Bereft (Seven Year Itch #2)(54)

I couldn’t control my emotions. Instead of finishing my food, I stood and threw my napkin on my plate, then walked outside, where I let go, not caring if she could hear me or not.





Chapter 31


Rachel


I never should have opened my mouth. I’d gone and broken his heart again. Bringing Chad into our conversation was a huge mistake. Grayson would never be able to look past it when I kept throwing it in his face.

I missed Chad. If I were at a cabin in the woods with him we’d spend it in each other’s arms. However, knowing I was this close to Grayson, the declared love of my life, I wondered if this wasn’t right where I was supposed to be.

I took a couple bites of the food he’d prepared just for me. My teeth were chattering, and if I listened closely I could hear him bellowing out his pain on the porch. I sat there for a couple seconds thinking about what he’d been through. Was he right? Was I doing the same thing to him? If so, how could I have been so insensitive? How could I have let myself fall for someone else when the one person I needed to love me was waiting for me to come back to him?

I hated myself.

Before I could reconsider, I left my plate on the table and rushed outside. He turned when he heard footsteps. The remorse shown across his face made me sick to my stomach. I wondered if he was picturing me with Chad, feeling the same sort of disgust.

I reached out and touched his arm. “Grayson, I’m sorry. I wanted you to suffer. I felt like it helped me cope.”

He shook his head. “It’s killing me. Being here with you was a mistake. I can’t do this. I know you’re done, so if you want to go home we’ll pack up tonight. I can’t force you to love me. I can’t force you to choose me when it’s clear you’ll never forgive me for what I did to us.”

“I did it to,” I said in a whisper. “We both broke our vows. You were right. I’m a hypocrite.”

“You did what you felt necessary at the time. I don’t blame you for being happy, Rachel. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish there was someone else on this earth to take the pain away, but I know no one will ever compare to you. Maybe I took you for granted. Maybe I didn’t value your needs.”

“You did,” I softly replied. “You were always wonderful to me. I think that’s why it hurts so much. I never expected you to do that to me. I never thought you’d stray.”

I was trembling, my hands shaking so much I put them in my pockets. I tried to turn away, but as the tears poured from my eyes I knew I couldn’t hide the way I was feeling. Grayson knew me. He was experiencing the same emotions. “I love you so much, Rachel.”

It was time to stop fighting. I’d buried my feelings for too long. “I love you too.”

He sniffled and wiped his face with his hands. “I’ll clean up dinner and load the car.”

I waited for him to walk by me before responding. “Wait!” he turned to face me. “I think we should stay, at least for tonight.”

“You do?” He seemed shocked.

I motioned with my head. “I’ve positive.” I held out my hand for him to take. “Let’s build a fire and finish our dinner in front of it. We don’t have to talk. Maybe it’s better if we say nothing at all. At this point, we need to stop fighting. I’m tired of bickering with no resolution. Either way this ends, I want us to be friends, Grayson. I need you in my life. I know I said I didn’t, but I was angry. I married you because you were my best friend. I miss us.”

He pulled me into his arms, offering nothing but a firm hug. “I miss you too.”

It was all it took for me to feel overwhelmed. Grayson was the man I promised to love for the rest of my life. I never doubted it either. He’d been everything to me since we started dating, and as much as I tried to deny it now, he still held a huge part of my heart. That being said, I yearned to find resolution, no matter where was heart was about to take me.

Once the fire was ignited, I sat on the couch watching the flames and feeling the steady warmth resonating from it. Grayson joined me eventually, after insisting on cleaning up dinner. He had to use a gallon of store bought water to do the dishes, so I’m sure it took some finagling. There was a well outside with a hand pump, but he insisted on using the jugs he’d purchased.

At first he sat across from me, silently staring into the flames. I got up and walked over, closing the distance between us by occupying the space next to him. “Is this okay?”

He reached over and touched my hand. When he tightened his grip I didn’t pull away. “It’s good,”

I rested my head on his shoulder. “It’s nice.”

“I don’t expect to move fast, Rachel. I know it will take us time.”

I wasn’t sure what he was implying. Did he assume this meant we were getting back together, and if so, what was I to do about my feelings for Chad?

Was it possible to love two men completely differently at the same time?

“Good, because I think I need it.”

Grayson was still wearing his wedding ring, where I’d taken mine off weeks before. I’d placed it in my purse after the first day I discovered his affair, and hadn’t checked for it since. “I promised you forever, so take your time.”

We were silent for a few minutes, both staring into the fire, looking for answers to all our problems. Then Grayson asked me a question, and it would confused the hell out of me. “Do you love him?”