Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(93)



Rubbing my hand over my lips I contemplated what to do. If I ignored him, he would continue banging on the door.

“Reeeeeese,” he called, “stop being a brat and let me in.”

I scoffed a laugh as I shook my head from side to side. My hand hovered over the handle. I could just ignore him, leaving him out there and he would soon get bored. Or I let him in and hear him out.

Thud, thud, thud.

I pulled the door open until the safety catch wouldn’t let me do it anymore.

“What do you want?” I hissed.

“I want you to let me in,” he slurred, his hands grabbing onto the doorframe to steady himself. He was drunk. Great.

“And what if I don’t?” I challenged him.

“Then I’ll keep knocking,” he smirked as he leaned closer, trying to press his head through the gap in the door. “And when you still don’t answer, then I’ll sleep on the floor out here and knock again.”

“Why would you do that when you live just above me?”

“Because I want to see you…” he stuck his bottom lip out and tried giving me his best puppy dog eyes as he leant into the door. And damn it, it worked.

I sighed, slipping the chain across and swung the door open then watched Killian fall through and onto the floor.

“Oops,” I giggled, closing the door behind him and locking it. I stepped over him and flicked the kettle on. I’ll make him a coffee and hopefully he can sober up a little. Then he can sleep and be gone before Connie wakes up.

Once the coffee pot had warmed, I poured him a cupful. Turning to see Killian standing by the large window, his head pressed against the glass.

My heart ached, I hated him being here and not being able to kiss him like I wanted to.

“Hey,” my voice was soft as I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned slowly, a little off balance as he spun. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin grey looking as his empty, hollow eyes struggled to focus on mine.

“Here, take this…” I pushed the cup into his hand and walked him over to the sofa, helping him sit down.

“Thanks,” he muttered, his eyes looking forward and his legs parted as his elbows rested on them.

I stayed standing, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I looked around my room, noticing the door to my bedroom wide open. Walking over, I quietly and gently pulled the door to. I didn’t want Connie to wake up. I didn’t want there to be any issues, not that I thought there would be, but I needed to sort things out with Killian by myself. I didn’t want Connie being involved and swaying our conversation in any way.

This wasn’t going to work between me and Killian. We were too different; he was nearly twenty years older than me… he was my boss and he was my best friend’s dad. We could be amicable for our baby’s sake, but that was it. He could be in our child’s life as little or as much as he wanted. I would never force him.

Padding back over to where he was sitting, I knotted my fingers together. I wish I had more suitable pyjamas on. I tugged my oversized tee down, trying to cover my little short-shorts.

The tension crackled between us, the air was thick with the unspoken words we both wanted to say but were too scared to mutter.

“I should get to bed…” I thumbed towards my bedroom door; my voice was low as I looked over my shoulder.

“Don’t,” he whispered, but he didn’t pull his eyes from the wall. I looked to where he was staring, his eyes were fixed to Elijah.

I hugged myself as I stood meters away from him.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Say something, I begged silently.

I watched as he took a mouthful of his coffee, then let his head fall forward, his shoulders sagging.

He looked broken.

I stepped towards him, standing closer to him now as I looked down at him. He didn’t lift his head to look at me, just leaned towards me and wrapped his arms around my hips and bum and held onto me, not letting me go. I don’t know how long we stayed like this for, but it felt like hours, when in reality, it was probably only minutes.

“I’m sorry Reese,” he whispered, eventually lifting his head up to me. His red rimmed eyes locked with mine causing the breath to escape me, the air being knocked out of my lungs. I could see the pain he was feeling, the flash of fear that flickered in his deep, brown eyes made my soul ache and my heart shatter.

I could feel the remorse seeping from him, he was waiting for his redemption, but the truth was I don’t think I was ready to forgive him fully.

Was I being petty and over the top? Maybe.

But I have been hurt before, I needed to guard my heart. If we were meant to be together, then we would.

“I know,” I whispered back, my own eyes brimming with tears, but I wasn’t sure why I was getting upset. I felt such a rush of mixed emotions consume me instantly. Grief, anger, sadness, emptiness, fullness, love, unwantedness and loneliness… all at the same time. I couldn’t pinpoint one emotion that was stronger than the other.

I was in the wake of destruction, and Killian was the final obstacle to send me into a catastrophic disaster.

“Forgive me?” he asked. He looked so vulnerable and small as he clung onto my body as if a fear consumed him that when he let me go, he would lose me forever.

“Let’s talk about it tomorrow.” My voice was almost non-existent as the lump in my throat crept up and lodged itself where I didn’t want it.

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