Bereft (Seven Year Itch #2)(58)
“Yeah, I think I do. No, I know I do. Are you happy now? Can you settle down?”
I tried to smile, finally feeling a bit of happiness despite the pain I’d been experiencing. “Yes, I think so. Thank you for telling me.”
“Rachel, love is complicated. You know that more than anyone. As beautiful as it can be, it can also be painful. I told you before I didn’t want a relationship. I meant it, but not for the reasons you probably assume. It’s not that I don’t want you in my life. I just know where I’m headed, you won’t be able to come.”
“Where you’re headed? I don’t want your money. I mean, you’re powerful. You’ll be successful. There’s no doubt about it.”
“Rach, I’m not staying in D.C. forever. My grandfather knew I’d planned to move to the West Coast as soon as the company was up and running. Most of our clients are there, and we’ll need a location centralized to cater to them. I can’t be here and expect them to come to me.”
“I don’t understand. Leviathan is here. It’s where the office is located.”
“It’s where the agency is located,” he corrected. “The new company will need to be out in California.”
“Why are you just telling me this?”
“Because I knew if I told you you’d push me away. Once we made the decision to keep the agency I knew you’d do whatever it took to keep it running. Your job is here, and mine will be elsewhere.”
I finally understood why Chad wouldn’t talk about committing. He knew all along he’d be leaving and not returning. His future was set, while mine was falling apart. “We can still see each other, right? We can visit and speak on the phone?”
“I’m sure we’ll talk, Rach, but let’s be honest. As soon as I move, this thing between us will change. I never meant to fall for you. I thought it would be fun and help you get through your breakup.”
“That’s why you wanted me to go with Grayson. You thought we’d reconnect and you wouldn’t have to worry about breaking things off with me.”
He wouldn’t respond.
“Chad, no. Don’t do this to me. Not now. I’ve lost everything. I can’t lose you too.”
He frowned and turned his head away so I couldn’t see his face. “I’ll be around for a few months. It’s not like I’m leaving tomorrow. We have time to be together.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not fair. It won’t work.”
“What do you mean?”
My heart was breaking all over again. I’d ruined things with Grayson, only to come home to discover there would be no future for Chad and I. “I think it’s time to call a spade a spade. We’ve had some good times. You helped me, more than I’ll ever be able to repay you, but I’ve lost too much. I can’t handle falling harder for you and watching you walk out of my life. Right now I think I can manage if we’re no longer a thing. It will hurt, but I’ll learn to get by.”
Chad took my hand and lifted it up to his lips. “I understand. I figured once you knew you’d call it quits. We were never meant to be, Rach. I’m just glad I got to know you. For what it’s worth, I meant what I said. I do love you, but you and I both know it’s not enough.”
“It never is.”
He stood to exit my apartment. I followed behind him. “So, I guess I’ll see you at the office?” I needed us to remain friends. I couldn’t bear losing him in my life completely.
He leaned forward and kissed me passionately on the lips. “You know, I don’t have to go tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Tell me you want me to stay, Rach. Say you want to have one final night together.”
I faked a smile, determined not to lose my shit as I explained what I wanted from Chad. “I wish it were that easy. I wish I could ask you stay, because I want to feel what it was like to be in your arms one more time, but we both know what will happen. We’ll go right back to the way it was, then finally get punched in the face with the truth when you have to leave. I’ve lost enough tonight. I can’t handle being close to you while knowing it’s a temporary fix. Truth be told, I think we both knew all along this wouldn’t work. You came into my life when I needed you the most. I’m glad I know you, Chad. I hope we can remain friends, even if it’s long distance. You’re a sweet man. You made me feel alive in the midst of tragedy.” I was getting choked up. “It’s best if we end this for good, right here and now. I need to stop hurting long enough to heal. If this weekend has taught me anything it’s that I haven’t been focused on what was important to me.”
“Your family you mean? It’s always been about them, hasn’t it?”
I nodded. “I suppose it has, not that it matters now. My marriage is over. Grayson doesn’t need me anymore. I’m on my own, and it’s time I learn how to manage it.”
Chad kissed me again, this time keeping his lips on mine for a few seconds. “I’ll see you in the office on Monday. We’ll do lunch and go over what I need done while I’m on my trip.”
Pretending to smile would have taken too much energy. I closed the door as he walked outside and sunk down to the floor beneath me.
I finally understood what rock bottom felt like.
Nothing could feel worse than what I was experiencing now. I was at a loss for words, with no motivation to get up and get over it. I’d lost too much to care what happened to me. I just wanted to die.