Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(87)

“Hey,” I said quietly, running my hand round the back of my head and giving it a gentle rub.

“Go away.” I heard the irritation in her voice at just my presence.

“Connie… I –”

“I don’t want to hear it, Killian, I don’t want to hear your lame excuses.”

She fucking Killian’d me.

“It’s dad,” I coughed, clearing my throat as I took another cautious step towards her.

“No,” she shook her head, “no it’s not. You lost that title when you fucked my best friend and got her pregnant.” She scowled, her tongue sharp and laced with a poisonous venom. I could feel the hate spilling out of her.

“And I’m sorry Connie, if I would have known—”

“Yeah yeah, you wouldn’t have slept with her blah, blah, blah.” She rolled her eyes as she picked her phone up again and scrolled her finger up the screen.

“Can you just hear me out?” My voice was more of a plea now, rubbing my hand against my stubble.

“You can talk, I won’t listen… so if that’s how you want to waste your breath today then please do,” her condescending tone was starting to piss me off.

I clenched my fist at my side, closing my eyes as I inhaled deeply.

She is angry with you. She feels betrayed. She feels singled out. She is twenty-one. Just a kid.

My subconscious reminded me repeatedly.

“Want me to start from the beginning?” I asked, pushing my hand through my hair. She shrugged her shoulders up, her eyes still pinned to that fucking phone.

“If I knew she was your best friend, it would never have happened,” I sighed, she begun to hum as I continued. “I met her in the champagne bar at the hotel one evening, she caught my eye, so I sent her a bottle of champagne. I had been with Adele, and we decided to stop for one drink, but something about Reese intrigued me.” I swallowed hard, trying to coat the dryness that was taking over my throat and tongue. I felt like I had swallowed half of the Sahara Desert. “One night, we ended up having a drink together, one led to five, five led to ten…” I stopped talking when her eyes connected with mine. A flash of forgiveness struck through them.

Keep going Killian.

“I don’t know how, or why, or even who’s idea it was but all I knew was the next morning we were at Reese’s apartment, married.” I took another step forward. “We have no recollection of what happened… well… so Reese thinks.” I sighed as I dropped my head.

“What do you mean ‘or so Reese thinks’,” she pressed up from her front, swinging her legs underneath her as she sat crossed legged on the end of her double bed.

“I was drunk, but I wasn’t blacked out drunk. I remember most of the night, just not why we decided to get married. That bit is still a distant memory.”

Connie didn’t say anything, just kept her icy glare on me.

“I never meant for this to happen, and if I knew she was your friend, believe me Con, I never would have gone there. But I can’t lie to you and say I don’t feel something for Reese. It’s wrong, so fucking wrong. She is nearly twenty years younger than me, but she makes me feel things I have never felt before. She makes me happy, I forgot what happiness felt like before her. I have never wanted to work on a relationship before, I have always been able to cut someone out of my life when I need to. But with Reese, I can’t do that. I crave her constantly, I know I need to stay away from her, but I can’t. And that’s what hurts me the most, the one woman I have fallen head over heels in love with is forbidden. I can’t go there; I can’t do that to you Connie. Because you are everything to me. I know I have been a shitty dad; I could have done so much more but I was selfish.”

“Dad,” she whispered, her eyes glassy when mine finally met hers.

“I can’t be selfish anymore, darling. I’ve got to do what is right for us all and that’s to walk away from Reese.” Saying the words made my heart lunge, my breath catching as my throat burned as if a burning hot pole had been pushed into my windpipe. My stomach flipped, my skin smothering in goosebumps as the realisation had finally kicked in.

I had to walk away. Dropping my head in disgust, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Connie. I was disgusted with the whole situation.

“Dad…” Connie’s soft voice crashed through me. I didn’t look up; I fought the urge to give into the pull that was trying to drag my head up.

“You were never a shitty dad,” she repeated my hateful words, but for some reason they didn’t sound as nasty on her tongue as they did mine. “You never asked to be a father, you were a donor. That was it.” Her tone was clipped suddenly, the ache in my chest growing by the second at the truth of her words. “You gave my mums something they had been wishing for, you done that for them,” I heard her bed creak and her feet hit the hardwood floor. “You never asked to be a father, dad… you chose to be a father.” I tensed, my heart thumping in my chest. A ripple of uneasiness crashing over me like a tidal wave. “You made the selfless decision to be in my life, even though you didn’t need to. That’s the difference dad, you wanted to be in my life.” I heard the thickness in her voice growing, I never thought this conversation was going to get as emotional as it was. I swallowed the apple sized lump down my throat, pushing it back down and blinking back the tears that were forming in my eyes.