Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(23)

Easy-peasy my patootie.

“Looks like I’ll be stopping by the store on my way home for some more boxed wine.” I sigh.





Chapter 11





Heidi’s Discount Erotica, Episode 3


“Okay. Woooo, what am I doing? Okay. All right. I’m just gonna start. Start by starting. Set down the wine; I’ve had enough. Maybe one more sip. Okay, now I’ve had enough. I need a cracker. Hold on. I’m gonna hit pause.”

*

*

*

“I’m back! Why does wine make me so hungry? It’s made from grapes. So, I’ve basically had like… seventeen pounds of grapes. I shouldn’t be hungry. Anyway, welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica, do-do-do! Tonight, I’m gonna be reading some hot excerpts for you, kind of like the way you might go bungee jumping off Minnehaha Falls—by closing your eyes and just jumping right over the cliff, weeeeeeeee! Or maybe kayaking. Kayaking can be scary, right? I mean, what if your kayak tips over and your legs are stuck in the boat and you can’t get out while you’re just floating down the river and everyone thinks it’s just an empty kayak that got loose, when there’s really a person under there trying not to drown and no one can hear you scream, because you’re under water? Oh, God, I’m having heart palpitations now. Sorry. I need another sip of wine. Okay, that’s better.

“Where was I? Oh! Hot excerpts. Yes. So, these were given to me by a friend at work today. I haven’t even looked at them yet. She printed them off and then shoved them in my purse. She said it’s my homework, along with a text I have to send, but we’ll get into that later. I have homework! I feel like one of my students, so this is very exciting. Except the homework my students had was more like coloring a picture of a dog. This is more like one of those adult coloring books with all the swear words in it. You know, without the coloring. So, basically, it’s just swear words. But hot swear words.

“Okay. Excerpt… One.

“Was that good? Like, kind of breathy? I feel like these should be read all sexy and breathy. Is breathy a word? I’m pretty sure it is. It’s a weird word. B-r-r-r-eathy.

“Okay, here we go…

“‘In all the years I thought about kissing him again, I pictured it exactly like it was in high school. Clashing teeth, sloppy tongues, and wiping the drool…’ Drool? Eeew. That’s gross. I’m sorry. Okay, let’s try this again. ‘…and wiping the drool away from our chins when it was over. This kiss is nothing like that. His lips are firm, and his tongue moves boldly as it swirls around… my…’ I’m sorry! I shouldn’t be laughing, but come on! His tongue moves boldly? Like, all I can think about is a tongue in a Superman outfit! His tongue moves boldly where no man has gone before!

“Okay, okay, okay! It’s serious now. Time to get serious. Tongues do not wear capes. This is serious and hot. We’re very serious and very sexy. Hold on, I need my spray bottle. Fun fact for you guys. I saw a narrator today at work with a spray bottle filled with water on his stand, and I was so confused. My dad had a spray bottle he carried around the house with him at all times, because Boots, the cat we had when I was growing up, liked to jump up on the kitchen counter and the dining room table. Whenever he’d see Boots sitting somewhere he shouldn’t be, my dad sprayed him with the water bottle. I thought maybe we had a cat at work no one told me about. But no. We just have narrators who get dry mouth from all that reading, so they spray water into their mouths.”

Sprays water

“Don’t wanna get gross dry mouth. Especially since I have gross wine mouth already.

“Okay, we’re gonna try this again. Think sexy thoughts, don’t laugh, think sexy thoughts, don’t laugh…

“‘He tastes like peppermint and beer…’ That’s an odd combination. Wouldn’t the peppermint overpower the beer? That’s like drinking a glass of orange juice after you brush your teeth. That can’t taste good during a kiss. The last guy I kissed tasted like eucalyptus, because he had chapped lips and used medicated chapstick. I couldn’t feel my lips or my tongue for an hour after he dropped me off.

“Where was I? Oh, yes. ‘He tastes like peppermint and beer as he gently… sucks… my tongue into his mouth. His hips… press harder against me and I slide one of my legs around the back of his thigh, until I can feel his… his…’ Oh, God. ‘…his… erectio-nrubbing-against-the-thin-material-of-my-shorts-between-my-legs.’

“Good Lord. Whew!

“‘His tongue begins to move through my mouth, in tune with the motion of his hips against me. Push. Push. Push…’”

“I know, I know! I’m laughing. Why is this so funny? It’s not funny. It’s serious. We’re very serious. This couple is dry humping in public. That’s serious business. Anyone could walk in on them. How do these narrators read this? You guys! How do they read this?

“All right. Hold please.”

Sprays water

“Calm down. Think about the neighbor, think about the neighbor…

“‘He pushes his tongue deeper, and slowly grinds himself between my thighs.’ Wow, okay. That’s nice. ‘He takes his time exploring my mouth, and with each jerk of his hips against me, I can feel myself getting… wetter, and… wetter. The throbbing in my… my…’ Rhymes with flit. ‘…growing stronger each time the rough denim of his jeans rubs against my bare thighs and his tongue circles mine.’