What Doesn't Destroy Us (The Devil's Dust #1)(61)

“My father joined the Army when I was a kid,” Shadow says quietly, his breath whisking into my hair as he speaks.

“After a while, I guess my mom needed more than love letters and the occasional military leave from my father. Apparently, I wasn’t enough either. One day she left and didn’t come back for a few days. When she did, she was different; she wasn’t my mother. I never saw my mother again,“ Shadow sighs heavily. I can literally hear all the sorrow in that single sigh.

“She used to have such bright, blue eyes, but after that first time she left me alone, they were dull and pathetic. Then she would be gone for weeks at a time; her thick body was slimming down to skeletal and her teeth were rotting.

“When I did talk to my father, I never told him what was going on. My mother and I were his lifeline over there. I think he knew, though; he kept asking for her and I always had to make up an excuse. She quit writing him back when his letters came.

“Then she started showing up with Ricky. I could hear them f*cking through the night.” I hear Shadow grind his teeth. “I hated that f*cker, he used to call me 'Champ'. I just wanted to kill him.” Shadow spoke with such hurt and remorse, his body tense. I wanted to roll over and hold him, but I was afraid to move; afraid he would close up. So I laid there listening.

“One day I got the news my dad had been gunned down in Iraq. My mother had been gone for a week. When she finally came home, she showed up with Ricky. I told her the news and she laughed; she didn’t even go to the funeral. She just took off with the money that was donated to us by 'Fallen Soldiers' and left me. Eventually the electricity, water, everything was turned off. I had no food, no father, and no mother. I was fourteen years old.” Shadow pauses, rubbing his hands over his face. I want to turn and see his expression, his eyes, but I don't have it in me to see the man I’m in love with hurt so much.

“All I have of my father is his dog tags and the car we would work on together when he got leave,” Shadow says in a whisper, making my own eyes water. The car in the garage; he said it was all he had from his dad. I can see a little boy working on a car with his dad when I close my eyes, making the water that drenches my eyes spill over.

“When I was younger I got thrown in “Juvie”. That’s where I met Bobby. He was in there for stealing a car. We ended up getting the same release date, and I went home with him. His parents invited me in with open arms; they never judged Bobby and I. They provided food and a roof over my head without asking anything in return. They both died in a car crash our last year of high school,” Shadow sighs. “Bobby and I dropped out and found the club.”

I thought my life was messed up, but I had nothing on Shadow. His past clearly has done some damage. Is this what he has been so scared to tell me? Or is he just telling me this to get me off his back? I roll over and look into Shadow’s eyes, digging down into his soul. He tenses under my stare, aware of the unspoken connection our souls share, and breaks eye contact with me.

There is more; more he wants to tell me but can’t. I can sense it.

“You don’t have to tell me anymore tonight. I get that you just shared a f*ck load,” I say, reassuring him that I am happy he shared with me. I am greedy and want more, but I won’t push for anymore tonight.

My body protests its cruel and unusual punishment. I need rest, but not yet. I want to bask in this moment of feeling safe and somewhat trusted.

“Ever since I can remember, my mother worked. Whether it was waitressing or dancing, which I recently learned was actually stripping, she worked. She didn't show up to my school plays or talent shows. She always had an excuse; she was always working.

“She would find the worst sitters when I was young. One sitter she hired would lock me in my room with a chair against the door. The only times she would let me out was for food and right before she knew my mother was coming home. I tried to tell my mother but she never believed me.

“As I got older, her distance from me got worse, but when she met Stevin, the distance became hostile. When she was home, we fought badly. I didn't do anything right in her eyes, and she would always say I was abnormal and needed help.” My head throbs with the effort to remember, causing me to pause.

“My mother was very precise about my future. I was just as trapped in my life with her as I was in that locked room,” I share with Shadow, trying to give him a glimpse at why I was a naive little girl when I showed up. A Tit-for-Tat, if you will.

“Why didn't you just move out?” Shadow asks, as if it was so easy.

“I tried, she forbid it. She took all the money out of my bank account and threatened the girl I was going to move in with. I was stuck with the bitch,” I explain. My mother didn’t want me, but didn’t want anyone else to have me either. That's why it doesn't make sense that she left me here so easily.

“Enough sharing for tonight, we have a busy day tomorrow. Seems you're moving in with me,” Shadow says, getting comfy behind me. My eyes snap open wide, nearly popping a blood vessel.

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I can’t breathe; the air is thick and demanding as it fills my lungs. Everything is dark. My eyes dart around trying to find light, but it’s pitch black. I’m lying on my side and have no idea where I am. I try and move my hands to get up but when I pull my hands my feet tug; I’m hog tied. No, not again! I’ve been taken against my will. I feel my heart race; panic cascades down my spine. My lips tremble with fear as I try and listen to the surrounding noise, the thumping from my heart making it hard. It sounds like a car engine. Suddenly my body is thrown up and then slammed back down and red lights illuminate the area. I’m in a trunk. How did I get here? I don’t remember being thrown into a trunk. I hear car doors open and shut and then whistling as footsteps make their way to the back of the car. The trunk pops open. The sun is shining so brightly behind two people I can’t make out who they are, just silhouettes.