What Doesn't Destroy Us (The Devil's Dust #1)(63)

“I will f*ck you, spank you, claim you, but only when I’m good and ready,“ Shadow whispers into my ear, his breath hot and humid against my skin. The sudden throbbing that sweeps into my swollen clit makes my legs wobble. I grab onto Shadow for support and he grabs me by the nape of the neck.

“Now that your dad knows about us, you’re more than mine, and everyone will know it.” He says it like it's a bad thing; his change in demeanor now makes sense. My body bemoans at the sudden realization that Shadow is protesting against me because my father has ordered me to live with him. I look at his bandaged arm; his price for being with me. I want to tell him I don’t have to go with him, that we can do this at our own speed, but we both know that’s not true.

“How did you get beat up so bad?” he demands.

I close my eyes trying to think; everything is still blurry in places. Did I ask for this or did they just enjoy inflicting pain on me? My head swamps with images of being kicked and thrown into the door; but why?

A prick of sensation flares to life, reminding me of the overwhelming urge to fight that day. I felt reckless, manic, furious, and ominous; my blood was pumping so hard I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my toes and fingers.

“I felt an overwhelming rage to fight,” I respond. “So I fought; I fought to live. A dark side of me roared through my reason.” Looking back, I could have been killed. That is exactly why I fought; it was kill or be killed.

“I wanted to kill them!” I whisper, remembering the overwhelming feeling of helplessness. How I would have loved to have found a weapon to seal their fates; to end the domino effect they had on other people’s lives. How I would have loved to get even for Shadow.

I sat on the bench, outside of the Principal’s office, swinging my feet as I waited for my mother to come out. I knew I was in trouble; my mother never seemed happy with me anymore, but this was sure to put her over the edge. I got in a fight with Sophie. I hated her. She was ten, just like me, but she was a bully; pulling my hair because I didn’t have long, blond hair like her and her friends; dumping paint over and blaming me, she even managed to ruin any art I made in school; pinching me 'til I bruised, she always left marks on me and sometimes she even drew blood; teasing me because I didn’t have a dad, her dad was a lawyer and rich; kicking me in the ankle as she walked by my desk, I couldn’t walk right for a month after the last time. The teacher and my mom never believed me when I told them what she did, or that she started it. Today wouldn’t be any different. She was every suburbia mom's wet dream; long blond hair, perfect grades, and perfect parents. She was just perfect. I hated her.

My mother came busting through the Principal's door and grabbed my hand to leave. Her grip was so tight I thought she would break my fingers. Once in the car, I knew all hell would break loose; I would be out of the public eye.

“You want to explain to me what happened, Danielle,” she asked, looking at me like I was the biggest mistake she ever made.

“The Principal said you pushed a girl causing her to fall down and hit her head on the pavement. Then… then...” My mother started to sob, making me feel regret for what I had done. I wasn’t sure why I decided to fight back that day; I never had the courage to fight back before. Something snapped, something dark inside of me called me out of my scared shell. I had the fury of a black panther, and Sophie was my prey. If the teacher hadn't pulled us apart, I would have killed Sophie.

“Then you yelled that you wanted to kill her? Who are you? You’re not normal,” my mother yelled at me, making me feel ashamed. I should have just let Sophie throw the ball at my head. I should have done nothing about it, then my mother wouldn’t hate me even more than she had. I don’t know what came over me, but I would never let it happen again.

“Dani? Dani! Where did you go?” Shadow says, slightly jarring me from my flashback.

I shake my head, not wanting to talk about it. Apparently this darkness has lived with me my whole life; my mother just did a good job making sure it was rarely triggered.

“Tell me,” Shadow says, grabbing the nape of my neck roughly and making our eyes lock.

“When I was younger, I fought back a bully. I even told her I wanted to kill her. My mother called me abnormal. That feeling I had when I yelled I wanted to kill that bully, came out when I was kidnapped. Seems I've always been screwed up.” I whispered the last sentence, feeling ashamed of my own darkness.

Shadow's nails dig deep into my skin, grabbing my attention. “Don’t be ashamed of your darkness. It’s a part of you and it’s easier to deal with it than to try and believe it’s not there. You are your father’s daughter; you are bound to have some darkness swimming in your veins. You are only dark when you have to be, when you’re at your breaking point. That’s understandable.” Shadow pauses, holding back. I can feel he wants to relate, but when he looks into my eyes I can see he just isn't ready to tell me. He is sheltering me; protecting me. His hot and cold attitude is tormenting. He is trying to be cold and withdrawn but it lacks full potential when he shows caring attributes. I understand that my father crossed a line, but is there something else making Shadow act like this?

“Be glad it’s only in drastic circumstances that your darkness wants to be released, Dani,” Shadow says with such emotion; his voice so raw and deep. Looking in his eyes, I can see my darkness is nothing compared to what he lives with. I wonder if I really want him to tell me what darkness he possesses.