Forever for a Year(73)

I don’t know who Carolina was texting while I was in the pool, but it wasn’t Kendra. She had this look on her face. This smile. It looked so … interested. So that’s why I got out, to try to see. But then I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing, so I asked. And she lied. I know she did. My mom has lied to me enough so I know when someone lies. I always know. I wish I didn’t know when people lied. I hate being able to see the truth even when everyone else can’t.

But who could it have been? Peggy? But why would she have lied about Peggy? Was it another boy? What boy? I had never seen her flirt with or talk to any boy at school. But I wasn’t with Carolina all the time. Maybe I should follow her. Yep. Maybe I should spy on her in her classes. That sounds so creepy. Screw it. Screw it, okay? Yep. So then when she left the pool area, I started talking to this girl Jamie who I had no interest in whatsoever but was nice and clearly lonely because no other boys were talking to her. All the boys started throwing their girlfriends and dunking them so I did it to Jamie and it made her happy and … okay, I started looking at her chest, but only when she had her eyes closed from the water. I loved Carolina’s body, but Jamie’s boobs were so … bouncy. Is that creepy too? Carolina had come back when I wasn’t looking. Had she seen me looking at Jamie’s boobs? Who cares? She lied to me so I don’t care. Carolina jumped in and got all kissy and girlfriendy, so maybe she didn’t. And then I got horny and didn’t want to think about who she was texting, or fight about it, because I wanted to get naked with her later. Goddamn, I wish I didn’t get so excited every time Carolina kissed me with tongue. I’d be a much stronger person, and if I was a stronger person she’d probably never lie to me.

*

It always seemed like the world was going to end when it was a new year. I didn’t even know why I felt like that. Whatever. Was I getting negative again? What was wrong with me? I couldn’t even tell. It was just … something didn’t seem right anymore. Carolina lied to me, and I looked at another girl’s boobs. I guess that’s what wasn’t right. Maybe that would cause the world to end. That sounded stupid. But I didn’t f*cking care.

We went back to school on Wednesday, January 2. Three days of classes, then finals the next week. What moron schedules finals after a two-week Christmas break? They expect us to remember all the crap they’ve been making us memorize for four months after not thinking about it for two weeks? Why was I complaining about this? Why did I feel like complaining about everything?

On Thursday night, my dad was out of town and my mom said she was seeing a play in Chicago with some girlfriends—lie!—so Lily and I ordered pizza and watched Netflix. She said, “You seem sad, Trevor.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you and Carolina fighting?”

“No.” Which was true. We just weren’t … in last year anymore.

“You should tell her you’re sad.”

“I’m not sad, Lily!”

“You only yell at me when you’re sad!” Then Lily ran to her bedroom and locked the door. I didn’t care. Yes, I did. Lily always made me care.

“I’m texting Carolina!” I screamed super loud so Lily could hear me. Then I sent:





ME


I need to tell you something Carolina texted me back a few minutes later. We hadn’t been texting “I love you” as much. Texts were always right to the point, so hers was:





CAROLINA


What?

Lily returned, standing in the archway to the family room as I texted:





ME


I’ll do it in person

One second later:





CAROLINA


Oh my gosh what’s wrong?! Are you mad at me? Tell me now, Trevor!!!

But I didn’t even know what I was going to tell her anymore. That I was sad? Screw that. About how I knew she lied on New Year’s Eve? I don’t know … maybe. But … I just felt dumb. I didn’t want to fight with her. I wanted her to love me forever. I couldn’t believe how cheesy I was. And weak. And stupid. While I was thinking what to text, Carolina called. Called. We never called. She was worried. Worried I was mad at her.

But I didn’t pick up.

“Why aren’t you answering, Trevor?” Lily asked. Except I still didn’t answer. I just looked at her name on my phone. I liked that Carolina was worried. I liked that she thought I was mad at her and it was making her call me. “She’s going to think something’s really wrong, Trevor!” Lily ran over and jumped on me, trying to answer the phone for me. But I leaped to my feet and held the phone out of her reach. Then it stopped ringing. And then it buzzed with a text and another and another—





CAROLINA


Trevor! Why aren’t you answering?

Trevor!

Talk to me!

Why are you mad?

What do you want to say to me?

I’m so worried!

I’m worried you hate me! Please!

Please please please please I had never seen Carolina act like this. Never. I didn’t like that she was so scared. But I also did like it, you know? I hated that she was upset … but I was glad she cared enough about me to be upset. I’m so f*cked up. I finally texted: