Joshua Healy (The Mitchell/Healy Family #10)(53)

He's right. I shouldn't borrow a truck I've never driven and attempt to make it home. I cross my arms over my chest. "Fine. I'll see if I can stay at a nearby hotel."

"You can stay here. I'll take the downstairs couch."

"I still can't believe this is happening to us. I knew something was wrong, but I never expected this."

He clenches his jaw and peers away. His bright green eyes are already red and swollen. At least I know this hurts him and that he's not completely heartless. "I wish it wasn't true. I've wished it since the day it happened. This has been the best three months of my life."

"How? I don't get it." Then I change my mind. "Don't tell me. I can't bear to hear it."

"I'll tell you anything."

"How many times?" There are some things I need to ask, because it will bug the shit out of me if I don’t.

"Once."

"Where? Was it in your bed? The bed we shared?"

"No." He frowns and shakes his head. "No way. It was outside. She cornered me when I went outside."

"Halloween?"

"Hell no. It was when you were gone. She showed up freaking out that we were together. She wanted me to tell her you didn't mean anything to me."

"Did you? Is that how it happened?"

He reaches for me, but I back away. I can't handle it. "Tamsyn, of course not. I told her I love you, because I do. I said what we have is real. She went nuts and left. I’d been drinking all night with my parents. I had no idea what I was doing. It was a huge mistake I've regretted since waking up sober."

"I'm sorry, Josh, but I don't believe you. The truth is, Livvy wants you, and I guess a part of you still wanted her too. You said she was your first love. Some people never get over that."

"I am over it. I'm here with you. I want you. Only you. I love you."

"I love you too, but I can't forgive you, even if my heart wants me to. You knew I could never forgive you if you cheated on me."

"I know." His face contorts like he's trying to fight his emotions. "I understand."

I break down right in front of him again.

“Do you? Do you have any idea how this feels for me?”

The veins are popping on his forehead. He’s fighting a losing battle though. Nothing he says will make this right, “I messed up. It was once. I never would have done it sober.”

“You think that’s a good enough excuse for me to get over it?” I have to turn away from him. There’s no way I can look at him, knowing this has to end, and not run into his arms. “I need to be alone, Josh. Go back to your family.”

“No way. I’m where I need to be.”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure there is someone else who needs you more than me. Have you considered that she’s lying?” It’s a possibility. Livvy is known for fabricating stories to benefit herself.

“I saw the tests.” He pauses. “Plus, I can tell she’s upset about it. She never wanted kids. If she was going to continue trying to break us up she’s find other ways. This isn’t how she’d want my family knowing we were together. She knows they’ll hate her for this.”

He’s right. This doesn’t get her anywhere. That can only mean it’s true. Livvy is pregnant. “How do you know you’re the father?”

“I guess I can’t be sure until the baby is born. She said her fiancé had a vasectomy years ago. The timing is right.”

I feel like I’m going to throw up. I keep imagining them together, her hands all over the parts of him that were supposed to be mine. I’m devastated.

“How long were you planning on keeping this from me? Obviously you wouldn’t have been able to hide it forever.”

“Liv agreed to keep quiet until she was showing. I knew my time was running out, but I wanted to have a nice holiday with you and my family before all hell broke loose. Can you blame me? I didn’t want to hurt you. That was never my intention. I’d do anything for your forgiveness.”

“Don’t bother. It’s too late for that.” I look him right in his sad eyes. My teeth grit as I say it. “I will never forgive you.”

He’s squinting again, his face scrunching up. “I’m so damn sorry.”

“I am too. We could have been great, Josh.”

He nods through his tears. “I know.”

My lips are trembling. I can barely see out of my tear-filled eyes. It’s too much. “I’m going to go lie down for a while.”

When I turn to walk away he grabs the back of my shirt. In a matter of seconds he’s wrapping his arms around the back of me and crying into my shoulder. My hands come up and hold onto his. Then I lose it. His strength alone is the only thing keeping me from falling. I can’t begin to fathom how this is happening to us. He’s making it worse by being this emotional.

I tap on his arm. “I have to go,” I manage to mumble.

He lets go, saying nothing as I start walking away.

It’s not until I’m behind closed doors that I really fall apart. I slide down against the bedroom wall and bawl my eyes out. I’ll never be the same again, not after losing him. In a few short months he consumed me. It was dangerous from the start, but I couldn’t turn away. I wanted it, and now I have to live with that decision and always wonder what could have been if this never happened.