Forever for a Year(78)

Trevor said, “This is the greatest feeling I’ve ever had.”

Oh gosh, I smiled so big. I even forgot how it felt awkward and boring for a second. And for that second, our eyes were so close and so deep and our bodies were so, so, so together and it was like, if we could stay just like this forever, then everything between us would always be okay.

But then, you know, he came.





Part Four

FIGHTERS FOR A SEMESTER





68

Trevor knows how technology works

After we finished having sex, and I pulled out, I realized I wasn’t wearing a condom. The thought might have crossed my mind before we started, but I ignored it. I just wanted to do it so badly I didn’t think. I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe how out of control I was. Everything was supposed to be perfect, but I couldn’t even put on a condom.

But it felt so good. So f-ing good I don’t know how people do anything but have sex if they are adults and don’t have school or parents. Wouldn’t Carolina and I just do it all day, every day? Maybe eat. Of course eat. And sleep. But not much. Just have sex. Feel what I just felt. It was literally, literally like I was transported into another world where your whole body can fly through a beautiful, soft, tingling cloud. Crap. I suck at describing stuff. I mean, it was the most awesome f*cking thing ever, okay? It just was.

A half hour later, after we had told each other how much we loved each other over and over, I wanted to have sex again. Carolina said okay if we could wear a condom. Of course. So I got the condom box that my mom gave me from my room and we had sex again.

It didn’t feel as good. But it was still great. Still incredible. And Carolina was more comfortable, and she even moaned I think. Which made me feel like I was good at sex. Which is the most important thing. I only want to have sex with Carolina if it feels good for her. If she orgasmed right now, while we were having sex the second time, I think it would be a sign that our love was more powerful and important than even I could fathom.

But she didn’t. I came again. Then I threw the condom into the toilet and flushed.

*

She texted her dad at midnight to come get her because my mom hadn’t come home yet. He didn’t respond, so she called him ten minutes later. He didn’t pick up. So I called my mom. She didn’t pick up either. Then her dad texted:

CAROLINA’S DAD ON HER PHONE

Be there in thirty

“You live two minutes away,” I said.

“He was probably sleeping,” Carolina said. And then I realized I shouldn’t say anything. I knew I shouldn’t even before I got a text from my mom that said:





MY MOM ON MY PHONE


on my way home

“That from your mom?” Carolina asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“What did she say?”

“She’s still downtown with her friend.”

*

I kissed Carolina every second that we waited for her dad to arrive. I loved her so much I didn’t know how to talk anymore. I wished we were the only two people in the world. Or at least the only two people in our families.

When her dad arrived, she ran out to his car. I watched from the front door. It hurt so much to watch her leave I couldn’t move. Not even twenty seconds after they drove out of sight my mom pulled down the street and opened the garage. Adults think they are so smart. Adults think we don’t see things. Think we don’t know things. But we know everything. Everything. Man, I wish we didn’t. I wish I didn’t. But I do. I know f*cking everything, and it’s going to be impossible to be happy if I know f*cking everything.

I sat in the kitchen on a stool facing the door to the garage. My mom walked in. She looked worn. Tired. Stressed. I f*cking hated her.

“Why are you still up?”

But I didn’t say anything.

“Sorry I’m so late. Katie and I lost track of time,” she said. Just talking, talking, talking her crap. Like she could fool me by talking her crap, crap, crap. Like she could fool the world with it.

Me? I just kept staring at her. Hating her. Letting her know I knew everything.

“What’s wrong? You’re being weird, Trevor. Go to bed.”

Still didn’t say a word.

“Good night, Trevor,” she said, and walked past me, not looking at me. Not looking at me because I could see right into her rotten, selfish soul and she didn’t want to see me seeing it.

*

The next day, I stayed locked in my room. Lily knocked and asked how I was. I said I was tired. Which was true. Tired of all of existence. My mom knocked too, but I just ignored her.

She said, “You open this door right now and talk to me!”

Ha. Adults think they can lecture you, order you around, when they are twice as irresponsible and twice as childish as any kid. Ha. HA! She left. She knew. She knew I knew. And she didn’t want to be around me any more than I wanted to be around her.

Lily said Mom was taking her to a movie. I said have fun. No way was I going. Carolina and I texted a bit, but it was just talking love stuff. She was clueless. I couldn’t tell her what I knew. Not ever. Carolina wouldn’t be able to handle it. She would hate me. I hate me. I hate my mom because she makes me hate me.

*

After Lily and my mom left, I went to my parents’ bedroom and found my mom’s iPad. I opened up the Messages app. See, if you have an iPhone and an iPad like my mom, messages go to both unless you disconnect them. My mom probably doesn’t even remember this. Because adults are dumb when they are being pathetic.