Forever for a Year(81)

I had two finals on my birthday. How terrible is it to have to take tests on your birthday? When I got home that night, my parents took me out to a birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory. It was my favorite restaurant so it’s where we went every year. I was always allowed to bring a friend to my birthday dinner and I had always brought Peggy. But we hadn’t talked in years. Not literally, obviously, but it felt like it. I thought about bringing Trevor. My mom expected me to. But I asked Kendra instead and told my mom Trevor had basketball. Which was true, but he would have been done in time to go to dinner. So I guess I lied. But I don’t even feel bad about it. Am I becoming a worse person or a better person? I don’t even know.

At dinner, my mom asked Kendra, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

And Kendra said, “My dad said I can’t have a boyfriend until I’m a sophomore.”

“That’s probably smart,” my mom said, which made me feel like such a slut.

My dad said, because he always knows when my mom says stuff that hurts me, “Ellie—we love Trevor. I think Carolina having Trevor will be one of the most important things to ever happen in her life.” Which was true. So true. The truest thing ever. But because something’s important, does that mean it’s good? Yes. Right? I didn’t know. I was so tired.

Kendra and I talked about soccer season and the new semester and other stuff. I didn’t talk about Trevor much. I hadn’t told Kendra or anyone that we had had sex. Maybe I should tell someone. No way I could tell my parents. But maybe Kendra. But later. I don’t know. Kendra was amazing. But her not dating boys made her hard to relate to when it came to boys and sex things. She always said such smart things and always sounded so wise, but it’s easy to be smart and wise about boys if you aren’t in love with one.

So that night, after I got into bed, I texted Shannon Shunton. I hadn’t texted her since a month after she disappeared. This is what I wrote:





ME


I had sex with Trevor

I was ninety-nine percent sure she wouldn’t respond, but I figured it would make me feel better. You know, like writing to Santa Claus or saying a prayer. You knew no one would respond, but it felt better doing it just because.

But then someone DID respond. OH MY GOSH. Shannon Shunton was alive! Except the text was:





SHANNON SHUNTON


Who is this?

Could Shannon Shunton have forgotten about me? How could she forget about me? I would never forget about her. I didn’t know what to think, so I just texted back:





ME


It’s Carolina

And then I waited. So long. And then finally, another text came:

SHANNON SHUNTON’S PHONE

I don’t know you. You have the wrong

number. Know who you are you texting

before you tell people your business.

My whole face burst into fire and I died. Not really. But gosh, did I feel like the stupidest person ever. I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t sleep because I felt so sick and silly. But you know what else? Shannon Shunton’s phone number had been taken over by someone else. Maybe that meant she really was dead. Maybe that meant not all stories had happy endings.





72

Trevor sends a secret note

I needed to stop my mom from seeing “Midnight Dog” again without telling her I knew. Or telling my dad. Or telling Carolina. So I typed up a letter that said:





STOP CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE


Then I wrote the address in block letters to hide my handwriting, took a long walk after dinner Thursday night to find a mailbox that was as far from my house as possible, and dropped it into the mail. Then I texted Carolina that I loved her because that’s why I was doing all this secretive stuff. To protect her from the horrible crap adults do to their kids.

*

Licker was becoming my best friend at school because of basketball. He was the best player on the team and I was the best rebounder—rebounding is just about being crazy and relentless, which I guess I was—so the two of us together played almost every minute of every game. Even though I’d rather have sex with Carolina than play basketball, if I couldn’t have sex with her all the time I guess basketball was better than masturbating or studying or even playing video games. Maybe not better than video games.

Aaron and Tor were still cool, but we didn’t have any classes together and I didn’t see them at cross-country practice anymore. Maybe when track started in the spring we’d be closer again.

We got our first-semester grades back and I got four Bs and two Cs, which is about as good at school as I had ever done. It was because Carolina and I had spent so much time studying on Sundays through the fall, even if I would have rather been hooking up. So I owed all my good grades to her, except she had gotten two Bs, when she had always gotten straight As in junior high, and even though she didn’t say it, I knew she blamed me. I felt like shit. I’m poison. Carolina was perfect and could accomplish anything she wanted, but I was this destructive meteorite with all my demons and my mom’s demons and I was going to ruin her life. If I was a selfless person, I would have broken up with her so she could be free of my crap. But I loved her too much to let her go.

*

My dad was in town through the rest of January and the beginning of February, so I don’t think my mom was seeing Midnight Dog anymore. Also, I think my note worked. I hope so. I wished I could tell Carolina how my plan had succeeded in saving our love and both our parents’ marriages but the whole point of stopping their sicko affair was so Carolina would never find out. So I couldn’t tell her or anyone. You start to go crazy when you don’t tell people stuff. But I think I’ve always been crazy. I’m just more aware of it now. For a while, Carolina made me forget it. But now not even she could fool me into thinking I was anything but deranged.