Forever for a Year(87)

At the end of breakfast, I offered my five dollars. He took it.

We got back in his truck and drove to a nearby Target. “Why are we going here?” I asked.

“Because we can park here,” he said, and parked on the side, facing out into an empty field. No other cars were parked anywhere close. It’s not like we were in the middle of nowhere, but it was still creepy. You know? I told myself I should get out. I should get out, go into Target, call my mom, and wait for her to pick me up.

“Freshman?” he said. I turned away from the window and toward him, only he was already leaning close to me. I pulled back. Oh my gosh, his breath smelled weird. Not bad. I guess not bad. But not like Trevor’s. Alexander said, “What about my kiss?”

“I can’t,” I said.

“You promised,” he said. And I tried to remember if I’d promised. I didn’t. I just said, “Okay.” But he leaned again and I didn’t move. His lips pressed into mine, and I closed my eyes and tried not to think about what was happening. He pushed his tongue into mine and moved it around but I didn’t move mine, and then he ran his tongue around my lips and bit my nose. Oh my gosh, why did he bite my nose? Like, scraped it with his teeth. Weirdo! And then I could feel his hand on my leg and he was reaching up my skirt. Oh my gosh, this is so gross. Say no. Stop him. Then he curled his fingers under my underwear and touched me. I was so dry. He tried to press one more time, but then I pinched my legs shut and he pulled away his hand. I never wanted another boy besides Trevor to touch me ever again. Then Alexander grabbed my right hand and put it on his jeans, where I could feel his penis. I left my hand there but I just let it lie there.

Alexander stopped kissing me, pulled away, and said, “I thought you would know what to do. You know. Be experienced.”

I didn’t say anything. I wished I had never left Trevor’s at four a.m. I should go find him and hug him and never leave him again.

“Are we going to hook up or not?”

I didn’t say anything. I should have said no. I should have said this was a big mistake. But I was so afraid, not of him, maybe a little, just so afraid of everything that I didn’t want to say anything.

“You know, you shouldn’t leave a boy like this. It’s not fair.” He pointed at his groin. But I looked away, out the window. “Freshman. Fucking freshman. I should have known better.” Then he put the car in reverse, left Target, put on an Eminem song really, really loud, and drove me home.

As soon as he parked, I jumped out and ran back inside. My mom was waiting on the couch. “Who was that?” But she really said it like WHO WAS THAT? except not loud. Just the effect was like that. I almost ran to my room. But instead I ran to the couch, laid my head on my mom’s lap, closed my eyes, and breathed big breaths until I calmed down. I didn’t cry. I didn’t. I think I would have cried on every day of my life before this one. But not today. My mom didn’t say anything. She just petted my head. It helped. It helped that she didn’t say anything too. I didn’t need advice or a lecture or even one word that would make me feel worse than I already did. I just needed her to be there.

After about ten minutes or maybe much longer, I gave her a big hug and then went to my room and checked my phone, which had been off. There were a bunch of messages from Trevor. All of them were so nice and caring and loving. Stuff like “Hope you are okay” and “I’m here for you” and “You’re my soul mate.” When I saw that, that’s when I finally cried. Oh my gosh, why did I get in Alexander’s car? How could I have been so stupid?

I texted:





ME


I love you so much, Trevor, and I want us to spend eternity together

I wanted this so badly I could feel my body scream the words over and over. Then I went and took a shower and tried to scrub everywhere that Alexander had touched me.

When I got out, I found a text from Trevor that said:





TREVOR


I should have told you about our

parents. I was worried you’d hate me.





ME


It’s okay. I understand. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want us to be

happy forever. Okay?





TREVOR


Okay. I promise.

I sent a smiley face and then crawled into bed in sweatpants and went to sleep. I was so tired. So, so, so tired. Like I couldn’t even think anymore.

When I woke up, it was dark. I had slept the whole day away. There was a text. From Peggy. So weird. So, so, so weird. It said:





PEGGY


Heard about Alex. Want details!

Trevor was so boring. He made you

weird. Call me.

Oh my gosh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. If Peggy knew, more people knew, and if more people knew, Trevor would know soon … so soon.…





78

Trevor crashes the car

After breakfast, Lily and I went to a movie. I texted while we watched, even though I hate people who text during movies. At least I sat in the back so nobody behind me had to look at my phone’s light.

Carolina didn’t respond, but I figured she would be sleeping. Licker and I texted about basketball and about Kendra. (He had a crush on her but told me not to tell Carolina until he was sure Kendra liked him too.) Then I got a text from my mom: