Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(89)

He never even wanted me.

He liked the idea.

The taboo and forbidden of our relationship.

You always want what you can’t have. And now he can have me, he doesn’t want me.

That was okay, I will get over him in time. I will never beg him to be in my child’s life, that’s down to him if he wants to be part of it or not.

I will never beg anyone to be in their life.

Padding out to the lounge, I fell onto the sofa and switched the television on. I needed some background noise. Normally the quietness of this apartment I found comforting, where now I just found it too loud. All I could hear were my own thoughts, how I could have changed the outcome of this situation, but the truth was. I couldn’t.

Connie was always going to find out and react the way she did. Even if we sat her down and told her face to face, she still would have reacted that way.

Me and Killian were never going to work. We were wrong for each other; we should have never met. We are both on completely different paths in life and yet, for some reason the universe thought it would be funny to force us with each other like it was some sort of sick joke for its own, selfish gain.

The hours slipped by, and I hadn’t moved from the sofa. I eventually pulled myself up when I realised I had to eat. I didn’t want to eat, but it wasn’t about me anymore. It was about my little jellybean. My hand moved to my flat stomach, my heart thumping in my chest as I felt a warm buzz course through me. I loved this little one so much and I hadn’t even met them yet.

Standing, I walked over to the fridge and pulled it open. It was empty.

My stomach grumbled.

Sighing, I slammed it shut and headed for the front door. Grabbing my coat, I wrapped it round me then went to grab my scarf only to find it missing. I groaned, dropping my head back as I looked at the ceiling.

“For fuck’s sake.”

Inhaling deeply, I blew the air out past my lips, my cheeks puffing. I was grateful it wasn’t snowing anymore, we now just had grey, miserable skies. A bit like my mood. The air was still on the chilly side, but I was only running to the corner shop. My coat would be enough for now. My scarf has got to be here somewhere, I’ll turn the apartment upside down when I get home.

Grabbing my keys off the hook, I shut the door behind me and headed for the lift. The fresh air would do me good, I told myself. I needed to get out that apartment for a bit anyway. It was just a constant reminder of everything that had gone wrong in my life since I had been here.

Breathing the air deep into my lungs, I held my breath before exhaling. I managed to duck past Frank without him seeing me. I didn’t want to be stopped by him and be asked about Killian. It was bad enough that I was carrying a constant reminder around with me.

I would be at the shop in about five minutes, or in five blocks as Connie would say. A weak smile crept on my face before I stopped it. I didn’t want to think about either of them at the minute. I wanted a clear head, I wanted to think about anything other than them.

Pushing through the door of the shop, I walked aimlessly up and down the aisles. I had a few looks off fellow shoppers, but I was hardly surprised. I was wearing five-day old tracksuit bottoms, crocs and a beige trench coat. And I don’t even want to think about my hair. It was so greasy; I was worried if I took it out of its messy bun it would stay in the same style.

I was gross. Turning my nose up in disgust, I needed to shower.

I picked up the pace and threw all sorts into my basket. I didn’t even know what I fancied, but at least if I had the essentials, I could make something.

I paid the cashier and walked with my brown paper bags back towards my apartment. My mind was elsewhere when I got a whiff of a strong lavender and sage scent. Turning my head down a small alley, the sound of wind chimes pulled me down there. I walked cautiously, following the sound until I came to a small shop between two buildings. It was tiny. I looked at the beads hanging across the door, the wind chimes hung in the corner of the doorframe. I smiled. Stepping into the shop, I saw an older lady sitting at a round table. There was a doily tablecloth hanging over the round edges. My eyes scanned the room, there were crochet rainbows pinned to the walls, tarot cards and beautiful dream catchers. I heard the gasp leave my lips before I looked at the woman. She had a lilac bandana cloth wrapped round her head with small, gold coins hanging from each of the tassels. Her caramel skin was glowing as she flicked through a stack of cards. Her shoulders were covered in a pink, satin shawl that seemed to cover a beautiful white dress. She reminded me of Esmerelda from The Hunch Back Of Notre Dame.

She was beautiful.

“Can I help you child?” she asked, her crystal blue eyes finding mine and I swear I felt our souls connect in some spiritual way.

“Erm, no, no…” I smiled, pulling away as I stepped back, “I smelt your incense and heard your wind chimes and before I knew it, I was standing here.” I admitted. I must’ve sounded crazy.

“Then somebody wants you here,” she said softly, smiling as she gestured for me to sit down.

“Oh, no, really… I should get going… I have no cash on me,” I said with a grimace, my cheeks flushing a crimson as I thumbed behind me. I did have some notes, but not a lot.

“Sit down,” her voice was still kind but had a little more sternness to it now.

“Okay,” I whispered, placing my bags down beside me and sitting in the old, rickety chair.