Saving Dancer (Savage Brothers MC #2)(25)

We lie there on the bed in silence. Me, because I don’t really know what to say. I’m not sure about Jacob. Maybe he is already regretting me being here? Maybe Nicole is wrong? Maybe I should give him an out? I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t.

I am however, starting to feel self-conscious. I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here without talking. I figure at least twenty minutes or longer. I slowly pull myself away from Jacob. He’s been quiet for so long, I figure he’s sleeping.

“Where are you going?” Jacob asks, his hand on my hip tightening to keep me from pulling further away.

“I thought I’d let you sleep.”

“I want you here,” I think I’m lying to myself, but I choose to believe he’s referring to our earlier conversation. If I allow myself time to think about it? I would acknowledge that the tone of his voice, and how he refuses to look directly in my eyes, disagrees completely with what his lips are saying. I choose to ignore it. It’s weak, I know. Sometimes, love makes you weak.

“If you’re sure.”

His fingers are combing through my hair. It’s nice so I settle down against him and close my eyes.

“How come you don’t have a man?” He asks and his fingers continue to sift through my hair. It relaxes me and with my eyes closed, Jacob filling my lungs and his arms around me…I let my guard down and answer honestly.

“I told you the last time we had this conversation Jacob, you’re it for me.”

“It’s been over two years since that discussion, Carrie.”

I kiss his chest, through the hospital gown, to still his words. It’s not like I haven’t heard them before. I’m used to people thinking I’m too young to know my own mind. It seems unreal to me. If I had slept with the entire state of Kentucky people would take me more seriously. I may only be twenty years old. I may have never had sex before. All this is completely true. What isn’t true however, is that I am not adult enough to decide who I want in my life or who I want to take my virginity. Was I stupid to wait around for Jacob to give me a shot? Yes. I can admit that. It is the very definition of stupidity to pine over a man who has spent years pushing you away. That however, doesn’t change the fact that the only person my body responds to, the only person I want it to respond to, is Jacob. I’m not naive. I do not see happy ever after in Jacob’s arms. In fact, I know that I will probably have my heart ripped out and stomped on. I’m still moving forward with Jacob. I want to try and help him. I need to try. Some rides are worth the pain. If I run from this chance, I will regret it my entire life.

“Don’t Jacob, just don’t. Whatever happens, happens,” I answer, fully meaning it.

The rest of my visit with Jacob is spent talking about incidental things, silly things. The conversation is purposely navigated away from anything heavy. Jacob has enough of that on his plate.





Chapter 14




Dancer


I had to stay in the hospital for three days. Worse, they wouldn’t let me out of the damned place until I agreed to outpatient therapy. It was a bunch of crap, but I agreed to it. Hell, I would have agreed to anything if it got me the f*ck out of there.

My brothers are trying really hard not to ask questions about the accident. It would be comical really, if we weren’t dealing with my life. Well, all of them except for Dragon are avoiding it. Dragon has been really quiet. I find him watching me at times with this look on his face and I have a feeling he knows more than the rest. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. In the end, I guess I’m not much better than my brothers, because I’m ignoring the issue with Dragon. Fuck, I don’t even know what I would say to him anyway.

The next problem is Carrie. I made the decision to grab her up without thinking it through. She spent every day with me in the hospital. It was both heaven and hell. I loved having her close. I loved touching her, kissing her and having my brothers know she’s mine. A sad part of me figures I look a lot less pathetic in their eyes having Carrie as my old lady.

That’s where the good part ends. The thought of any type of relationship with Carrie scares the f*ck out of me. Once I got out of the hospital the touching, kissing and f*ck just everything has gone to hell.

My brothers moved my stuff into the small house with Carrie. I thought that was good. Yet, now that we’re here together, basically living together as a couple? It feels anything but good. It feels like the walls are holding me in? How f*cked up is it to want someone, but panic constantly once you have them. I can’t even understand my own mind these days.

I think I’m doing better at hiding my reactions from Carrie. I don’t want to hurt her and the thought of her leaving me, sends me into a deeper panic. My brain feels like it never shuts off anymore. I didn’t mind playing house when I thought Bull would be here. I liked the idea of flaunting Carrie’s need for me in my brother’s face. It gives me a perverse thrill. Only, Bull isn’t here. So for the last week I’ve found myself playing house with a woman I want in my bed, but afraid to touch. We’re living some kind of sad, perverse, platonic relationship. Something is going to have to give soon, I realize it.

I should walk away, a huge part of me is even demanding it. My brain just keeps playing Russian roulette with my memories and sooner or later the wrong one will escape and take…everything.