Don't Let Me Fall(80)

Jon gripped my hip as he pulled back to stare at me.

“I know you’ve liked me, Jon,” I said dropping my eyes. “And I’m sorry for running out on you the way I did in the summer. But that won’t happen now.” I licked my lips and

caught his eye. “I won’t run.”

We stared at each other. Jon trying to see if I’m f-ucking with him. I’m not. I want to get out of here. I want to forget about Logan.

“Don’t run.”

I nodded.

The look in his eyes is almost sad. It’s like he’s thinking about that day and trying to understand why I ran. Why I freaked. It’s because his fingers reminded me of Alice. The

way she touched me was the only thing I saw when he did it. I’m past it now. Logan has been touching me and I never freaked. He helped there.

I leaned into Jon and pressed my lips against his. His hands wrapped around me and pulled me into his hard body.

I want to forget…everything. And just be me.

It hurts feeling.

I never want to open up because of this.

I’m just…here.

This is me.

We weaved our way through the bodies and headed outside. A taxi picked us up and we headed to the nearest hotel. There is no way I’m going home or we’re going back to his parents

’ place. I don’t care if his part of the house is away from everyone else. I want to be alone in a room where no one will come in.

***

“I didn’t purposely reject you. I just didn’t want to go to prom,” I said glancing at Jon. The sunlight is keeping the room bright so I have to squint a few times when I look

his way. And Jon does look nice with the sun hitting his bare skin.

Too bad we didn’t do anything…

“Who doesn’t want to go to prom?” Jon asked furrowing his brows. “Girls literally cry when they don’t have someone to go with.”

“I stayed home and watched TV with Kelsey and Matty because the divorce was getting worse,” I said, shrugging. “I didn’t want to be around people.” Jon’s eyes held mine and I

knew he’d say something about my sob story so I glanced away and played with the sheets. “Jacky was in college and she had Remy so she didn’t see how bad things got.”

“Do you want a prom?”

“I stopped wanting things a long time ago.”

“Becka.” Jon grabbed my chin and turned my head toward him. “People would do anything for you. Is it so hard to believe that you’re special?” Yes, it is.

“People lie to me, use me and hate me. What’s special about that?” I asked. “I don’t ask for things because if someone asks for something from me, I will disappoint them. I

always do.” I sank into the bed and sighed. “My life sucks but there are people who have it worse than me. Might as well I suck it up and just deal with it.”

“Start wanting things, Becka,” Jon said touching my arm softly. “Sometimes the best way to live is to want something.”

I turned on my side and stared at him.

“I’ve wanted one thing my whole life.”

“What is it?”

For someone to hold me. Want me. Never let me fall. I just want to be someone’s other half. I want someone to wake up in the morning and think of me. Not thinking I’ll end up

offing myself. To think of a way to get me to smile.

That’s the girliest shit I’ve ever thought in my life.

“I always wanted someone to want me.”

“That’s what everyone wants,” Jon said pulling me into him, chest to chest, not leaving any space to breathe. “But you’re a pain in the ass. You make it hard for people to

stay.”

“I know,” I said chewing on my lip. “I can’t help it.”

Jon started tickling my side as he pulled away. “Don’t push people out. Let them in. It’s Christmas, Becka. Give everyone what they want.” He held my eyes for a bit then said,

“Give them a Becka who wants to live.”

“It’s my birthday too,” I said. “Are we just going to stay in bed and do nothing?” I’m changing the subject because I need to. I can’t give people what they want when I don’

t even know what I want. I do want to live but I don’t know how I want to live. Will I be the Becka that lets people in or will I be the Becka who shuts people out and doesn’t

care about things so she doesn’t get hurt?

I don’t know.

I’m scared to find out.

***

Destroying your room, breaking up with your boyfriend, screaming secrets out to your family and turning your phone off while you’re alone with someone–who’s not the boyfriend you

just dumped–in a hotel room is not a good idea. It felt good at the time but then it hits you and you hate yourself.

I was out of control.

And my family stayed up all night looking for me.

That’s what hit me the hardest.

Kelsey came home not knowing what the hell happened and then she was dragged into my mess. I ruined their Christmas. I ruined my birthday.

I’m sitting on the couch with my family across from me, giving me the death glares. I can’t blame them. I lost it.