Forever for a Year(77)

I went down to the basement by myself and I waited and I thought, oh my gosh, I was about to have sex. I didn’t want to think it. I just wanted it to happen so that I didn’t have to think later that I could have not done it. I wanted it to just be that our bodies did it, that they loved each other so much that we had to have sex tonight even though it was still a week until my birthday and I promised I would wait until then. It sounded so much more mature to wait but I just couldn’t. Trevor and I needed to have sex, we did, or else all these bad things like Alexander or his mom’s sadness or the universe might pull us apart.

Wait a minute. Trevor’s mom tried to commit suicide, and I hadn’t even really thought what that meant. I was so happy he wasn’t mad about me texting Alexander (well, he wasn’t mad until I told him), that I didn’t really think about how this made Mrs. Santos such a different person. She was so perfect and yet she tried to kill herself. I wanted to be just like her, so does that mean I’d want to kill myself some day? What if I’m not as perfect as she is, won’t that mean I’d want to kill myself even more? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This world is a horrible place and I can be a horrible person, but even if I’m a perfect person it won’t matter.…

And then Trevor came downstairs, and he started kissing me without talking.





64

Trevor …

Kissed her. Grabbed her. Took off her shirt. She took off mine. Kissed her. Bit her lip. She bit mine. Never done that so I did it again. She cried out a little but she bit me harder back. Took off her skirt. She took off my pants. I took off my underwear. She took off hers. Then I was on top of her and she was beneath me. Kissing so fast. Eyes open. Our eyes were never open. But I wanted to see her. I wanted to see if it was okay. I wasn’t going to ask. I couldn’t ask. If I asked, she might say no. But if we just got closer and closer and closer and she didn’t say anything, then she might mean yes.…





65

Carolina …

Trevor was naked and I could feel him, his penis, the tip, I could feel it on my, you know, and it kept rubbing against me and it felt so good. So tingling. Shivers. I wanted to laugh. But not laugh out loud. I kept my eyes open because I wanted him to know it was okay. I wanted to see what he looked like when it happened.

I kept scrunching my butt lower so that I would be closer to him, so that he would know he could do it. Why can’t we just talk about it? We should. We weren’t wearing a condom. Oh my gosh. We didn’t have a condom. But it was okay. You can’t get pregnant on your first time. Obviously you can. I’m not stupid. But it wouldn’t happen. We would be fine. And I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to be with Trevor forever.





66

Trevor …

“I love you, Carolina,” I said.

“I love you, Trevor.”

“I love you so much, Carolina.”

“I love you so, so much, Trevor.”

“I’ll love you forever.”

“I’ll love you forever.”

“I…” I started, but then I could feel my penis slip inside so I couldn’t talk. More than just the tip. It was more than just more than the tip. It was like my whole body went inside her and she was this huge warm lake and I was swimming. That’s so dumb. But it felt true. Like this is exactly where my penis should be. It knew it should be. It wanted to be just like this, in Carolina, forever.

“Ah,” Carolina said. I had forgotten about her. Not forgotten. I mean, I was having sex with her. But I’d forgotten to ask how it felt for her. Goddamn, I screwed up.

“Does it feel okay?”

“Yeah,” she said. But she was lying.

“Do you want me to stop?” Please don’t tell me to stop. Please don’t tell me to stop. Please don’t tell me to stop.





67

Carolina …

“No,” I said. And I meant it. I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to have sex. I was having sex.

Wait a minute.

Wait. A. Minute.

I was having sex. SEX.

It didn’t hurt.

Everyone on the internet said it would hurt.

It didn’t.

It didn’t feel good. I mean, it felt great to share this moment with Trevor but physically it didn’t feel good. It didn’t hurt either. There wasn’t, like, real pain. It just, you know, felt like it didn’t belong. So weird. Like he was a round peg and I was a square hole except, I guess, he would really be a square peg and I would be a round hole. I don’t even know what I’m saying.

His face was so happy. So happy. That felt nice. It felt so nice to have Trevor so happy. I thought we were going to break up, but now we were having sex and I was making him so happy we would never break up. I really hope we don’t get pregnant. I want to spend forever with him, but I don’t want to have a baby or an abortion. What would I do? Oh my gosh, I should tell him to stop. To get a condom. But I don’t want to ruin our first time. This is so important.

Except this is not as great as I thought it would be. I mean, it’s important. But it’s just … not amazing. I shouldn’t say that! It’s great. It’s great! It’s just not a big deal. It’s a HUGE deal because it’s my first time and he’s my soul mate. I’m just saying the feeling, the actual feeling of having a penis inside is … kind of boring. Oh my gosh, I just said it was boring. I don’t mean that. I mean that I thought it would be this earth-shattering thing, like jumping out of an airplane in space or something, but instead it’s just … what it is.