Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(94)

He nodded before his head was resting on my stomach, his ear pressing against my t-shirt.

“I promise I won’t fuck this up, I promise I will be the best father I can to you,” he choked out, talking to our jellybean. “I missed out the first time, I’m not going to miss a second this time round.”

I sniffled, my hands moving to his shoulders as I dug my fingers a little into his skin as I pushed him away.

“Go to sleep,” I whispered. He sat back into the sofa, his head tipping back as he looked at the ceiling.

“Kiss me,” he whispered as I began to walk away. I stilled, turning to look at him. He didn’t face me, just continued to look above him. I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to walk over to him and climb into his lap, link my hands around the back of his neck before running my fingers through his luscious brown locks and tug his hair as our lips connected, our tongues moving together… I couldn’t. Because I knew once I started and once, I got another taste of him, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

“Goodnight, Killian,” it took everything in me to walk away.

He didn’t respond, with a curt nod to myself I slipped back into my bedroom and closed the door.





I heard Connie’s voice coming from the living room, groaning I rolled over to look at the time.

Eight am.

I sighed as I rolled on my back. My eyes felt like they were full of grit, they were dry and sore. Once I got back into bed last night I just couldn’t settle. All the unspoken words spun in my head, all the different scenarios that played out kept me awake for what felt like hours. I was continuously fighting with myself. Should I have just kissed him? Should we give this a go for our own happiness, but more importantly for the happiness of our child?

Grabbing the pillow beside me, I pulled it over my face and held it there while I screamed into it.

It shouldn’t be this complicated, it shouldn’t be this hard but yet it is. I don’t know what to do, I can’t differentiate right from wrong, and it was frustrating as hell.

Tossing the pillow to the side, I threw back the duvet and headed to the bathroom. Killian was obviously still out there, otherwise I am sure Connie would be back in bed with her coffee. Padding to the small en-suite that was in my bedroom, I slammed the door.

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror, my dark, puffy eyes were the first thing I noticed. I felt exhausted. Ever since Killian Hayes had been in my life, I didn’t feel like I had slept properly.

Splashing my face with cold water and brushing my teeth I inhaled deeply as I walked towards the lounge. Pulling the bedroom door open, I saw Killian and Connie in hushed chatter that soon dwindled to nothing as they both turned to face me. Connie’s menacing smile crept on her face, while Killian’s blazing, brown eyes roamed up and down my body. I blushed under his gaze, but soon brushed it off as I quickly stepped towards the kettle.

“Morning,” I smiled but not looking at either of them as I flicked the switch, the low rumbling of the boiling kettle filling the deafly silence.

“What are you doing today?” Killian asked, snapping me from my trance.

“Oh,” I smiled, turning to face them both, my fingers curling round the edge of the worktop. “Not a lot really. I have to call my parents, then I might take a walk…” I shrugged.

“Sounds exciting,” I could hear the sarcasm dripping from Connie’s tone.

I laughed, spinning back around and making myself a cup of tea.

“What about you two?” I asked, bringing the cup to my lips as I blew softly on the steaming brew.

“I have work and then I am out with Tryst, date night,” she wiggled her brows up and down, the realisation slapping her hard in the face when she remembered her dad was standing there.

I snorted a laugh but quickly composed myself as I took a mouthful of my tea. Killian let out a low rumble of a groan beside her, shaking his head side to side.

“And you?” I asked him, trying not to spend too long staring at his handsome face.

“Not a lot,” he sighed, “I was wondering if you would like to go out for lunch with me?”

He moved from foot to foot before fisting his hands into his pocket. He was nervous. I see Connie’s lips pull into a smile as she watched her dad, then averted her gaze to me. I felt the butterflies swarm my stomach, my heart pumping fast in my chest as I kept my eyes pinned to Killian.

He was waiting with bated breath for my answer. I was trying to think of a million and one reasons why I couldn’t go, but in the end, I let out a happy sigh and nodded, “That sounds lovely.”





CHAPTER 41





THREE MONTHS LATER


I rushed around the apartment as I grabbed my bag and light weight jacket. Spring was blooming and it felt nice to have the warm sun on my skin. I smiled as I looked down to my small bump, my hand resting on it as I felt the baby kick softly against my hand. Today was our twenty-week scan, even though I was a little over twenty weeks, Killian schedule kept clashing with mine so it took a while for us to pin a date for the both of us to attend. I was excited but nervous. I couldn’t wait to see my little jellybean again and see how they were growing. Stepping outside the apartment, I locked the door behind me and waited in the hallway for Killian. After his drunken sleepover, we went for lunch to discuss how we were going to move forward. He tried to explain why he hadn’t shown up for the annulment, but I stopped him. I didn’t want to know. We were trying to move on from then and us going over it and trying to hash it out just seemed pointless; by doing that we would just be re-opening wounds. We agreed to stay friends for the time being. I cared a lot for him, and I couldn’t just switch off the new feelings that consumed me. But I had to try. I couldn’t get hurt by him. I had a lot more at stake now. He promised me the world and more, but I told him we had to take it slow. See how things progress.