absolutely cannot pretend like no one else is listening.

Where’s the dinner? Where’s the dancing? Where’s the freaking romance? They’re just gonna get right down to it in chapter one?

I hear Dave laugh through my headphones, but I continue staring down at the iPad, refusing to glance over at Jameson, knowing he’s looking over my shoulder at the words I couldn’t bring myself to say.

Who knew there were so many words to describe female body parts? And why do they have to be so… wet? That sounds like a medical condition the poor character should get checked out.

“Well, that was… interesting. I got what I needed though,” Dave says.

I quickly remove the headphones and set them down on the stand next to the iPad.

“That was awful. I can’t believe I did that,” I mutter.

“It wasn’t that bad. It was very… enthusiastic,” Jameson states, biting down on his bottom lip to keep himself from laughing.

“I don’t know how you do this. Reading books like this out loud. Or how your wife writes them, for that matter. I’m sorry. That was me being rude. Again. I should ask your wife for some tips.” I laugh. “At least you’re famous and people would pay good money to listen to whatever book you’d read. I don’t even think people would pay twenty-five cents to listen to me. Heidi’s Discount Erotica, you get whatcha pay for!”

Before Jameson can reply, Dave sticks his head into the recording booth.

“Seriously, that wasn’t a complete disaster, aside from you not actually reading what was written,” Dave teases. “It was much better than that podcast of yours I stumbled upon this morning when I googled you just for the hell of it and found your blog. You need more practice with that, although the whole butter thing was hilarious. Don’t read anymore of those Amish books. You’ll never get your shirtless neighbor to fall in love with you reading those things. Take home some of the extra books that are lying around the break room and practice reading those. Next time I need you to test mic levels, maybe you won’t turn that alarming shade of red.”

With that, Dave pulls his head out of the room and goes back to sit behind his desk as memories of what I may or may not have done with all that podcast equipment last night come crashing back into my hungover brain.

No, no, no. Please tell me I did not drunk record a podcast and actually put it on the internet!

“So, tell me about this podcast Dave speaks of. Particularly the part about the shirtless neighbor,” Jameson says with a wag of his eyebrows.

Forget about my ears still being on fire after listening to Steve record that book yesterday, or Brent knowing I had a dirty book in my possession, or embarrassing myself by poking fun at Jameson’s wife’s books. My face is so hot right now you could cook an egg on it.

“Dave doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure he drinks at work. Heavily. He might need a twelve-step program.”

Oh jeez. I’m gonna get fired. I don’t even want this job, but I definitely don’t want to get fired. Again.

“If you tell me, then when my wife comes to visit tomorrow, I’ll have her explain to you how she got over her fears of writing sex scenes. You kind of remind me of Aubrey when I first met her. She’s crazy adorable and was so shy when we first met she practically whispered everything she said to me. Now, she throws out words like pulsing cock in the middle of dinner.” He laughs. “She’s also dubbed herself the queen of matchmaking. I’m sure she’d jump at the chance to help you out with your neighbor.”