Don't Let Me Fall(32)

the point that I can’t jump out of bed. I looked around and I’m in his dorm. In his bed. With him right beside me.

“I have no idea what is going on with you but you f-ucking scared me a few hours ago,” Logan said with a serious face. “I was talking to you but you didn’t hear a word I said. I

didn’t know what to do. I debated tying you up to the bed but that seemed wrong so I just got in with you. I didn’t know if you’d leave and do something.”

Like kill myself.

My eyes dropped to his chest and closed altogether. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be alive. I’m just done with everything.

“What time is it?” I whispered.

“Five something,” Logan said rubbing my arm up and down softly. “You were kicking in your sleep but I thought it’d be f*cked up if I woke you up.”

“Did I say anything?” I asked softly.

“No but you did scream or groan. I’m not sure which.”

I let my body go limp as I tried to think of something to do. I should go home. I should tell Dad it’s happening again. Maybe I should go to the mental hospital and be put on

drugs.

I didn’t go home last night so…

f-uck. Last night. Logan.

“I have to go,” I said, trying to sit up but Logan held me down.

“I can drive you anywhere,” he said.

I opened my eyes and looked at him.

“Please don’t feel pressured into watching me,” I said. “You really don’t have to. I just need to get out of here.”

“Rebeckah, I don’t have to. I want to.”

“You just feel sorry for me. I’m sorry to disappoint but that’s all I’m good at.”

“Hey.” He caressed my cheek as he stared into my eyes like he was trying to get into my soul. “If you’re talking about last night then don’t worry about it. Shit happens.”

“You know I’m f*cked up. Any sane person sees it.”

“You’re not f*cked up.” I raised an eyebrow. What else would someone call it then? High on life? f-ucking shitting rainbows? I don’t f-ucking know, I’m making shit up to see if

anything works. “Okay, you’re a little bit f*cked up.” That’s it. “But so is everyone else.”

“Normal people don’t think of ways to off themselves as many times as I do,” I said. Shit. That wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. I found Logan staring at me again.

“Can you tell me what happened last night?” he asked. It wasn’t in a what-the-f-uck-is-wrong-with-you kind of way. It was in a I-really-want-to-know-because-I-was-f-ucking-

worried-shitless way. And that really got to me.

“The truth?” I asked. This guy knows more about me than anyone here at this school. He knows the main shit going on with me. He knows I want to commit suicide. On a regular basis.

“Yeah.” His eyes took in my face and I wanted to disappear.

“You won’t talk to me afterwards,” I said softly. “I’ll just be another notch on your headboard.” That’s exactly what I am to other guys. To Keller–Kevin. But I didn’t know

his name. I wouldn’t care if he didn’t talk to me afterwards. I know Logan. I see him every day. And having sex would change things. It’ll be awkward. “And I know your name.”

“I really don’t understand that,” he said, brows furrowing.

“I know too much about you for it to be a one time thing.” Well, I don’t know that much but I know more than I do about my other hook-ups.

Logan propped himself up on his elbow. “Then it doesn’t have to be a one time thing.”

Ohmygod.

“No,” I said. “We are not going there. I am–”

“I’ve been all in since the first day I met you. Even when you kneed me in the balls. Why can’t we give it a shot?” he asked, dead serious. I thought he hated me… I was fooled!

“Logan,” I deadpanned. “I’m f-ucking suicidal.”

We stared at each other for awhile. I can’t believe I said that out loud. And to someone other than my own family.

“Not to sound like a prick or anything but I think I can help you with that,” he said. “Look at yesterday.” True. And this morning. I didn’t lash out or do anything. I think he

’s good for me. He’s helping me. But what if I take more than he gives? I’ll ruin his life. He’ll hate me.

“You really want to do this?” I asked. “Don’t do it because you want to save me. Do it because you want to.”

Logan smiled and it reached his eyes. Those are always the truest smiles. You can’t fake those. “I want to do this.”

“You know I’m crazy,” I said, staring at the bed.

“Just a little bit,” he said leaning into me.

I buried my face into his chest and said, “Morning breath.”

“Oh, f-uck me. I don’t care,” he said tilting my chin up and pressing his lips against mine.

“Did you just say f-uck me?” I asked pulling back. “Because we may just be starting this thing out but we do have something pending from last night.”