Forever for a Year(91)

*

That night I was super tired. So tired. But my brain kept obsessing about Carolina and wishing I could kiss her and have sex and spend forever happy with her. I couldn’t stop, could I? I was so mad at her. So mad. So goddamn mad. But I loved her. I loved her so much. And if I moved away or I died, maybe I’d be able to keep myself from wanting to be with her. But she’s in school and she’s a five-minute drive away and I had to be with her again. I had to. I just had to beat the shit out of Alexander Taylor first.





81

Carolina attends a fight

Kendra told me at lunch on Tuesday.

She said, “Trevor and Alexander are going to fight after school.”

“Really?” I said, and, oh my gosh, I was so sad and excited at the same time. Like, I can’t believe I hurt Trevor and I can’t believe I kissed stupid Alexander and it was my fault and I’m a horrible person … but also, like, two boys would fight over me? ME? In junior high, boys wouldn’t even look at me, and now two boys were going to fight because of me.

And then I decided that as amazing as that was for the dumb girl in my head who wants to be important, it’s a very bad thing for the person I’m supposed to be. You know, the nice, mature, good person.

So I started texting both Alexander and Trevor, pleading both not to fight. Alexander texted me back right away, saying he wouldn’t fight Trevor if I kissed him “for real” next time. I think he meant sex or a hand job or something that made me want to throw up. But I almost said yes because I didn’t want Trevor to get hurt. But kissing Alexander because he tricked me was how I ruined my life in the first place, so I texted back to him, “I hope you lose.”

Trevor didn’t respond to any of my texts, and when I tried to talk to him in the hall, he just walked by like I wasn’t even there. Worse. Like he would get a disease if I touched him or if he even looked at me.

*

The fight was supposed to take place in the parking lot of Riverbend Community Center Pool. It was closed because it was winter, so there would be no grown-ups there. Kendra and I got a ride with some sophomore she knew because of her mom. It seemed like the whole school was going because all these cars drove in a big line, and people were honking, and leaning out the windows and screaming just to scream.

There was already a big circle of people there when we arrived. It wasn’t the whole school, I exaggerated again, closer to, like, fifty people. But that’s still a lot to watch a fight between two boys fighting over me.

Trevor was standing there, in the center of the circle, looking at the ground. He was so still. So intense. I swear, he was like a monk. He seemed like he couldn’t see or hear anything except his own mind.

Alexander Taylor wasn’t there, and I hoped he wouldn’t show up. That would be the best. Trevor would be the hero because he was brave enough to fight but he also wouldn’t have to fight. See, Trevor is tall and strong, I think, for being a freshman and kind of thin, but Alexander Taylor is on the swim team and he has very broad shoulders and he’s a junior, so he’s thicker and probably has more experience fighting because he’s an *. I never swear. But he is. I hate him. I feel so disgusting thinking about him. It’s not like he molested me. I didn’t say no. I didn’t run away. I even said I’d kiss him. But the way he did it, the way he did everything, was so wrong. Boys who trick girls into doing sex stuff with them are the worst boys in the universe. They are gross and stupid and so uncool. I know I screwed up. I know. I should have been smarter. But that doesn’t mean Alexander Taylor isn’t a worse person than me. Because he is.

So … just when people started whispering that Alexander Taylor wasn’t going to show up, these five SUVs arrive, including that dumb black 4Runner, and out of all these trucks jump twenty juniors and seniors from the swim team. All wearing their team blue-and-gold sweatpants and jackets. Oh. My. Gosh. This was SO unfair! Trevor had Licker and two other freshman basketball players and then Aaron and Tor from the cross-country team. And they were all, like, half the size of these swim people. (Henry and Jake were there, but I knew they would never defend Trevor because you can tell when someone’s a wimp inside even when he acts tough outside.) So Trevor only had, like, five people and they were thin and young. And Alexander had TWENTY friends. Twenty big upperclassmen.

“Trevor!” I yelled because I didn’t want him to die. But he didn’t look at me. He was about to die and he hated me so much that he still wouldn’t look at me. Henry mocked me by yelling, “Trevor,” in a girl’s voice. I don’t care. I know he’s just trying to be funny because he knows he’s a wuss.

*

After Alexander Taylor moved into the circle and the whole swim team pushed people aside to form this wall behind him, people started chanting, “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.”

Alexander paced, back and forth, one step toward Trevor, then back toward his friends; he kept smiling but you could tell he was nervous. He didn’t want to leave his friends and go toward the center.

Trevor still hadn’t moved from the middle. Not even one step. It was actually freaky. Like he was possessed. Who wouldn’t move? Who wouldn’t at least look up or look back? OR LOOK AT THE GIRL WHO LOVES YOU? But no, Trevor just stayed so still. So, so, so still I thought maybe he was a statue. Not really. But at least, like, not human. Oh my gosh, Trevor is so weird … and I love him. I love him so much. He’s so different. Look at Alexander, acting all cocky with a million friends, but really he was so nervous and jumpy and boring. He was like five million other boys. But not Trevor. Trevor was so weird and unique and special. Trevor was like this super-spiritual master who could concentrate even when everything around him was crazy. He was so intense. His brain, you could tell just looking at him right now, was so much faster and deeper than anyone else’s. Oh. My. Gosh. Trevor has a fast brain like me. Not that we’re smarter than everyone. What I’m saying is, I didn’t really understand what made Trevor and I love each other until right now, when I saw him so silent and about to get beat up. It’s all the thoughts we don’t tell anyone else. All the thoughts that move so fast through our whole bodies. I should have told him more. I should have told him every time I ever thought of another boy or about my dad or about when I was afraid or bored and everything. We should have just opened up our brains and put all our thoughts out there. Even if those thoughts hurt the other person, we would have been even closer. I wanted that. I wanted that with him. I wanted him to know everything I ever thought and felt and I wanted to know everything he ever thought and felt. Everything, no matter how bad or scary or weird. Everything. Love needs to know everything.