Bereft (Seven Year Itch #2)(55)

I turned and looked at my estranged husband without an answer. I swallowed a lump in my throat and glanced in another direction, unable to face him when the truth was written across my face.

“Rachel, please. I need to know the truth.”

“Why?” My lips were chattering again. “What good will it do?”

“You’re right. It will hurt me, but I think I deserve the truth. Something tells me I already know, but I want to hear it from your lips.”

The truth lingered in my brain, while my body was losing control to remain strong. I had to be honest with myself, but the problem was I really didn’t know. I cared for Chad. It was obvious. I loved being around him, and spending time alone. He made me smile, and helped me through a lot of tough times, but was it love? Was it enough to choose him over Grayson? Had I already made my mind up before stepping foot in this cabin?

As I struggled for an answer I looked into Grayson’s eyes. They were pleading with me to give him the response he deserved. For the first time in months I knew exactly what was right and wrong. I was fully aware, which way I wanted to go, and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I took a deep breath and finally gave Grayson exactly what he’d been waiting for.

“Yes. I love him, but…” He stood before I could keep him next to me. “Grayson, wait. Please hear me out. I have more to say.”

“There’s nothing left to discuss. You love another man.” He was bawling, and I felt awful.

“It’s not like what we have. I appreciate him.”

“Yeah, well you sure as hell don’t appreciate me.”

“That’s not true. I know in time we could-.”

“We could what? Be friends? Have cookouts where the two of you come over and talk about how you got together? No thanks.”

“You’re being ridiculous. I’d never expect that to happen.” It was understandable he was upset, but I’d never rub my happiness in his face. It was obvious this destroyed him.

“I know he told you to come with me this weekend. Why? Does he want you to commit? Is this what it’s about? Did he persuade you so you’d have closure with me? Does he want to move on in and keep you for himself?”

“No! Stop it!” I was desperate to rectify the situation, but couldn’t figure out how to erase what I’d said. My feelings for Chad were new, therefore blinding me of what we could be to each other in the future. Chad didn’t want a relationship. Whatever I felt we were, wasn’t how he saw us. There would be no future.

Grayson offered me stability. If I forgave him we could have a happy life together. He wanted to be married to me; to spend the rest of our lives loving each other.

“The truth is, I think I need to be alone for a while. My feelings for Chad don’t compare to what we’ve shared. He’ll never be you, Grayson, but the damage is done. We’ve screwed up our marriage. We’ve made this mess between us. You want the truth?”

He flipped his palms as he replied. “I guess I do.”

“The truth is, I wish we could go back. I miss our life. I miss knowing you were coming home to me every night. I miss feeling like nothing could ever tear us apart. That’s the truth, Grayson. It’s all I’ve ever known. Enough of this who do you love more bullshit. I love you, but we can’t keep doing this each other. This has to stop.”

Before I knew what was happening, Grayson lunged toward me, pressing his lips against mine. I pulled away, flustered and shocked. Then it hit me. This would be the last time we touched each other. I was telling him we were over, and this was his reaction – a final attempt to be close to me.

I can’t explain the connection I immediately felt between us. One minute I was enraged, and the next I was wrapping my arms around him and kissing him back. He picked me up and carried me to the couch, where he sat me down and finally joined me.

Kissing him was easy, comfortable even. I’d practiced doing it so many times I could do it effortlessly. In that moment there were no affairs or conflicts. It was just the two of us, connecting the way we used to.

In those few minutes everything became clear again, except this time I wanted my life back; the one I shared with Grayson.

Before things went too far, Grayson backed away. It gave me time to think about what would happen if we continued. Since I’d been with Chad earlier, I felt it necessary to halt what was happening. “We need to stop,” I whispered against his lips.

“Why?”

It broke my heart to tell him. “Trust me. It’s best if we take this slow. I promised you the weekend. Let’s take our time. Just be here with me. Pretend nothing else exists except for us.”

“You were with him today, weren’t you?” His accusations made my stomach curl. I could feel my dinner making an unexpected presence. How could he know me so well?

“No,” I lied.

“Rachel, I know when you’re keeping the truth from me.” He got up and left the room. I adjusted my shirt and went after him, praying I could calm him down.

“Don’t be angry. I didn’t want to come. I was in denial. I wasn’t ready.”

“This was a mistake. You keep blaming me, but you’re the one who gave up on us. You’re the one,” he repeated.

I was a sobbing mess. “You’re right. It’s my fault. I should have given it more time. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to fall for another man to hide my true feelings for you. I did it. All of it. Blame me for our marriage ending, Grayson, go ahead. I know it’s what you want, so the burden is off of your conscience.”