Bereft (Seven Year Itch #2)(52)
I let out a sigh and searched for light switches to better assess the area. “Please tell me there’s electric.”
He chuckled. “Nope. We have to fend for ourselves. We’re going colonial style this weekend.”
“If you expect me to make some clothes and churn butter you’ve got another thing coming,” I noted.
He laughed at me. “If you start doing that I’ll worry about your sanity.”
I had to smile. For a brief moment I forgot why we were there. My laughter seemed to be contagious as we stood there in the room together.
I helped Grayson get everything carried in, and actually started to appreciate being away from the hustle and bustle of life and work. Maybe I needed this break, perhaps we both did.
Grayson told me to check out the back deck while he put the groceries away and took our bags to our rooms. I half expected him to stick our things in the same one, but kept my mouth shut until I could find out if it was true.
A few moments later, I heard the slider opening. Grayson was carrying two glasses of wine. I sat up and took one out of his hand before he was able to sit down beside me. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”
“It is.” Birds were flying around, and the trees were blowing in the breeze. The leaves were starting to change to gorgeous fall hues, and it smelled so fresh, like earth and nature. The sun would be setting shortly, and I knew it would be a spectacular view. Aside from the normal sounds, it was extremely quiet. We couldn’t hear cars or trucks. We hadn’t passed a single dwelling for the whole adventure up the mountain. “Where is the closest neighbor?”
“I have no clue. I’m pretty sure it’s just us for a good distance. Why?” He questioned. “Are you planning on running away.”
I smirked and gave him a quick glance. “It depends on your intentions.”
“My intentions are from the heart, I assure you.”
“Then I suppose I can stick around.” I sipped at my favorite wine, appreciating the little details he was taking to make me comfortable. “So what’s on the agenda this evening?”
“Nothing. We can relax and have a nice dinner later. I’m making you Salmon in a sweet pepper coating on the grill, accompanied by fresh asparagus and baked potatoes.”
“Sounds great. I haven’t had that in a while.” I knew what he was doing. Grayson was prepared to shower me with everything he knew I favored. He was determined to impress me. “I would have been fine with anything.”
“Only the best for you, Rachel. It’s always been that way. I hope you know that.”
What he was saying was true. Grayson had always gone above and beyond to make me happy. This wasn’t him attempting to push his way back into my heart. He’d been generous since the day I met him. It was the reason I fell so deeply in love with him in the first place.
“I know you’re going to want to talk. It’s probably best if you give the wine some time. I tend to be brutally honest after I drink, so you’ll get the answers you’ve been waiting for.”
“Or the ones I can’t bear to handle.”
I sipped at my glass again. “It’s possible.”
“I love you, Rachel. It’s only ever been you. Even when Molly and I were married, I never felt a connection like we have. I know you don’t believe it, but –“
“I do. I know how you feel about me. I understand how hard this has been, not just for me but you as well. I can see the toll it’s taken on you. You look tired. I went through a time where I couldn’t close my eyes without it hurting. I stayed awake, dwelling on the situation instead of letting my body rest. If you’re going through it, I can understand how difficult it’s been.”
“It has. I wake up and you’re not there next to me. I keep thinking it’s all a bad dream, but I know better. I have to relive every moment I spent ruining our commitment. I can’t hate you. I don’t. If the roles were reversed I would have probably done the same thing. I wouldn’t have wanted to be alone.”
I wasn’t ready to get into this with him. “If the roles were reversed it wouldn’t have happened to begin with.”
“You mean to tell me if that young buck threw himself at you you’d be able to restrain?”
I looked away while thinking about Chad. The idea of him coming onto me. The memories of how it felt when he touched me that first time. The sound of his voice when he whispered my name. I had to close my eyes. My heart was beginning to beat faster, and I was losing track of the purpose of the conversation. “We’ll never truly know will we? What’s done is done. Neither one of us can take back what we’ve done. Maybe in some ways we both committed adultery.”
“Yeah, but I set it all into motion. I take full blame.” I could hear his voice cracking. I leaned over and refilled my glass, trying to avoid my own emotional carnage.
He continued. “Rachel, I don’t know how to go on without you. I couldn’t do a real couples retreat because I can’t be anywhere without losing my shit. I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’ve destroyed what we had, and I already know there’s no hope to get it back.”
It was impossible to hold in the tears. We’d been alone like this once before, and it ended with him holding me while I slept. It didn’t matter where I was in life, Grayson’s arms would always represent comfort for me. His mistake was like a whirlwind of destruction, but at the end of the day we had ourselves to blame for getting to where we were now. I’d struggled, day after day feeling betrayed and lost. I’d gone through the emotions of losing the man I loved, to falling hard for another. Now, being this close to Grayson again, I wondered if I was really where I wanted to be, or was I running from the only life I’ve ever wanted.