Because (Seven Year Itch #4)(12)
Then I thought about what we’d just done together. Was he only fulfilling his own selfish needs or did he want me as much as I always wanted him? I didn’t understand him at all. Sex solved everything in his eyes, and I hated that. He either couldn’t stand the sight of me, or he was trying to get in my pants. He was like Jekyll and Hyde, but the stakes were my damaged heart.
He’d been the one to make me hate myself, inside and out. Looking in the mirror wasn’t an easy task for me, but I did it for the second time since entering the bathroom. I could see flaws in every spot. I was always looking for reasons my husband wouldn’t want me anymore. I had stretch marks across my hips and tummy, ones he’d always been eager to point out. I felt used and abused, like an old chair ready to go to the landfill. Couldn’t he see that’s how I felt when he talked down to me? When he touched me was he cringing inside? Was I his biggest regret?
I close my eyes before dressing, praying to God for a solution that wouldn’t tear my family apart. I don’t expect a verbal answer, but a sign would be just as appreciated. I’m out of ideas, and too stubborn to come up with a way to fix things myself. I need advice, but have no one to confide in.
I’m terrified of walking out the door and him not begging me to return. What if it’s what he wants? What if he treats me like a dog because he wants me to leave without having to force my hand?
With a million scenarios running through my mind there is only one thing I know for certain. I can’t have the life I want unless I do something drastic to make it happen.
Hell or high water it was time to stop dwelling and face my fears. If Brandon couldn’t love me the way I deserved then he didn’t deserve me at all.
Chapter 6
After taking Aberdeen to my mothers, I head into work my four hours at Target. I like my job. It’s easy and it gets me out of the house. I would have liked to stay home since my daughter had gone to the hospital, but they’ve hired someone new I’m supposed to train and four hours isn’t that long to be away from her. Besides, my mother raised me and took good care of me. She’d do the same for my child, so I don’t have to worry.
After clocking in, I make my way to the women’s department and start folding some clothes that are out of order. Our newest shipment will come in later this afternoon and I need things to be neat for the next shift. Out of the corner of my eye I notice someone approaching me. She’s in a red polo shirt with khaki pants on. A name tag that’s handwritten sits on her right breast reading ‘Char’.
I extend my hand out, realizing she’s the newest hire. “Hi. I’m Shayla.”
“Char. It’s nice to meet you. They told me to come over here. Am I in the right place?”
“Yep.” Right away I’m taken back by her beauty. She’s not just physically fit. Her figure is perfect, her skin an olive tone, while her makeup appears to be airbrushed on. If I would have seen this girl while in the presence of my husband I’d be completely worried he’d fall in lust. Her long blonde hair is down to the crack of her ass. Its naturally wavy with a hint of high and lowlights scattered around. As she smiles at me I notice her bright white teeth and eyes as green as emeralds. More than anything she reminds me of the girl I used to be; the carefree one who would do anything to get what she wanted. I envied her youth, and the way she could walk across a room and catch the attention of anyone around.
She could definitely pull off being on the cover of a magazine. “What brings you to Target?” I ask. It’s a friendly question. She couldn’t be more than twenty, if that. I wondered if she’d just moved to the area, perhaps with a boyfriend.
“I needed a job while I’m going to school.”
“College?” I assume.
“Yeah. For now I’m at Chesapeake. I wanted to go to Washington, but the registration cut off before I could get there. My family lives across the Bay Bridge in Columbia. They’d already secured a place for me to live over here, so I figured I’d take some classes and then transfer.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Washington College in Chestertown Maryland was a hard school to get into, and the tuition alone could break the bank. It was a good school with old roots. She was lucky her parents could afford it. “What are you majoring in?”
“English.”
“My worst subject,” I exclaim.
“My father is a literature professor, well he was before he retired. It’s kind of in my blood. I’ve always loved to read. I guess I’m sort of a nerd.”
Was she crazy? Has she looked in a mirror? “I’m sure that’s not true.”
For the next few hours I show her how to work each zone. We focus on making sure every article of clothing is folded and neat. Char tells me about her family and her life. She talks about a boyfriend she still keeps in touch with who lives over an hour away, but I say nothing about being married, though I’m sure she’s noticed the ring I wear on my left finger. When my shift is over I feel like she’s a good person, but still not one I’d be willing to bring home to introduce to my husband.
I climb in my car to leave and break down. It says a lot when I can’t have friends over because I’m afraid they’ll try to sleep with my husband. Everyone is a threat, and as much as I don’t want it to be true, I can’t help but think it.