Because (Seven Year Itch #4)(15)
It’s killing me.
She thinks I don’t love her anymore.
She’s wrong.
My love for her is different than when we were teenagers. It’s changed, grown even, but at the same time it’s damaged. We’re damaged.
I try to tune her out. I don’t want to give in. If anything she needs to learn a lesson. I want to scare her so she stops with the madness, though I fear it won’t help. She’s adamant. Shayla doesn’t approach change well. I suppose we’re both the same in that category.
Tonight’s accusations were uncalled for. I know who answered my phone, but she never said a word to me about my wife calling. I want to be able to tell Shayla who it was, but I know it will only cause another fight. I’ve kept the truth from her on purpose, because I know what she’ll assume.
Once again I’m stuck with having to push my wife away to dodge a bigger fight.
It’s been fifteen minutes and she’s still there, her sobbing is breaking my heart. I run my hands over my face. I’m annoyed, but sad. I hate the idea of causing her pain. This isn’t how I want to teach her a lesson. I can be a dick, but this goes beyond that. More than anything I want to hold her. I know if I do, she’ll assume things are going to change. I take a few deep breaths before standing and walking toward the locked door. When I unfasten the latch and open it she’s crouched in a ball in the corner, her hands covering her face. Slowly she peers up at me. “Come to bed, babe.” It’s all I say. I don’t want to talk to her. I still can’t look at her without being angry, so it’s the best I can do.
I don’t wait to see if she’ll follow. I know she will. As I climb into bed I hear her making her way to the other side of the mattress. I turn my body so I’m not facing her and pretend to ignore her. This isn’t an apology. I still don’t know where we stand, but for the time being I want to sleep, and it can’t be done if she’s crying outside the room.
For a while she’s quiet. I try my damndest to go to sleep, but I’m burdened. Her constant sniffles only let me know she’s also awake. I adjust in the bed and face in her direction, only to find she has her back to me. I know I should refrain from offering support, though it’s hard to know I caused this. My hand rests on her shoulder. She shifts and faces me, her eyes are swollen from crying. “I’m sorry,” she’s able to get out.
I lift my arm and allow her to cozy up closer to me. Once again we’re right back to where we always end up. This vicious circle is killing us, yet we can’t seem to end the loop. “Just try to get some sleep,” I suggest.
“I don’t want to lose you, Bran, but I know you’re right. That’s why this hurts so much. I know we’re doomed.”
It hurts me too, but I’m too tired to get into it with her. I want to go to sleep so I can rationally think. I don’t want to say the wrong thing because I’m exhausted, so I refrain from saying anything at all.
Shayla falls asleep shortly afterwards. She’s still in my arms, and I’ll keep her there. She fits here, and I wish it’s where she can stay. Pain rips through me when I think of losing her. It’s agonizing to picture our daughter having to suffer from our inability to get along.
It’s the middle of the night when I wake up because I’m sweating. Her hair is stuck to the side of my face, so I adjust to be able to push it away. She moves but doesn’t wake. It’s dark in the room. My eyes focus and I look at her. She’s peaceful. She’s beautiful like this. It takes me back to the first time we were together and how full of life she’d been. She was what every guy in high school desires. She made me want her, and I don’t regret it. I know my friends were envious I got to hit it. They lived vicariously through my relationship.
I remember when she told me she was pregnant. It was like a kick to my stomach. We’d been careless, but I never expected her to want to keep the baby. I still don’t know how my life would have turned out if it hadn’t happened. Don’t get me wrong, I will never regret having our daughter. She’s my angel and I’m blown away by the love she brings to my life, although there’s always that wonder in the back of my mind. Shayla and I wouldn’t have lasted. There’s no way. Even though she was different back then, I know I would have gotten bored. It’s just the way I’m wired.
My hand reaches over and runs over her lips. Her eyes flutter open and she’s staring right at me. Her emotional state makes me weak. There’s only one way I know how to fix this. I need her. I want her.
My face narrows in on hers. She doesn’t pull away, so I kiss her hard. She’s trembling from the start, and a part of me sets out to make it stop. It’s agony knowing this is the way it has to be. I’m sleeping with the love of my life; my enemy, the only person in the world who will destroy me, and I can’t hold back. I want to f*ck her until there’s nothing left to fight about. We need to let go. It’s the way it has to be. Nothing good will come from this, but I continue, because I know a part of me will never be able to stop.
I’m struggling to keep it together. This kiss is more emotional than I want to admit. It’s like she’s throwing stones at my heart with every stroke of her magic tongue. Her hands intertwine with mine. I’m blown away by her ability to captivate me when I’ve promised not to allow this type of connection. She’s devoted to me, and I crave it. It’s never the right time to do this, not for us. We’ve been down this dark road, the one that leads to nothing good. Why we keep taking this same route is beyond me. I can’t explain and I don’t want to. I’m hungry for resolution; a temporary fix.