Forever for a Year(86)

*

I crawled into my own bed. I didn’t even take Trevor’s coat off. My phone buzzed. It was Trevor. Asking if I was okay. But I pretended I didn’t see it. Why was I pretending things to myself? I don’t know. Trevor was amazing. More amazing than ever. But … I don’t know.

Wait a minute.

Oh. My. Gosh.

He knew.

The whole night flashed back through my brain. He wasn’t even mad when he saw them. Saw his mom and my dad together. Because he knew. I could see his face in my memory as he took my hand and led us away. He hated them. But he was focused. He was prepared. Because he knew.

He knew.

How could he not tell me? HOW COULD HE NOT TELL ME?

I picked up my phone, wanting to ask how long he had known. Wanting to ask why he hadn’t told me.

Except I saw Alexander Taylor’s birthday text five messages down. I had never written anything back. Because I was a good girlfriend. I was. I had lied that once, but I was an amazing girlfriend. I had given Trevor my heart and sex and my time and gotten bad grades and lost friends and changed my whole life forever. All for him.

And he hadn’t told me about my dad and his mom. I almost got sick again. Except nothing came up. Just gross air. Empty gross air. Nothing was left in my stomach to throw up. Nothing was left in my insides at all.

So I texted:





ME


Hi, junior.

It wasn’t to Trevor. Duh. As soon as I pressed send, I wished I hadn’t. I mean, it was not even five a.m. Alexander wouldn’t be up for a hundred hours, and I’d have to wait and feel bad about text cheating again and feel bad without even the excitement of actual texting from Alexander. But as I was thinking all this, my phone buzzed.

It was from Alexander:





ALEXANDER TAYLOR


it’s early, freshman

And because this is what I really felt, I responded:





ME


I don’t care.





ALEXANDER TAYLOR


i’m going back to bed. i’ll pick you up at 10 for breakfast. text me your

address. wear something interesting.

No way would I go to breakfast with him. No way would I text him my address. But then I did text him my stupid address. And then I sat in bed for the next four hours and thought about how I should cancel the breakfast and thought about my dad and thought about Trevor and thought that I had never liked my life less than at this exact moment and then I also thought about what I would wear. And then I thought about everything again but in a different order.

So at nine I took a shower and I put on a skirt and tall boots and a turtleneck and I put Trevor’s coat under my bed so I wouldn’t have to look at it. I put on makeup. I had never put on makeup on Sunday morning, and it felt so weird. Then I sat by my window and stared out at my driveway, waiting for Alexander Taylor to pick me up and make everything better by just making me think about something besides everything.

As soon as he pulled into the driveway, Alexander honked. He drove a big black Toyota 4Runner. It was an older model with tinted windows and a dented rear door. It looked like a truck no girl should get into unless she wanted to die. But I ran out through my house, ignored my mom’s yelling from the kitchen, and jumped right into his scary truck.

“Hi, freshman,” he said as he put the 4Runner in reverse. The leather seats were cracked and cold against the bare of my legs. Why did I wear a skirt? He’d tricked me. He’d said, “Wear something interesting.” Why would he care what I wore? I mean, he’s a boy. He cared because he wanted me to look sexy. But why would he make it so obvious he cared? To trick me. I would have worn jeans if he hadn’t said that.

“Hi,” I said, wishing I could jump out. But maybe not. My whole body was prickly. A good prickly. An alive prickly. My breath was fast and my heart was faster.

“What are you running away from? Mom? Dad? Both? Boyfriend? All of the above?”

“I’m not,” I said. Such a lie.

“Yeah, right. It’s okay. I’m glad. I like that you’re running to me. I’m a good person to run away to.” Then he reached over and squeezed my naked knee. I jumped. I laughed. He thought it was a fun laugh so he did it again, except higher on my leg. I didn’t laugh this time. So he stopped. Why was I in this stupid truck?

*

When we parked at Roth’s Diner, I saw Trevor and Lily sitting in a booth by the window inside. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

“I don’t want to go here,” I said.

“Are you making decisions now, freshman?”

“Please,” I said, slinking down into the seat to hide. Alexander looked up, through the windshield, seeing Trevor in the restaurant window.

“So I guess you’re not broken up?” He smirked.

“Please,” I said.

“If we go somewhere else, what do I get?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Do I get a kiss?”

“Okay,” I said. And then he backed out and drove away and I could breathe again.

*

We ate at Egg Harbor in Glenview. It was a far drive, but I felt much safer. No one would see us here. I didn’t know if he would pay and I only had five dollars so I just ordered oatmeal. I wasn’t that hungry. I mean, I was starving and my head felt dizzy, but I also felt sick so oatmeal was enough. I guess. He didn’t ask about Trevor. He mostly talked about himself. About books he had read and TV shows he liked. It wasn’t as interesting as I had always thought it would be. Alexander knew how to act like he’d be interesting but I was bored and it wasn’t even the middle of our first date. Oh my gosh, was this a date? It was. Maybe. I had told him I would kiss him! How could I do that! I’d tell him I couldn’t. I’d tell him I would pay him back another way. He would understand.