Saving Dancer (Savage Brothers MC #2)(27)

“Right now, it’s taking all of the energy I have not to grab you and take the promise you have in your eyes and make it a reality. It is killing me. Killing me. We’re not sharing a bed, we’re not kissing, we’re not…f*ck, we’re doing nothing. We’re not even holding hands. Living with you is requiring sainthood from me, Princess. I’m not a f*cking saint.

“Who asked you to be, Jacob? It sure as heck wasn’t me!”

“See? Right there that’s what I’m saying. You can’t even cuss. You say the word heck for Christ’s sake! You’re too damned innocent for me.”

“Oh my god, Jacob! Everyone is a virgin at some point! Even you were!”

“Yeah, but it’s been a f*ck of a long time, Carrie. It happened in a dirty alley with a hooker who was high enough not to mind giving a street kid a freebie.”

She jerks back and it is that moment I figure I have shown her just how wrong for her I am.

“What does that have to do with anything?” She asks, and now she just sounds thoroughly confused.

“You’re a virgin! A damned virgin, with stars in her eyes and what you want Princess, I’m not capable of giving you.”

“Fine then! I’ll just go out, get laid and then you can feel better about touching me? Would that work for you, Jacob Blake?”

“Damn it, Carrie…”

“Just save it. I wouldn’t believe anything you said at this point anyway.”

She delivers that last sentence and bends down to pick her bag back up. My hands go sweaty. Shit I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t want her to leave. I’m terrified about what will happen if she stays. Fuck.

I make a split second decision. It may be a decision I live to regret. I just don’t know. I’m going completely by instinct and what I do know is that she can’t leave. If she leaves she’ll be in danger. I can’t deal with that. If she leaves I won’t even have the chance to touch her and I don’t want that. If she leaves there’s a very big chance that Bull will run after her and I can’t handle that at all.

“Wait…”

She stops, turns and looks at me. Her green eyes scan my face and I worry that she can see the doubt and indecision I’m feeling. Worse, will she see that a large part of me does not want to go there with her? What the f*ck is wrong with me? Why is this so hard?

Because it’s Carrie.

Carrie means something. She always has.

When she doesn’t say anything, I force myself to try again.

“Carrie…”

“I am not anyone’s responsibility and I sure don’t want to be that to you,” her soft voice interrupts me.

She reminds me of a girl playing at being a woman. She is standing there telling me how she feels, but her posture is unsure, her voice way too soft for her words. I’m too old, too dark, too damned jaded to be anywhere around her. I want her, I want her in ways I’ve never wanted a woman. Fuck, I’m trying to do the right thing here, but I don’t want her to leave. The thought of her leaving fills me with this overwhelming emptiness.

“Damn it all Carrie, I do want you. Hell, I’ve always wanted you.”

I watch as her face lifts and her eyes seek mine yet again. I can see the hope flare before she taps it down. She’s so innocent and pure staring at me. Does she realize that her eyes are pure seduction? Does she have any clue the things I want to do to her sweet body? Maybe…. maybe I should show her.

“Jacob, I need you too,” she argues like she doesn’t understand why I keep pushing her away. She acts like it should be just so damned simple.

It’s not. It is anything but simple. The fact that she thinks it should be easy pisses me off.

“I should take what you keep offering. You owe me your innocence. You have no idea the f*cking hell I have lived the last two years because of your na?ve ass. You waltz into my life again after nearly destroying me and you think it should be easy to give you a piece of me? Fuck, I’ve had so many pieces of me torn away and it’s all your f*cking fault, Princess.”

I regret instantly what I say. Apparently I haven’t got a good enough lock on my anger. I’m going back and forth so much, I am getting dizzy. Fuck. I swallow, because I know my words have wounded her. I know I shouldn’t have said it. I don’t even truly believe it. There’s just this huge rabid animal in me and I have no control over when it strikes out.

She looks at me with so much sadness, it seems to surround her. If there has been a more beautiful woman, I have not seen her. Her eyes look almost liquid.

Any minute now she is going to turn and run. I can’t even blame her. I wish I could gather my words back up and keep them from touching her, but I know that is impossible too. So I wait for her next move. Part of me is already feeling relief, but a larger part is grieving, it’s just further proof that my head is completely messed up.

What she says next? It shocks the hell out of me. I didn’t expect it.

“Then take my innocence. Take whatever you want. It’s yours, Jacob. It has always been yours, so take it. I’m yours.”

Carrie’s wearing a pale yellow sundress, looking young and untouched. This is who Carrie is. I love the dress on her. It reminds me of how innocent she is, while at the same time making me wonder what will happen once I dirty her up, and I do want to dirty her up. As confused as I am about taking this next step with Carrie, I at least know that.